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Young Writers Society


16+ Language

The Risen - chapter two

by elysian


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Sebastian

I stormed into my room, closing the door behind me. I instantly started towards the old, scratched up desk by my window, pulling out a pencil and pad of paper, drawing. Today was another girl’s face, I wasn’t sure who she was, but her face was so clear in my head, and I wanted it out. I felt so guilty seeing her face and not knowing her name. I knew she must’ve been from my past life, but then again we all don’t remember much about that.

There was a soft knock on my door, and before I could hiss at her to go away, she opened the door. It was so like her, to walk around like she owned the place. Nothing was private, it seemed. I quickly shoved what I was working on back into my desk and clenched my jaw, continuing to stare at the wall. I hope she could feel my anger.

After a short silence, she started to ramble. I only half-heartedly listened, blinded by my rage. I focused on my breathing, wanting to do anything to make her shut up, to stop complaining about how “selfish” I was. She was too ignorant to see that I was keeping us all alive, and what she doesn’t realize is that if she was in charge of what I dealt with, we would all die.

“Kayden,” I finally said, cutting her off. “How are you any better?” I took a breath, turned around and stood up, staring her down. Her hands were on her hips, which were slightly cocked to the side, her face in a grimace. Her lips were pressed together, eyebrows furrowed. Her long brown hair was messy, like usual, and her freckles were sprinkled on her nose. She was obviously annoyed, and she thought she had some type of hold over me. Oh, was she wrong.

I stood over her small frame, walking towards her until her back hit my wall. “You accuse me of being dramatic, of being selfish, but all you do is walk around this house complaining about our calling, our jobs. I understand you’re only 19, but it’s time to grow up.” She looked so small underneath me, and I could see the slight fear in her eyes, and for some reason that just made me want to scare her even more.

“Sebastian, I do not believe I am the one not acting my age,” she challenged, straightening up, getting closer to me. We were so close it almost looked as if we were about to embrace or kiss, but the only thing happening between us was tension.

I put my hands on the wall, restricting her to exactly where I wanted her, coldness in my voice, “If Gaderel every comes to you again, which I doubt he will, I’m the first to know, are we clear?” I found my eyes wandering from her eyes to her lips for a split second before she slid out from under me and quickly out the door. I stood where I was for a few seconds before chuckling and walking back to my desk.

Before I could get back to my drawing, there was a loud thud outside my room, I quickly rushed to my door, swinging it open and looking down the hall, ready to attack. I didn’t see any danger but instead the top of Kayden’s hair.

I rushed over to her lying unconscious on the ground, “Kayden, what happened to you?” I pulled her head into my lap, yelling for the others. Xander and Indie quickly came from Xander’s room, concern crossing their features, and Aileen and Archie came running from the kitchen.

In an instant, Aileen was next to me on the ground with her hands on Kayden’s face, “what happened? Did someone attack her? Where is she hurt?” Her eyes traveled to mine.

“I’m not sure, I heard a thud and then found her like this. Let’s get her into my room, it’s closest.” Everyone moved away as I swept her into my arms, she was so light, her skin cold. Once we got into my room I carefully laid her down, was it normal to be unconscious this long? It had been at least five minutes.

Aileen sat on the bed with Kayden, her hands on her head, trying to find a way to heal whatever had happened to her. I studied the concern on everyone’s faces, how Xander was holding Indie in his arms. It always confused me how they could be caught up together in this mess. It was quite annoying honestly, they acted like nothing was going on around us, always closed off to each other.

“I can’t figure out what’s wrong with her. She doesn’t seem to be injured, more so like she’s asleep,” Aileen said as she stood up to look at us.

I nodded, “I’ll keep an eye on her. You guys start packing, we need to leave at daylight,” I grumbled. They eyed me for a minute before slowly moving out of my room.

Ten minutes. It had been ten minutes now since she had gone unconscious, but she seemed so peaceful, so still. She was sweating, however, so I decided to get up and quickly get a rag from the bathroom, wet it, and when I walked back into my room she started whimpering, tears falling from her eyes. What the hell was going on? I rushed over to her, holding her head in my lap again, pressing the rag to her head and wiping her tears.

