Outside
the rain was heavy, it felt like the warm droplets of rain
transformed into long fingers, drumming on your skull. The smell was
distinct, damp forest floor, the scent wafted through the open
windows of the house until it no longer felt like inside, but
outside. The birds burst into unharmonised song between showers of
rain, their voices like nervous chattering amongst the trees,
spoiling what should have been silence.
This was of course, summer
rain, the sort of rain that was a gift to the plants and the soil,
after weeks of the sun glaring down at them. It was this sort of rain
that was hard to resist running through after sunburnt skin heat
stroke.
It was the rain that drove him out of the house for the
first time in days. The new house that he little liked, far out of
town, hidden between trees that soon turned into fields of yellow
corn plants. He had ran trough the trees, hopping over their roots as
they stretched out to trip him. The rain dripped onto his head,
rolling off he surface of the leaves above and he was soaked to the
skin, his black hair clung to his forehead. He had no idea what had
urged him outside, but that morning an unsettling feeling fell over
him. It left him restless, he had wandered around the house all day,
he supposed he was going stir crazy, that was what his mother had
suggested anyhow. "What a day to go stir crazy," she had
giggled, holding a cake tin between her oven gloves.
He had kept
running until he reached a tree stump at the edge of the trees, then
he sat there, partly under the shelter of the trees around him and
looked out at the field of yellow. He didn't like the new house, he
had tried desperately the day after arriving to explore the
surrounding area, but it just seemed very empty. There were a few
other houses, scattered around, but he hadn't spotted any of the
occupants of the houses and so he left them behind him. He hadn't
bothered to revisit them in the week he'd been there, he didn't think
any of the occupants would really want to know him anyway, he didn't
suppose they were neighbours, so introducing himself had seemed weird
and pointless.
He had secretly been hoping that some of the
occupants might spot that they had moved into the house, so he had
left his bike in the driveway to the house, to let people know they
were there. His parents hadn't made much effort in finding new
friends and neighbours, his father said that the whole point in them
moving there was to find quiet, he said that if they introduced
themselves they'd only get pestered. He wasn't sure how to feel about
that, he didn't have many friends back home, he'd sort of imagined
things being different for himself after moving, he wanted people
there, some friend to watch films with or to go for bike rides with.
He wondered if many of the occupants nearby were his age, or if
anyone his age lived within a ten mile radius. He'd also wandered
down to the fuel station a couple of miles down the road to see if
anyone was there, but no one was buying anything in the rubbish
little shop, there was just a man sat at the counter, about his
fathers age, chewing gum and reading a magazine he'd probably read
every issue of for the past twenty years. He had tried to walk to the
town but his phone rang in his pocket, his mother wanted to know
where he was, she said she'd been waiting for him for hours, so he
had rushed back home where he remained for the next five days until
the day it rained.
The day it rained felt like a significant
turning point in his life. Nothing much particularly happened, it
just continued to rain as it had all day and twilight began to leak
through the cracks in the clouds. He sat there for a while, it wasn't
cold at all, the rain had been quite warm. He looked out over the
fields and imagined what was beyond them, he formed a plan in his
head, he decided that the next day he would go to the town. He
considered maybe riding past the currently empty school and dreaming
of what it would be like to go there. Then maybe he'd take his bike
to some sort of Park, he'd ride past all the people he saw and would
hope that someone would say 'hello'. Or maybe someone would walk out
in front of his bike and he'd have to halt to a dramatic stop, then
they'd have a discussion about how careless they both were and they'd
laugh and next time they saw each other they'd strike up another
conversation.
He decided that, that evening, he'd also start on
his work, the fantastic novel he planned to write, just like the one
his father wrote when he was the same age. His father had urged him
to write one for years, there was nothing more he could have done
other than pick up a pen and paper himself, or click away at keyboard
for him.
When he left the tree stump, he felt as if he'd been
given a new brain, it was if someone had reached into his mind and
pulled out what was his and replaced it with something far better. "I
have gone stir crazy," he muttered to himself as he strolled
along the edge of the corn fields, preparing to retreat into the
trees.
It was then he heard it, a soft scrape against tarmac, he
turned his head to see a yellow coat walking across the pavement,
carried on the shoulders of a brown haired girl, dragging her bike
along beside her. She walked alongside the road, maybe twenty five
metres away. She was humming to herself, an unfamiliar tune. She
hadn't noticed him just as he hadn't noticed her for a moment. He
could hear another sound too, a sort of blur of noises, until he
realised it was the faint sound of music playing. He squinted and
could just make out the white cord running up her neck and hanging
from the ear closest to him. He waved to attract her attention, but
he didn't spot her, then her back was too him and she continued down
the road.
