When I came into this world, I was a newborn baby with no problems at all; I was a healthy baby girl weighing in at 6 pounds, 12 ounces, and 21 inches. Not bad for a baby, wouldn't you say? At 7 years old, I banged my head falling off the table. I landed head first. I screamed with pain, and my mother came to me. When we went to the hospital, my fall ened up hitting a nerve. Afterwords, I would walk into a wall almost every day. My parents were starting to worry, so they took me to the hostpital. The doctors gave me an eye test. I failed terribly. We found out that due to my inquiry, the fall hit my sight nerve. I was blind. When the nurse announced the news to my parents, they were heartbroken. Due to my blindness, my strongest sense became touch and smell. I had to smell or touch, for example, the soap or the remote to the t.v. Later in the year when school started, I was not enrolled into school. I was home-schooled by my father. When he failed at teaching me, my parents hired a special teachr. Her name was Mrs. Smith, and she was very kind and paitent. Her voice was soft and sweet and she smelled like roses. She taught me how to read braille and to even write. When I was 10, I could read and write braille perfectly. My life, even as a blind person, was almost perfect.
Now, at 15 years old, I was getting ready for high school. Mom got me dressed. It's not I'm a baby still or anything. It's just that I cant see what I'm doing to dress myself. So, mom dressed me. I put on my "sunglasses" and my got my cane. Like I needed it. I memorized every corner, every hallway, every room. But, I did need it outside of my home. I got on my backpack and went carefully down the stairs. Father helped me get into my seat and told me my breakfast: eggs and toast. "Thanks daddy." I felt his cheek and kissed it. I felt around for the fork and grabbed it. I began eating.
"Don't forget to get your backpack, Kaitlyn.... I mean Kat. It's over by the stairs," Mother said.
"Okay mother. Thank you for breakfast," I said, getting out for my chair and grabing my backpack and my cane.
I went out outside and felt the air through my silky golden brown hair that came to the middle of my back. When I was born, I had sky blue gorgeous eyes. Now, I have blind eyes. I have to wear sunglasses becuase if there is ANY light at all, my eyes will go worse and cause alot of pain. I even wear them at night too.
Anyways, dad came ot of the house and drove me to school. I walked around, carefully. I heard people's voices and asked one of them "do you know where the front office is?"
"How should I know? I'm new here," The random person said to me. After asking about 10 people, I found the front office myself. The lady at the desk looked at me and asked "Can I help you?"
"Yes. I need my schedule. My name is Kaitlyn Thomas." The lady went into the computer, typed, clicked and my schedule was printed out.
"There you are, sweetheart."
"I can't read. I'm blind, ma'am," I said as I could'nt trace it with my hand.
"Oh my goodness. I'm terribly sorry. Let me help you," she fixed the problem somehow. I didn't know how, but she did. I went to look for my class. Let's just say the rest of my day at school was hard because I was blind.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I noticed this right away. Usually the phrase is "weighing in".
This part isn't very exciting. It might help to tell the event as it happens, so it doesn't feel like an essay.
Did you mean "we learned that the fall hit a nerve"? Also, it looks like you've got an extra T in 'hospital'.
Sight. What you have here is a good start, but as I said, it feels like an essay. The simplest cure would be to add sensory details like how she can smell someone's shampoo or deodorant.
This story is really interesting and a really clever idea. There are some spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. Also there were some words that might have been mistyped in it as well, but still a great story!
Thanks for the information! I will try to use this in following stories. I'm glad you liked it.
Excellent idea for a story! It sounds like it will be very good. I could already sympathize with Kat as she told the lady at school she couldn't read. The spelling mistakes were a bit distracting, however. Also, even though it is written in first person, try starting fewer sentences with the word "I". If you look up the twenty sentence patterns, (here is a link: http://be003.k12.sd.us/senior%20stuff/s ... erns_1.htm), they may help you a lot. I know they were great for me! Overall a great start. Keep up the good work!
I ike it, though all the spelling and grammatical errors were distracting. Edit before you post, please.
Welcome to YWS, good luck.