“Kaydence, please, wake up,” I mumbled, distressed. I just wanted to stop whatever was causing her pain. She continued to whimper and cry as I brushed her hair behind her ear, begging for something, anything to wake her up, and suddenly, she shot up from my lap in an instant, screaming.

She was breathing heavily, distressed, and once she calmed down I reached my hand on her shoulder, which made her jump up from the bed to face me, eyes terrified.

“Kaydence, what’s wrong?” I asked, once she realized it was me, she calmed down. She took a deep breath and sat back down on the edge of my bed, hand on her head.

“I don’t know what happened, one moment I was walking to my room, the next I was in this other world, with this man…” her voice trailed off as she stared at my wall, I watched her intently, hoping she wouldn’t pass out again.

“A man?” I pressed, I needed to know the full story, so I could kill whoever did this to her. I’ve never seen her so scared, she’s a pretty fearless person when it comes to demon hunting.

She looked at me finally, chewing on her lip, I noticed she does that a lot. “Yes, a man. It was so vivid, I thought it was real. He was so caring and gentle to me at first, but then…” her voice tightened, and she seemed to be straining to keep from crying again. She took a deep breath and continued, “but then he beat the living crap out of me, and I felt so defenseless. I didn’t even see it coming, I couldn’t sense his aura. I mean, I didn’t even know him but I believed he loved me.” Her voice cracked on the word love, and I looked down. I had never seen her in so much pain, she’s usually the one I could count on to stay strong in our little family.

Without thinking, I pulled her into my chest, resting my chin on her head. She smelled like the sweetness of flowers and felt as soft as a feather. I heard her cries muffled into my chest, and we stayed like that for a really long time, until she fell asleep actually, and I carefully carried her to her room, and let her rest.

I sat down at my desk and pulled out my drawing I had been working on earlier, mindlessly scribbling. Why would she just pass out like that out of nowhere? Who was this man? Was it a demon? But demons can’t love, and she was convinced that this man loved her. And only upper-level demons can take on the appearance of humans. Maybe I should call Gaderel and see what he knows.

I once again put my nearly finished sketch of a woman in my drawer and looked up, “Gaderel? I have a question.” I stood up, pacing. A few seconds later, in a great light, Gaderel appeared in front of me. My gaze shifted to him, my rage bubbling because he had not informed me of our latest mission, but I knew that would have to wait. “Do they know what happened with Kayden?” I clenched my fists as I continued to pace my room.

Gaderel watched me intensively, “She remembered,” he answered simply. This made me stop and look at him, a spark of confusion in my eyes.

“Remembered? Remembered what?”

“Her past life, as I have told you would eventually happen. It will help you better understand why you have the powers you do, and how to use them to your advantage.” He talked in a way that was knowledgeable, but never condescending.

“Okay, next, why would you inform her of a mission before you informed me? I thought we had an understanding that I’m in charge of missions because I’m the only one that understands how to not get us killed, again.” The words dripped off my lips like venom, and I made sure he understood why this was a problem.

“Everything has a reasoning, it was no accident that they,” he pointed to the sky, “wanted her to know first. She must be an essential key to this particular mission. From the chatter up there, this mission will be bigger than anything you’ve ever experienced. You must not go into this with blind range but rather a thoughtful mind, perhaps that’s why they told me to deliver this message to Kaydence.”

My fists clenched, “We’ll be leaving midday tomorrow.” I watched as he left, fuming. Kayden doesn’t have a thoughtful mind, who was he kidding? All she thought about is how she wishes she found peace after her death instead of being “doomed” to live another six years on Earth. All she wanted to do was complain whereas I knew we needed to do our job if we ever wanted to find peace. We all were made aware that if we were to turn to the dark side or if we were to decide to not do our job anymore we would be turned over to Lucifer. But did she care? No. All she cared about is her petty problems.

I threw what little amount of clothes I had into a backpack and carefully packed all my drawings on top of them. With a sigh, I laid down on my small twin bed, which I was way too long for, and closed my eyes as I waited for sleep to finally take me. 

-

chapter word count: 1,850

total word count: 3,924


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Sun Jun 03, 2018 5:25 pm
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mellifera wrote a review...



Hey, Del! I'm back again :D *rolls into the review*


There was a soft knock on my door, and before I could hiss at her to go away,


So I know everyone already knows it's Kaydence, but I think putting her name here instead of 'her' would work better.

