Hi everyone! Sorry if I have been inactive for awhile.. School has been flooding my brain recently since moving to different surroundings, which I hope you'll understand. I'm only in middle school, so don't expect any shakespeare writing anytime soon.. This was a class assignment, and I thought that I would share the piece of writing with y'all.. so yeah :)
We walked steadily down the continuos hall, voices echoing behind the cobblestone ruins. My iron sword, plastered with blood, gleamed in the moonlight. My legs felt like they were going to turn into ramen noodles, but I managed to keep my feet steady as we walked along the empty hall. I felt like falling into a pit of sadness, and start sobbing from the top of my lungs. This was probably because of the present spell that laid on the depths of the forbidden hallway. There was a myth that described this place as a beautiful, jam packed casino that attracted many tourists to come. But suddenly, the moon stood out as a solid, red beam of light. A winged figure glided upon the casino, and slashed it into a millenia of pieces. He casted a spell that left this place into complete misery. People still don't know why this “figure” approached, and completely torn the casino into pieces, and the identity of the deadly creature has been unknown for the past couple of decades.
It was hard to walk on the solid pavement, because every step ached from our sudden fight with the Shaggy Wolf. His name sounded stupid to me, but encountering into a fight with him is the kind of business you shouldn’t be laughing at, especially when you’re deep rivals with that someone. Our fights with him have been surprisingly common over the past two weeks, probably because of the mismatched details quoted from the oracle. Her gravelly voice still went racing back and forward inside my head, as if I were in a trance: You will meet with the unexpected, and there will be no one behind your tail to seek help. Both warriors will suffer through brutal stages. But, in the end, one will suffer the painful death that will change history, forever. I kept contemplating if the Shaggy Wolf really was the “unexpected” warrior, but another part of me keeps clicking in my mind that something even more deadly would come upon our path. I finally had the time to think up a storm about this stuff. There couldn’t be any other species up ahead, right?
Oh boy, was I wrong.
The ruins of the casino suddenly shaded into a bloody red, and I looked up and found out the source of the sudden light. The moon looked as if it were plastered with thick, red paint, and a winged creature with sharp talons casted a shadow that went over the surface of the bloody moon. Bloody Moon.
A connection instantly sent my brain into shock waves. The myth about the winged creature.. It couldn’t be. I expected the creature to reveal its true identity once the shadow disappeared into the blinding mist, but it wasn’t there. Were we going to be slashed into a million pieces in a few seconds? Where is the creature? Emotions raced back and forward inside my head, wondering where the creature has gone to. I looked behind me if Heather and Mike were also deciphering what all of this meant, but they weren’t there. I ogled all around the hall, desperate for my friends’ help. Then a thought instantly sank into my mind, this was it. This was what the oracle told us before our daring escapade: You will meet with the unexpected, and there will be no one behind your tail to seek help. It took a few seconds to sink this all in, but then something happened, well actually, multiple things happened.
The moon shot black, and the whole hallway turned pitch black. My emotions flustered with fear. Then suddenly, my whole body tingled with agony when a scaly hand scratched my neck, and whispered with a gravelly voice:
“Death”.
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay, this is an interesting bit here. Its sort of establishing this little mystery here while mentioning some properly intriguing moments of backstory for this place and I think its just coming along quite nicely here in this piece with the whole feeling of this ancient spell cast by an unknown figure and just the general descriptions that are ringing about. It makes for a very intriguing opening at any rate.
Hmm, well that certainly isn't the most flattering of names for what seems to be a rather deadly creature there by the description, my first reactions certainly was to burst out laughing for a second, before it was clear this isn't a wolf to be trifled and well I've certain heard of blood moons before and they are never good, so I will assume a bloody moon isn't too much better. Well, this is off to quite some start here.
Ooooh, well that was a chilling ending. I love how you spend most of this paragraph simply building on the hints and the myths that were mentioned earlier, just letting us ask our own questions and image where this may be going before things just then explode out of nowhere leading to that very chilling final line. I think it makes for a really powerful ending there and on the whole you have done a really good job of getting the story to that point. Overall, I think this is a pretty solid piece here, I definitely loved the ending and the rest was also fairly decent I think.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey there Liz, Emm here for a review.
I love fantasy/mythology so naturally this is something I would be drawn to. There is lots and lots of little technical stuff here I could nitpick over but I will just touch on a few points.
Dont sweat the little stuff like spelling and punctuation and capitalization at first. These are very important things but as far as editing priorities go they are usually bottom of the list.
You mention "the forbidden hallway" if it is just a hallway that is forbidden then this is fine however if it is officially been named THE Forbidden Hallway as in proper noun then the F and H need to be capitalized.
"but encountering into a fight with him" Reread and rewrite this segment. Something like "engaging in a fight with him" would be more proper.
"sharp talons casted a shadow" this should just be 'cast' not 'casted'.
"The moon shot black" the word 'shot' does not convey a transition. Try 'turned' 'faded' 'changed' or something of that nature.
I did love the end, a fantastic revelation!
There is obviously a lot here that would confuse a reader just because this isnt a short story in the truest sense of the phrase but rather a fragment of a larger story.
I assure you there is a story to be written here that people would enjoy reading. Keep up the writing.
Emm
PS Dont ever apologize to a reviewer for your writing, only thank them for their honest critique
HEELLO Elizabeth Marieg,
A story about the myth of a dark creature. A bloody day for a bloody moon. This short story seems like it came from something bigger. The myth of the creature, the history of the casino, the oracle. And the quarrels with the Shaggy Wolf.
I like how you used "ramen noodles" instead of "your legs felt like spaghetti". It makes the story seem more modern, since ramen is so popular nowadays. Placing the word "Death" at the very end by itself is also pretty affective. I was scrolling through the story at first and, when I came upon the last word, I decided to read the story more carefully. It's a good way to intrigue readers.
I understand that at the beginning of the story you mentioned "we". But it was only towards the end of the story that you mentioned in detail that Heather and Mike were with you. In the middle of the story, it sounded like the narrator was the only one in the casino. Suddenly adding Mike and Heather could make the plot a bit more confusing. Just a tip.
Over all, though, the story's good and, towards the end, I could almost feel the scaly hand scratching my own neck.
Bloody Moons,
Night Kaizer
Okay, so I am not quite sure what is going on here. I get that it's a short story and obviously just something from school, but I still do not know who anyone is. This Heather and Mike suddenly pop in. What is their purpose? We need a bit more background about who these people are and why they were sent here. I understand they are there to fight the Shaggy Wolf- but why them?
I understand that your a bit confused on the plot of the story, but this is simply a chunk of a story that I'll soon be writing (maybe into a chapter series). I wanted the topic to be based on the myth, and that people will be intrigued by it. Sorry for the misunderstanding.