Sleep Won't Come

I totally get this! I always have to think myself to sleep. I like this because almost everyone can relate to this! Your a great poet! Just making something ordinary sound poetic and lovely. Great job! I didn't see any errors! Your poem was nice and I would love to read more of your writing! Keep writing!

From,
Buddy886551

First off, I liked this poem. I can really relate to it....
However, I believe some of your grammar is off. Also, the flow of the poem and the sentences are pretty choppy. It's like *read, pause, read, pause, read*--it's a little disconcerting for the reader... Try evening it out, let it flow some more. There's nothing wrong with short lines, but just avoid being choppy.
I loved your descriptions and your ending. Although, I would take out the "the" in "But the Sleep Won't Come".
There's nothing else I can really criticize--just look out for grammar and choppy sentences. Great poem!

Keep on writing!
Dragonrider

Hey! Lillie here to review your work! (On a tablet, so this is going to take a while to type!

First off, I would like to say this is a wonderful piece, describing the thoughts of someone experiencing insomnia. I myself experience this at times, so I know what it feels like.

Okay, I'm going to start off with the things I think you could fix! At the part where it says: Where Are You?, I think it sounds kind of choppy. This is just my opinion, so it doesn't mean I'm going to die if you keep it that way. Also, I think you started off a line with And a little too much. Maybe find another word to replace it/remove the And in some places? That is basically all I could find.

Next, the things I didn't like. This is going to be a very short section, because I could barely find anything I didn't like. Well, this isn't something I didn't like, it's more something I didn't understand. Why did you put UnConsciousNess? I don't get it. Also, I know I kind of already said this, but I didn't like how you started so many lines in a row with the word And. It makes the poem sound sort of repetitive. This is basically all I could find that I didn't like.

And last, but definitely not least, the things I like! I love how you use a really vivid description of whatthe person is going throug, lying in bed, but uncapable of falling asleep! It's almost as if we are the person that is suffering from insomnia. I also like how you described how the person wishes to fall asleep, but they can't.

Overall, this is a marvelous piece, and I hope to read more of your work in the future!

Keep Writing,
Lillie

Hey,

Reviewing, yup I am going to be doing that for the piece or try doing that and I hope it helps.

First of all let's start with the idea of the poem, it was innovative and different and the poem was very easy to understand, I will give you that. Another good point about the plot was that it had one specific idea on which you wrote the whole poem.

Now coming to the formatting, you need to, like really need to format this poem. It had no proper formatting plus there were some lines which seemed like they were incomplete or two lines are meant to be together, I am showing it below:

"I am laying here

With my eyes closed"

Behind my heavy lids

A different dimension keeps me alert

And dragging it into the world of Un Conscious Ness

The way I will it to

Hello there!!!! Good attempt I would say...But to be honest..There are some lines which I found needs refinement...No wonder, it is a good poem, but just a titbit of improvement can be done into it...

First, " I am laying here" , if I am not wrong you are making a grammatical mistake here...For you are using "am" with "lay", which I don't think you have any intention of intersecting the past and the present in this line...So it will be "I am lying here" or why don't you start it with just "Lying here" and omitting the word "But" in the third line..It will kind of draw a direct attention of the reader, unlike "I am lying here" which I prefer to keep it in the safekeeping of the novelist and not to a poet ( I hope you are getting what I mean)...

Second, the description of the various things that lies buried inside your unconscious mind, which doesn't allow you to sleep (I feel like a therapist writing all this!!) is quite "long" for me...Because if you want to keep the link between the rhythm (which you can't forego in a poem) , than you need to look out for the words and length of your poem..You can simply do it with "It dances/And twirls/It bubbles/And leaps"...The fifth line is somewhat not needed actually...For when you read it in a tone,in rhythm, them you can feel a bit uncomfortable with the fifth line..so just look out for this...

Third, again the same thing with description...You can avoid using "And" as it makes it monotonous...instead use the punctuation ";" or a comma will also do...

Fourth, there should be a comma after "Sleep where are you"

This is all what I think should be looked upon, but nevertheless, it is a good poem to read...I wonder if you wrote it with the same thinking with what I am reading with...It is that the breaking up of lines with two words, or one word each ( Which I already wrote about expecting no offence from your part) creates a drowsy mood of the person who is speaking in the poem ( I don't know if it is you )...I won't drowsy, but a more better word would be half-slumber...You are trying to sleep, your eyes joining you in this quest, but you are unable to sleep...A fine concealed mood of the poem lies for me in this part...Just the length disturbs me a bit....keep writing...