I hope she could feel my anger.


Doesn't he know about her aura-reading? If so, maybe instead he thinks about how he hopes she can read his anger? Dunno, just a suggestion.

if she was in charge of what I dealt with, we would all die.


I am misinterpreting something? Aren't they already dead? Or did they get reincarnated to fight demons? (are they not in heaven? if so, I'm very sorry for my last review)

We were so close it almost looked as if we were about to embrace or kiss, but the only thing happening between us was tension.


Sebastian, that's...a thing that happens when you're about to embrace or kiss. (On a serious note, that's kind of true? I would change tension to something else, since this cancels itself out)

"Kayden, what happened to you?"


yes, Sebastian, ask the unconscious girl what happened to her lol.

always closed off to each other.


If you meant to say they were closed off except to each other, I might change this, because it sounds like they are closing off to each other, if that makes sense?

"Kaydence, please, wake up," I mumbled, distressed.


Instead of just saying he's distressed, write his body language? There are certain stress markers you could go for, but just saying 'he's distressed' is just telling (and also she repeat it when she wakes up, so...repetition).

begging for something, anything to wake her up, and suddenly, she shot up from my lap in an instant, screaming.


I would separate this (She continued to whimper and cry as I brushed her hair behind her ear, begging for something, anything to wake her up.

Suddenly, she shot up from my lap with a scream.)

She was breathing heavily, distressed,


I'm going to make this argument again because Kaydence is already quite clearly distressed, you don't really need to add that in.

"Kaydence, what's wrong?" I asked, once she realized it was me, she calmed down.


Period between 'I asked' and 'Once she realized it was me' since it's not a continuation off of his question.

I needed to know the full story, so I could kill whoever did this her.


that's intense.

chewing on her lip, I noticed she does that a lot.


of course you do xD


-I'm going to recommend trying to find an online editor or something, since your sentences seem to be a bit awkward sometimes with the way you have them set up (some don't really continue with each other, but you have commas between them as if they do? Does that make sense?), or try reading it out loud so you can determine the structuring/grammar better. I pointed out only a few, but I noticed it in quite a few places.

All she thought about is how she wishes she found peace after he death instead of being "doomed" to live another six years on Earth.


OH oops I'm sorry, I had assumed they were in Heaven :o I apologise for the confusion. I might try to clear this up in future drafts, however?

You must not go into this with blind range


rage*


-Sebastian mood seems to shift a little awkwardly in this chapter? He's mad, and then worried and distressed for Kayden, and then just mad again. I think you can achieve this without having it switch about so quickly?

-I'm not sure if you're starting to build up something between Kayden and Sebastian, but I just assume this because they seem to fall into kind of 'bad boy' and 'tough girl' tropes in a way, and I tend to fall into the assumption this means they'll end up together. So far, their relationship isn't very healthy, but maybe you meant it that way. I'm not sure, I guess I'll have to wait and see. Just a little heads up!



That's all I've got for you today! Hopefully there's something helpful in there :p I'm intrigued by this so far! I'm certainly curious by everything that's happening. Guess I'll have to keep reading, yeah? haha. Good job :)


I hope you have a wonderful day <3




elysian says...


thank you very much! this all helps a lot. I always realize when people point it out that I'm telling more than showing, but while I am writing, I seem to miss it for some reason, so that's very helpful :-)

Thank youuuu <3



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Sun May 27, 2018 5:00 pm
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Evander wrote a review...



Heyo, elysian! I'm back with another quick review. Once again, I apologize if I repeat points already mentioned in previous reviews.

Even with his caring for Kaydence, I still primarily find Bash to be an unlikable character. There's the misunderstood bad boy trope, but then there's this:

"She looked so small underneath me, and I could see the slight fear in her eyes, and for some reason that just made me want to scare her even more."

I don't know. Something about that seriously rubbed me the wrong way. This isn't to say that you should change it, though. Characters don't have to be angelic and pure in order to be good characters (nor do they have to be to be likable). I'm just bringing this to your attention in case the reader is supposed to like Bash as a person -- like, uh, I sympathize with him a little bit? But I was also halfway worried that he would descend into violence.