He didn't stay much longer after that, he began his run
back to the house through the rain. Five minutes later and he was on
the porch around the back of his house. He knew his mother would
scream if he stepped through the back door with wet boots, rain
actually dripped from his hair and his jacket. He pulled off the
boots, he imagined a puddle of water to pour out, but instead his
socks had just stuck to his feet and he was forced to peel them off
too. He rubbed his hair with his hands, trying to stop it dripping,
then he took off his jacket and slipped through the back door into
the kitchen.
The room was empty, but he could smell food cooking
in the oven. He threw his jacket behind him, out onto the porch. Then
he carefully closed the door behind him, it barely made a sound. He
couldn't hear much, he could hear the radio upstairs in his father's
study. He assumed his father was working and his mother he assumed
was sat with a book in the living room.
He knew his mother would
scream if she saw how soaked he had gotten, so quickly he tiptoed
from the kitchen to what he had decided to call 'the secret
staircase'. It was no secret really, everyone knew about it, but it
was the secondary staircase in the house. It could be found in what
appeared to be a cupboard in what his mother called the utility room,
but in fact was a room lined with shelves covered with various jars
of food or glass bottles.
This staircase he felt was quite handy
for him, it went straight up to the door of his bedroom, as the other
cupboard like door that was the exit of the staircase was just across
the very small corridor to his attic bedroom. The staircase had
little doors that opened up on the three floors above the ground
floor. He hadn't quite explored a lot of the house yet, he was sure
his father's study was on the floor beneath the attic floor.
He
quite liked his attic bedroom, it had a nice view that looked out
over the tree tops, and despite it being in the attic it was a
comfortable heat. He entered the room and quickly got dressed into
some dry clothes, then he opened the window and held his rain coat
out the window, he didn't know if they knew he'd gone out, but if
they did he ought to at least pretend he had worn his coat.
Once
his coat was soaked he placed it on the radiator and then sat down at
his desk by the window. The rain outside showed no sign of easing, he
could still hear it drumming the same rhythm on the roof as it had
this morning. He turned on his computer, and whilst waiting for it to
slowly start up, began pacing the length of his room. The window in
the room, stretched across one of the walls. On the right wall from
the door there was a wardrobe and a bookcase lined with books and
pressed against the other wall was his bed. He had stuck a few
pictures up, none of which really meant much, some reassuring faces
of friends he barely knew, pictures of the trees in the park by his
old house and his childhood dog, Dolly, who passed away five years
ago.
He stopped pacing the room once he was stood next to his
bookcase. He scrolled the titles, all of which he had read and then
picked up a random book. He turned it over as if he were debating
whether to read it or not, scanned the blurb and then slotted it back
into position on the bookshelf. Even after only seven days of being
at the house he already knew which book was where, they weren't even
organised in a particular way. He liked books, his father wrote them
and so he'd read them for as long as he could remember.
He heard
the beep of his computer as it came to life and he turned to face it
before walking back across the room to sit in the swivel chair by the
desk. It didn't feel like long that he'd been typing away at the
keyboard, listening to clicks as his fingers hammered the keys until
his father opened his bedroom door.
"Been out?" His
father asked, he shut the door behind him and walked over to the
desk.
"Yes, sort of, I went for a walk," He replied, he
turned in his chair to face his father.
"That's nice, you
were out for a while though Oscar? Where did you go?" His father
picked up a pen off the desk and began to click it, bored. He looked
older than he was, his hair had gone grey quickly and little creases
had started to appear on his forehead. There were some around his
eyes too, although they couldn't be seen as they were hidden beneath
the thick frames of his reading glasses. Oscar had never known anyone
with a bigger brain than his father. Sometimes he was afraid that one
day it would just start to grow uncontrollably and his head would
swell to the size of a hot air balloon.
"I went down to the
trees and had a look around, just exploring the surroundings, was Mum
worried?" Oscar turned back to face his computer and continued
to write.
"No, no more than usual, I told her you were here
writing and that you said we mustn't disturb you." His father
smiled, "It's like you read my mind."
Oscar grunted "I
must be psychic. But no, I made a plan, I need to start writing more,
I've abandoned my writing since we've got here, I thought I needed to
get to work."
