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Comments & reviews · 5
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JinxGrey
Review

Lovely little story!There is afew grammar mistakes but we all make those.You need to make it a little more simple for the small children who might want to read this.Just keep that in mind when you continue this wonderful story line.You can do fantastic things with so much as a first draft.Good luck to you and may the odd be ever in your favor.

Thanks for the review! I'll try to correct those grammar mistakes and make it a bit less complicated.

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JinxGrey
Comment

I love it but you need to make it a little more simple if its going to be a small children book.

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67DemonSlayer
Comment

Okay so i read this just for fun and i think that it is a cute story. Although there are some grammar mistakes as well as some spacing errors you did a very nice job on this and with practice you can really excel. Have a great day and good luck with your future writing projects!
:)

Thank you for the review!

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pendr
Review
pendr wrote a review · Sun Nov 16, 2014 1:58 am

Hi! Just know I'm reviewing this as I go. XD

In the first line, "On Christmas Eve, the animals in woods," needs a 'the' before woods.
Here, ""Oh, Owl!" squeaked Squirrel, "I am very busy," the comma after Squirrel needs to be a period.
In the second paragraph, "When he looked down below, he saw a streak of red flash across the white of the snow," might be better if you just have 'the white snow' instead of 'the white of the snow.'
"Owl and Fox walked back to Squirrel's tree together." There isn't much transition before this, so it's very sudden and random. Even adding a 'so' would be better, or try making Owl say something to suggest they'll be heading to Squirrel.
""Hello, Squirrel!" said Fox," Here, there also needs to be a period instead of a comma after Fox because what he said before you had 'said Fox' was an ended sentence. Watch for that in other similar spots.
At "I am having a Christmas party and I need your help getting food to serve my guests," you need a comma before 'and' because it's a compound sentence. Watch for that other places as well.
In the paragraph with this line, "Fox told them to come to Squirrel's tree for a Christmas party," 'them' suggests Fox went to multiple houses, but you only say he heads to Rabbit's. Maybe after you say he goes to rabbits, say something about him going to Hedgehog's, too.
In the same paragraph, "But first, the three animals had to stop at Hedgehog's house," is very confusing. You seem to be saying you have Hedgehog with you, but then you still have to go to Hedgehog's. It would be good to clear that paragraph up for the reader.
At one point you have 'baby hedgehogs' capitalized, another place it isn't capitalized. I think it should be not capitalized, but maybe you'd like it if both are capitalized, but with that they have to be the same.
"and the rest of the animals joined in," should have a comma instead of a period. Also, the song needs quotes around it.

I'm honestly sorry for such nit-picky things, but I hope it helps. I really like your detail, your plot, and the moral of friendship. Kids need to know that. It is a cute story, and I really do like it, even if all my corrections seem like I don't. Please know that I truly like this story :D. I could just picture what the book's illustrations would be as I read it. I like all your characters, and how the story makes sense. It's a winter tale of teamwork, friends, and Christmas joy. Great job!

Thanks for sharing your art on YWS :DD

Thanks for reviewing! I'll try to fix these mistakes soon.

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Momochan
Review

Awwww the story is adorable :3. Perfect story to start the holidays off :3 Yay for Christmas spirit. I love how all the animals in the story are working together to decorate the tree for Christmas. The story gives off a warm and cheerful feeling. The animals are all helpful to each other even the fox. The only complaint i have is that i wish there was more description in the whole story. It seemed like if you would do that the story would be a whole lot better and its already good :3

Thank you! I could not possibly wait any longer for Christmas so I wrote this a few nights ago. I will work on being more descriptive.

I know right :3 I love Christmas its such a happy time of the year.



If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
— Oscar Wilde