I put my hands on the wall, restricting her to exactly where I wanted her, coldness in my voice, “If Gaderel every comes to you again, which I doubt he will, I’m the first to know, are we clear?”

Like, that is a bit scary. Again, I bring this up not because you have to change it, but because I'm not entirely sure what you want the perception of his character to be. If the reader is supposed to empathize and agree with him, then I would probably remove the cornering behavior. If the reader is supposed to be somewhat afraid of him, then you've done a good job.

Once we got into my room I carefully laid her down, was it normal to be unconscious this long? It had been at least five minutes.

1. There's a comma splice! (You seem to have these a lot.) Replace the comma with a period.
2. I sort of doubt that everything that happened took five minutes? That to me, that would seem like everyone is moving incredibly slow. In an emergency situation, I figure that everything would be fast-paced. Like, uh, I would probably buy three minutes? Or even two.
3. Nope! If someone is unconscious after fainting for more than two or three minutes, then you'd put them in the recovery position.
4. Personally, I'd be hesitant to move an unconscious person unless I knew the cause of their unconsciousness. It could be dangerous. Like, if she had a spinal injury, then that could seriously mess stuff up. I'm not sure how much medical training that these characters have had? But I would assume at least a little, given that they're fighting demons and have had people die with them before.

they acted like nothing was going on around us, always closed off to each other.

This sounds like they don't let the other in, which the opposite is actually demonstrated. I'd reword this.

I rushed over to her, holding her head in my lap again, pressing the rag to her head and wiping her tears.

What are the logistics of this? I'm assuming that she's sleeping on a twin size bed, but... I can't really imagine climbing onto a bed and then shifting an unconscious person's head onto my lap? It's different when someone is sitting on the floor. But the movements Bash would have to take seem really uncomfortable for the both of them.

She continued to whimper and cry as I brushed her hair behind her ear, begging for something, anything to wake her up, and suddenly, she shot up from my lap in an instant, screaming.

Looong sentence. I'd omit the "and" and just create a new sentence starting from "suddenly".

He talked in a way that was knowledgeable, but never condescending.

Perhaps this would be more believable if more of his stature was described.

Okay! That's what I have to for right now! I hope this review helps!

-E




elysian says...


thank you! Bash is supposed to be someone you don't like but come to love, if that makes sense. he has many layers, and obviously a lot of problems. He's probably one of my most dynamic characters.

I agree with the fact that I have A LOT of run-on sentences that could be separated, and I will definitely be going back to fix that.

thank you! <3



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Wed May 09, 2018 6:57 pm
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barefootrunner wrote a review...



Hey there!

Your second chapter has been a really cool read! I really love Sebastian as a character and the content here was more potent and dynamic than what I saw in the previous chapter. A lot of good stuff is happening here. There's a strong sense of progression, I'm liking the pace, and your characters are forming nicely. Here are my critiques:

A — Write like it's music
Rhythm is an important part of carrying across feelings in a story. Short, staccato sentences convey tension, action. Longer sentences convey thought and long processes. With Sebastian, try shorter sentences when he's angry or something is happening, and longer ones when he's cooling off or ruminating. Here's a relook at the first paragraph using short sentences (it's just a rough sketch but it gives you an idea of what I'm talking about):

I stormed into my room, closing the door behind me. I instantly started towards the old, scratched up desk by my window, pulling out a pencil and pad of paper, drawing. Today was another girl’s face, I wasn’t sure who she was, but her face was so clear in my head, and I wanted it out. I felt so guilty seeing her face and not knowing her name. I knew she must’ve been from my past life, but then again we all don’t remember much about that.

"I stormed into my room and slammed the door. I needed to draw, desperately. I strode to my desk and jerked open the drawer. Pencil, pad. It was another face. A girl — I could see her so clearly. Someone I knew, or once had known. I was never sure, but I needed to get it out."

Feel the tension in the staccato sentences? The long ones ramble on a little and lose their intensity. Try it!