"Sounds like a good plan," His
father's smile stretched wider across his face, then returned to its
usual position.
"I believe it will be, provided I follow
it." He replied, then they both sat there in silence for a
moment. Oscar knew what question was dwelling in the air the one that
was prepared to pounce off his father's tongue. It had become an
obligatory question for him to ask every now and then.
"I'm
fine," Oscar finally said, his father too nervous to ask.
"Good
to hear," His father nodded and began to retreat, then quickly
he added, "You know I sort of have to ask, don't you?"
"Yes," Oscar stopped typing. He didn't start to type
again until he could hear his father's footsteps travelling down the
stairs. He put on some music to drown out the noise of the rain,
despite it not actually bothering him too much. He wasn't too much of
a fan of music either, he listened to it and he liked it but it
didn't bother him how often he heard it, and he usually just listened
to the same few musicians and songs.
He stayed up in his room for
a while, until it was actually verging on dark outside, it being
summer it would still take another hour for it to grow truly dark
outside. His mother called him downstairs to eat, he ate, then
returned back to his room. He stopped writing then and began to plot
out the next day in his head.
When he woke up the next day
the first thing he noticed was how the rain seemed to have stopped
pouring and in its place the sun was shining. He couldn't quite
remember what time he fell asleep that night, but he was still in the
previous day's clothes and the lamp was still on. He imagined he fell
asleep quite soon after returning to his room. He grumbled to himself
and pulled himself up on one elbow. His eyes found their way to the
digital clock on his bedside dresser and his hand to the bottle of
medication next to it. He popped one in his mouth, swallowed and then
upon realising how early it was debated going back to sleep.
His
plan was what pulled him out of bed five minutes later it dragged him
across the room to the wardrobe to change clothes and then to the
little bathroom on the attic floor. It was his own bathroom, it still
didn't feel right that no one else went in there, he'd never really
had his own bathroom before. He brushed his teeth and washed his face
and then attempted to make his hair appear presentable.
When he
returned to his room, he saw on his digital clock that it was far too
early to even consider leaving the house yet, no one else was even
awake, which was unusual as he was usually the last to arise from his
slumber. So what he did, was sit on the balcony. He hadn't really
visited it much since moving to the house even though it had really
just been for him. It was on the attic floor, sort of wrapped around
the side of the house to the back of the house, so it went in front
of the window in his bedroom. However it could only be accessed from
the side wall of the house, through a glass door just next to the
bathroom door.
It was a luxury for him, on days when he wasn't
feeling too good he could still go outside without straining himself.
His mother had joked that the attic floor was like his own flat and
that he wouldn't have to come downstairs if he had a kitchen up
there. He guessed it was sort of like that, he really liked having
the balcony up there. When he sat on the balcony, he sat really close
to the edge, it should have been damp except the overhang of the roof
protected from the rain the previous day.
On the balcony he could
see the tree tops, it was similar to the view from his window, he
realised that, but it came with all the additional things he loved,
the air and the sounds. He sat there, watching the sun slowly creep
higher in the sky until he heard his name being called behind him. He
turned to see his mother through the window rush out his room and
then a few moments later she appeared on the balcony. "Oh there
you are! I panicked you weren't in bed! I thought something happened
to you!" Her voice had gone high pitched, her cheeks had flushed
red and her face was in a frown.
"No just sat here," He
turned to smile at her.
"It's okay, I was just bringing you a
coffee actually, here," she walked across the balcony towards
him and handed him the mug, being careful not to spill it all over
the place.
"Oh thanks," he took the coffee off her and
took a long sip, "I'm going out today by the way, going to go to
the town."
"Really? That sounds like fun," his
mother sat down next to him, "The weather's not quite recovered
today though, be sure you take a jacket."
"Of course,"
Oscar nodded, then took another sip of his coffee, he didn't much
like the taste, but he felt obliged to start drinking it and he
figured the more he drunk it the more he'd like it.
"What
are you going to do in town?"
"I'm not too sure yet, I
might get lunch, I dunno really, just though it was time I took a
look around." Oscar nodded in the general direction of the
town.
"Yes, I've only been to the supermarket so far, it
seems nice enough, I've just been so busy unpacking I haven't had to
chance to even think about getting out the house to do anything."
She shook her head, "Maybe sometime this week."
"Yeah,"
Oscar couldn't quite remember what day of the week it was, it was one
of those unimportant things that usually escaped his mind. "What
time is it now?" He inquired.
