i long to see you lingering,
a foot of yours reaching over the edge of a stair,
a slouch in your shoulders,
the raven-black in your eyes swirling
against the rest of the world
to make room
for me
i long to sit next to you,
knee-to-knee,
knocking against each other,
drunk on the sky as i watch
how you duck your head
and let it quake
when you empty out your laugh
i want you to listen
as i hollow out my stories;
let the flowers in my stomach rise up my throat
and wilt at my mouth
so you can pick them up as they disintegrate,
falling onto the cement and the glass and the blood
i wish you’d know my silhouette
and stop outside my picture frame,
peel back the colors
and see what’s underneath,
paint caked beneath your nails
like dirt lingering from a childhood lost
and then maybe you’d see
the anger and the hurt
and an inky black the color of your eyes,
because really–
all i’ve ever longed for is peace,
and all i’ve ever longed for is you
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hi there!
What a strikingly evocative poem. I can definitely grasp and feel the emotion of the speaker - and because this feeling of unrequited love (or maybe it's also a combination of not feeling seen by someone you're after?) is universal, I think anyone reading this would understand. I don't want to assume, but based on the description you included, it sounds like this could be how you're feeling. I know how it is, and how visceral this feeling can be! Hold in there <3
What I find this poem achieves well is the imagery. I think the entire idea of a still life is particularly impactful because it's able to grasp this idea of unrequited love not really starting anywhere. In other words, the flowers haven't even had a chance to bloom - they were still and dead at the start because of the very nature of the unrequitedness. The third stanza, I think, is the most dramatic and successful at achieving this.
Something else I noticed is that the speaker seems to maybe be struggling with demons of their own? Like, something else is troubling them beyond the crush that doesn't see them? I hear this speaker as someone who is pained beyond the issue at hand, who perhaps is seeking out love with this other person as a temporary salve to a deeper pain? I'm not sure, but that's the sense I get. While I really like some of the lines that describe this, I also always struggle with multiple "big issue topics" (for lack of a better phrase) in poems since already words are an economy. I might recommend building out a bit further or, if this is appropriate, working harder to align this pained speaker persona directly with the unrequited love.
I really enjoyed reading this and just love the simple, visceral language. Let me know if you have any questions or anything! Keep writing. I look forward to more from you.
xx
Lav
thank you so much for your time and your kind words! i understand what you're saying about building this poem out further
) i'll definitely work on that. thanks again!
Hello, let me leave a quick review.
I like how this poem reflects both on the narrator and the person being described. The narrator thinks of the other person in intriguing ways, sees them through eyes that see bits of beauty others might overlook. The narrator also describes themselves in sort of poetic terms, so it gives a glimpse of both persons.
You can tell the narrator has taken time to notice the other person, and yet that person doesn't seem to have noticed the narrator in the same way. Unrequited feelings has always been a big topic in poetry. Here the expression is simple but genuine.
The imagery of the flowers growing up and wilting was unique. You also used visual cues to hint at the life of the person being described, and these are cool when they're used like this, as hints rather than stating things outright.
Well, that's all for now. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!
thank you <33