B — Old issue (I won't bother you about this again after this so I don't bore you!)
Again, watch the way you use first person. As soon as Kaydence enters, Sebastian becomes "blinded by rage". Wow, that's quite a reaction! It seems more than just a common personality clash or a simple source of irritation. He's so furious that he almost blows a top when he just looks at her. The thing is, Sebastian never shares why he is THAT angry with Kaydence. Are we to accept that he is just angry at her and that's the end of it? Allude to a solid reason going through his mind. Is it because he is an angry person? Get it in there: "I'd been finding it harder and harder to keep a grip on my temper recently. It was as though something was boiling under my skin, trying to rip its way into the open air. I sucked in a deep breath to calm myself, but then she started talking and my fragile control evaporated."
Did something happen between them? "I hadn't forgiven her for xyz. Hell, I probably never would. Just seeing her face made all that old anger boil up inside me."
Later, he looks at her lips for a second when he presses her up against a wall, and starts chuckling when she leaves. What's all that about? What is he thinking when he looks at her lips? Why is he laughing? These omissions would be fine in third person but not in first.
When she falls unconscious, Sebastian acts like a concerned partner. A sense of anger and aggression is instantly replaced by something almost like tenderness. That should be confusing to Sebastian, opening him to inner conflict or even guilt. We need his inner monologue for this emotional change to work.

Gaderel watched me intensively, “She remembered,” he answered simply. This made me stop and look at him, a spark of confusion in my eyes.

Here is a prime example of a first person issue. In this quote, Sebastian talks about his own confusion from a third person perspective, describing the way he is appearing. If you're writing from his perspective, he is not seeing the confusion in his eyes (unless he is holding a mirror). He is experiencing the confusion inside himself. Something more like:
"I stopped in my tracks, scanning Gaderel's face for clues, but it was expressionless as usual. What was he talking about? What sort of memory would do this to Kaydence?"
You need to carry across his confusion in a different way to visuals, since he would not have access to a visual of his own face. This is a specific example of a generalized problem throughout your work.

Good job on this in general! I'm really excited to see how the story progresses from this point. Keep writing, I'm running out of chapters here!

barefoot




elysian says...


this helps so much! I totally understand what you mean with the first/third person thing. I definitely want to write this in first, so I will try and catch myself as I go on. :-)

Thank you!



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Wed Apr 25, 2018 5:56 pm
keystrings wrote a review...



Hey! I’m happy you updated.

First Thoughts

I’m a sucker for misunderstood, angry characters, and I am not disappointed in this Sebastian! I already like him a lot more than before, and in that aspect, I’m grateful to have a multi-view novel. Thanks!

Characters

Sebastian, of course, is much better in this chapter. I will always promote the wonderful act of making well-rounded characters, so I’m glad that you’ve added a lot more to his previously “angst and anger are my two emotions” vibe I was getting in the first chapter.

One quote I’d like to discuss is

Today was another girl’s face, I wasn’t sure who she was, but her face was so clear in my head, and I wanted it out. I felt so guilty seeing her face and not knowing her name.


If you want to look back at this story sometime for editing, this is a good place to start. I like the exposition throughout this chapter a lot, but “face” appears twice in one sentence, and then again in the following line.

A couple of recommendations could be just replacing face with a synonym, or turning that line into something like

I saw another girl today. Her face was so clear in my head, and I wanted it out. I couldn’t give a number on how many people I had seen; my guilt ate away every morning.


Can you see how if you just switch around a few words, you can still carry that meaning of someone wanting to know his past, without repeated use of a certain word?

Another way could be by putting a period after the first line and shortening the next line to maybe “She looked so clear in my head, and I wanted it out.”

Either way, I’d definitely suggest you change those lines around if you’re going to edit someday.

The insight into Sebastian’s character was really interesting overall, and I kind of wish that he’s the only view now.

He’s more in tune with his emotions than Kaydence even if his temper flares a lot as well.

Content

I like the way you’ve put in at least a hint of Kaydence’s past, and the actual inclusion of Gaderel here. And, I like the way you put in Sebastian complaining, since then I can take advantage and understand more.

Knowing that they were threatened to be sent to Lucifer is interesting and definitely makes me think about where that explanation is going to go.

Final Thoughts

I like this chapter a lot, especially since we get to learn more about basically everything in this story. The plot is developing nicely, and I’m looking forward to that eventual demon battle in New York.

I hope this was helpful! Can’t wait for your next chapter!

Kille




elysian says...