"About nine-ish," His
mother shrugged, "Why are you awake so early anyway?"
"Not
sure," Oscar shrugged. He brushed his black hair off his
forehead and then placed his empty coffee cup down on the balcony.
There was a pause and then he announced that he should get biking
down to the town if he wanted to make a day of it, his mother agreed,
picked up his coffee cup and left.
His mother didn't work, his
father earned enough from his writing to support them and so it was
really all unnecessary. Sometimes his father went to meet with
'students' of his, people who he gave advice to, potential authors.
Sometimes he got paid, of he didn't really know the person, but even
the close friends he helped he usually got a free lunch or coffee
from. He thought about this as he rode along on his bike after
leaving his house. He thought he'd like to have a career like his
father's. His father seemed to know so many interesting people.
Sometimes they'd come and stay in the spare room at their old house
and his father would be like a mentor for them when they had writer's
block or just simply needed inspiration.
He liked it when the
students came to stay, they'd sit in his father's old study until the
earl hours of morning and talk about exciting ideas. Sometimes Oscar
would sit with them and listen and watch until he felt his eyelids
fluttering shut with tiredness and he fell asleep in the green
armchair in the corner of the study, his dreams of imaginary
characters running about their imaginary lives. Oscar had heard no
talk yet of students coming to stay, he supposed it was still to
early in the moving days for guests to come and stay, but he couldn't
wait until one did.
(Thank you for your time! This is the first thing I've published on here, I'd really appreciate some advice. I'm four or so chapters into this, and I know plot isn't mentioned just yet so I'd like to mention that the story follows Oscar who discovers that he is able to move between universes.)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi! Cricket here for a review!!
Well first thing I noticed is that your paragraph length's are just about perfect to my mind. As their are very few grammar mistakes, I'll point out the ones that I see, and then talk about some other stuff that I think you should work on a little.
First off would be redundancy. There's actually quite a bit, but some of it is rather slippery to the eye, so it's no wonder that you didn't grab it. I'll cut out a few spots and then talk about how you might avoid it in the future.
Apologies for cutting out so much, but this is the spot that I chose for now. XD Saying rain six times within the space of two paragraphs is not generally OK. Now if you were going for repetition, it would be ok, but as I don't think you are here, I would suggest re-wording this mostly.
There are a couple more spots that are like this, but I figured I shouldn't spam your work with a bunch of nitpicks, so I'll just tell you how I managed to get rid of MOST of my redundancy.
The best way to do it, is to basically read it aloud to yourself after you're done writing the actual work. Also, it wouldn't be a bad idea to sometimes just run the words/phrases over inside your head as you write. I helped me a lot doing that, and I'm sure it will help you as well. Words that you need to focus a paragraph on, don't need to be mentioned a million times, but rather you can go around that, by describing it a bit more, using words that mean sorta the same thing (like droplets/mist/spray/dampness/ just the basic wetness factor really). Try to go for the same picture, while describing everything, but still keeping the overall theme for it. XD
One other thing that I did notice, was that you tend to skip around a lot. Like you'd be talking about the rain, and then you'd start talking about tree roots (or something like that XD) and it sometimes gave me the impression of it being dis-organized a bit. Try to keep one single idea inside the one paragraph as to avoid overall confusion. Like your sentences should relate to each other, but also add to the story, but in some spots... like this one!
Kinda like this one. Try and describe the succession as you go, rather than just say that he did, as the sentences don't really relate much to each other. Instead they kinda bounce off each other, creating a feeling of emptiness where there should be something to fill it up. Description, or maybe some internal thought would be nice as well. Speaking of which, your descriptions are absolutely amazing. I hope to one day be able to do them as good as you, and hats off to how well you do them.
One more thing before I go, is your use of the Five Senses. Like I said before, you are really good at working those descriptions in, but I still think you could work on your use of the Five Senses. There is basically only one sense being used here, and that is sight. Occasionally I saw smell, but it wasn't very often. I would suggest trying to work them all in slowly. Sight is good, but what does everything smell like? What does it all feel like? Perhaps there is some annoying backround noise somewhere? To create an overall good picture, for the reader, you will need to use ALL five senses. It's really quite essential when doing description. But again, you do an excellent job at putting in the little details with sight, so all you really should work on in the description department, is bringing in the other four senses.
OK! I think I am done for now, and I hope this little bit helped you! Have a nice day and keep writing!
~Cricket
Hey els! Welcome welcome welcome to YWS! I'm Stella, and I'm going to be your reviewer today.

