Simple little catastrophe (Chapter 1)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!My alarm clock shouted at me, and I roll over onto my side, pounding my fist on the snooze button.

I force open my eyes, groggily, and rub the sleep out of them. Blinking several times, I glare at the electric blue numbers blinking on my clock, which read 6:45. I push myself up, my biceps flexing.

Throwing my legs over the side of my bed, I shove my quilt out of the way. I tug off my tank top and fleece pajama pants, tossing them into my laundry basket.

I pad over toward my dresser, yanking out my favorite jet black and royal purple leotard, tugging it on. Once my leotard is on, i pull on some old sweats and my Clemson hoodie.

I jog over to the bathroom, brushing my hair, as i gather it up into a neat ponytail. I quickly brush my teeth, and grab my gym bag out of my bedroom.

I slip down the stairs to find my mom on the couch, eyes glued to the television, as she sips her coffee. "Hi, mommy. You almost ready to go...?" I ask, eyeing her fuzzy robe, slippers, and tangled hair which she's pulled back in a hairband.

She sighs, "Crap. I totally forgot, baby! Give me 10 minutes." She hopped up, bounding up the stairs, until I could only hear the shower blasting in her bathroom.

Shrugging, I head over to the kitchen, where I pour a glass of orange juice, pull out 4 vitamin pills, and a pop a piece of toast in the toaster. I drop the pills onto my tongue, taking a swig of orange juice to wash them down. Because of my slim figure and picky appetite, i have to take vitamins every day to keep up my nutrition.

about 7 minutes later, my mom retreats down the stairs, wearing a grey pants suit, her hair in a sophisticated bun, bright red lipstick painted carefully over her plump lips, and black stilettos on her feet, her bright red toenails peaking out of the toe.

"Alright. Let's go." She replies, grabbing her purse off of the counter, and retreating out the garage door. I follow her, and climb into the back seat, where I open my book, Pride and Prejudice, becoming entrance in the land of Darcy, Jane, Elizabeth, and Charles Bingley.

Hi there!

I don't know if there's any chapters before this, so I'll just comment on the content of this one.

So do you notice how every sentence in the first few paragraphs starts with 'I'? Well there's a reason it's like that. It's because you give no description whatsoever. Have you ever heard of the saying 'show not tell'? Well it's a common saying with writers and reviewers. it means show me through your writing what happens, not tell me. It's more fun if you show us the way she does it, maybe by commenting about how she does things different then others. Obviously you chose her as your main character for a reason, so what is it?

The other comment I have to make is that she's rushing and rushing to get her things done, and when her mother is going to make them late, she's okay with it? No, I'd be so mad, and I'm sure everyone else would, too. Unless their mother is extremely emotional and would get all mad about the kid being mad. But, really, you need to add some realistic elements to this. You need more emotion. At the moment, the only emotion you give me is that your MC shrugs, which is a sign of not caring... that's a pretty boring emotion. Just put more description in to this and you should be good.

Other than that, nice way to jump start the plot of this!

Classy

Overall, very interesting. Just a few capatilization problems that drove me nuts while reading it. If I capatilized something for you, I'll put it in italics.

elfwriter97 wrote:

I force open my eyes, groggily, and rub the sleep out of them. Blinking several times, I glare at the electric blue numbers blinking on my clock, which read 6:45. I push myself up, my biceps flexing.

Throwing my legs over the side of my bed, I shove my quilt out of the way. I tug off my tank top and fleece pajama pants, tossing them into my laundry basket.

I pad over toward my dresser, yanking out my favorite jet black and royal purple leotard, tugging it on. Once my leotard is on, I pull on some old sweats and my Clemson hoodie.

I jog over to the bathroom, brushing my hair, as I gather it up into a neat ponytail. I quickly brush my teeth, and grab my gym bag out of my bedroom.

I slip down the stairs to find my mom on the couch, eyes glued to the television, as she sips her coffee. "Hi, Mommy. You almost ready to go...?" I ask, eyeing her fuzzy robe, slippers, and tangled hair which she's pulled back in a hairband.

She sighs, "Crap. I totally forgot, baby! Give me 10 minutes." She hopped [this should be hops] up, bounding up the stairs, until I could only hear the shower blasting in her bathroom.

Shrugging, I head over to the kitchen, where I pour a glass of orange juice, pull out 4 vitamin pills, and a pop a piece of toast in the toaster. I drop the pills onto my tongue, taking a swig of orange juice to wash them down. Because of my slim figure and picky appetite, I have to take vitamins every day to keep up my nutrition.

about 7 minutes later, my mom retreats down the stairs, wearing a grey pants suit, her hair in a sophisticated bun, bright red lipstick painted carefully over her plump lips, and black stilettos on her feet, her bright red toenails peaking out of the toe.

"Alright. Let's go." She replies, grabbing her purse off of the counter, and retreating out the garage door. I follow her, and climb into the back seat, where I open my book, Pride and Prejudice, becoming entrance[d] in the land of Darcy, Jane, Elizabeth, and Charles Bingley.