Thank you very much! I will be adding more layers to Kayden as the chapters progress, and hopefully the other characters as well. And the whole situation with the drawing was a good suggestion, and I hope it was clear that he sees these girls in his dreams and head, and then he draws them, more on that as the story develops haha.

Thank you so much!



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Wed Apr 25, 2018 5:43 pm
Shady wrote a review...



Hey elysian,

So not quite when I got home I might have forgotten, but I'm here now! Let's jump into the review!

I stormed into my room, closing the door behind me.


Honestly "closing" feels like a weak word here. I mean if he'd strode/walked/wandered into the room then closing the door would make sense, but said he "stormed" which in my mind carries huffiness and anger. And people tend not to be gentle in closing doors when they're being huffy. So maybe "slammed" the door would make the sentence convey his anger better?

Xander and Indie quickly came from Xander’s room, concern crossing their features, and Aileen and Archie came running from the kitchen.


What do you mean by this? How, exactly, did their concern manifest? Some people's eyes get wide, some people draw their brows together, some people worry their lips -- what did they do? I think this comes back to the showing vs. telling. Sure you can just tell us that they looked concerned -- orrr you could show us what that looked like.

“I’m not sure, I heard a thud and then found her like this. Let’s get her into my room, it’s closest.” Everyone moved away as I swept her into my arms,; she was so light, her skin cold. Once we got into my room I carefully laid her down, w.Was it normal to be unconscious this long? It had been at least five minutes.


You've got a few minor punctuation errors here. I'd put a semi colon between "arms" and "she" instead of a comma. I'd also put a period after "down" and start "was" as a new sentence.

“Okay, next, why would you inform her of a mission before you informed me?


This just reads a bit awkward to me. I mean it's not horrible, but read it aloud. It just doesn't seem like how people talk, with the "Okay, next" maybe more like an "Okay, well why..." or something? Play around with it and make sure you read it out loud, so that you can hear what sounds more natural to how people tend to talk.

I watched as he left, fuming.


Who was fuming? It's not super clear with how it's written. I would assume it's Bash who is fuming, since he's the one who was throwing a fit leading up to this -- but the attention is still kind of on Gaderel leaving at this point, so this could also be read as Bash watched Gaderel fuming as he left.
~ ~ ~

Okay! So overall, I also really liked this chapter. I think you've got a good pacing; your story is progressively moving forward, but you're also taking some time to explore the characters, and I think that is good. It's helping me get a better understanding of Bash, especially.

One thing you need to watch is your punctuation, especially around dialogue. I didn't point out every little thing I noticed, but in the second to last paragraph you have a comma after "my fists clenched" where it should be a period. Just watch on little things like that.

Also, I might recommend that you do as little overlap as possible between the perspectives. I did like seeing both sides of the story, and hearing how each of them perceived the fight, but at the same time my mind was really tempted to skim over the bit that I already read last chapter. I already knew what Bash was going to do; I already knew Kaydence was going to get scared and go away. So while I appreciated having his perspective, it does risk boring the readers if you repeat too much.

One way you might be able to remedy that is to pick up immediately after where you ended your last chapter, but start it with emotions. So like instead of recounting the fight, you could show Bash standing in his room, fuming, with all his "who does she think she is" thoughts and being angry with her. Then go straight to her passing out. I mean we technically already know she's going to pass out already, but I think that amount of overlap would be good regardless.

I think that's everything major I noticed. Bash and Kaydence both seem like prideful idiots, but I kinda like them both anyway lol. I also find it interesting the amount of animosity between them, when Bash seems like he's half crushing on her.

tl;dr I really liked this chapter and the character development, and I want to read more. You should definitely keep tagging me when you post new chapters :)

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




elysian says...


thank you very much <3 I will definitely go back and change those places you suggested, they make a lot of sense haha.

I think I'm gonna try and cool it with how much it overlapped in coming chapters, but I really wanted to bring out how clueless Kayden and Bash are to the tension between them, especially since in Kaydence's chapter, I don't touch much on any tension between the two, but Bash seems to notice it more but he pushes it away harder. I just really wanted to let the reader know how their relationship differs from the other perspective. Hope that makes sense haha.

Thank you for all the advice, I will definitely tag you in upcoming chapters!




On some days, my will to write disappears faster than a donut at a police station.
— Arcticus