So I've gotten out of the habit of doing nitpicks, but I do have a few for you
NITPICKS
So, you're repeating the word 'rain' a lot over the next two paragraphs and mostly it's fine, but I'm not liking the second use in this sentence.
Twice I read this as "the little house that he liked"
But you just said it was the rain.
You say this, and don't return to this thought for the rest of the paragraph.
She didn't spot him, back to him
early
GENERAL
Okay so the thing I really loved about this was the atmosphere! You really captured the atmosphere of the area, Oscar's mood towards it, his parents, the woods, the house... I really felt like I was there and that's a very good feeling to walk away with!
I think the issue I had, though was that nothing really happened! You say this story is about crossing worlds - that's amazing! But there's no hint of that in this chapter. There's a hint that Oscar might be depressed, that something happened in his past, and I like that. But a first chapter is supposed to hook us. It's supposed to grab our attention. And if there's no real link to the main plot here, then how are we supposed to get hooked?
Why did you decide to begin the story at this moment? Does the actual story start here? If so, make that part more prominent to us. Make us interested in what happens next. Because while this was a pleasant read, I didn't feel like I'd read any more, purely because there was nothing that hooked me in this part.
So atmosphere, and characters - great. But plot - plot needs to be a bit more present!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hello there! c:
Key in for a review~
First off, I really liked this story. <3 Even though there isn't very much happening in this chapter, it caught my attention and entertained me all the same - which is a rare skill in writers; so I congratulate you for it! The plot that you mentioned sounds very intriguing as well, so expect to see me around in your next chapters! :3
Another praise I have for this is your use of description; which is the primary reason why this chapter wasn't boring, I think. It really set the scene and allowed me to get a feel for the story and its characters - I've also fallen in love with the house while I was at it as well. xD Out of many favorite lines from this story, I would have to say that this was my favorite -
Moving onto my critique, the main problem I found in your writing were your sentence structures, or sometimes lack of it. In a lot of cases, I think the use of semi-colons would have benefited you greatly - since they help with the sentence's flow and ease of comprehension.
Generally, semi-colons are used to link two different clauses that are relatively similar in thought into one sentence. Meanwhile, commas (like you have used throughout this story) are normally only used to separate clauses. A few examples where you could have swapped commas for semi-colons are as follows (keep in mind that I was just scrolling and finding them randomly, there might be more in between the ones I picked):
See how I've replaced the first comma with a semi colon? The two different clauses here are the description of the outside, then the closely linked description of the rain. Another possible distinction would be perhaps how the first part is an observation, and the second part the feel; if that makes sense (which it probably doesn't - I can't explain things very well).
The two different clauses that you are trying to combine here (the second comma) are Oscar's action, then the description of his action.
The clauses were the statement and the reason. c:
Alright, hopefully you've understood my rather incomprehensible explanations, because I will now move on. I found some of your dialogue in this piece slightly disjointing; it may only be me, but sometimes it took away from the almost realistic feel that this piece had - which I think you meant it to have at this particular stage in the book. I'll point out a few examples, but it doesn't really matter much - but if you are looking for a challenge, try studying speech patterns of different people to help add some extra realism to your writing. ^.^
'Yes' is a very definitive answer - but Oscar soon follows that up with 'sort of'; which makes the sentence feel off-balance. It might be a speech pattern that you designed for Oscar specifically, in which case ignore me, but normally that kind of phrase, 'yes' would probably be exchanged for something more uncertain. Examples that come to mind are 'yeah' and 'well'. While yeah and yes essentially mean the same thing, you will find 'yeah' more in speech patterns of actual people in that particular context (or in my experience anyways).
Alright, I am moving into extremely nit-picky territory here, sorry. xD But I'm picturing Oscar as your (more or less) typical teen. Teens tend to be lazy - therefore will find themselves shortening their sentences; thus, the 'now' is unnecessary.
Nitpicks
Excluding nitpicks about semi-colons.
I think that a full-stop after 'usual' would have fitted better. This is the case in quite a few other places, especially in your dialogue, perhaps you could watch the sizes of the sentences in your dialogue a bit? c:
I think you meant that she didn't spot him. xD
The same verb in a short amount of time. Make sure, when proof-reading, to look out for the use of the same word in a small amount of text. :3
I'm not sure if this makes sense - perhaps rephrase it? c:
Anyways, I think that's all I've got to throw at you for now.
-Almond