Published April 28, 2010
Down my cheeks my eyes rain,
All of my aching pain,
That's gathered after all the years,
Tears of happiness, joy, and fear.
This new emotion fills every pore,
I'm all filled up, yet I want more,
They tell me it's love, but I have doubt,
How could it make you want to laugh, but want to shout?
I can't get my head around,
the fact that our hearts are bound.
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First off, I think you should change this poem into two stanzas, not four, because think of your poem as sentences - don't split a sentence in half:
Down my cheeks my eyes rain, all of my aching pain/ that's gathered after all the years; tears of happiness, joy, and fear.
But of course the sentence it's self is fine, except for the comma I changed to a semi-colon, which isn't necessary, but recommended.
I just suggest that you put another rhyme here, because it seems very forced and ruins the flow of the poem :/ Good job, though! Keep writing!
I think you should scrap this, mainly because it is simply saturated with cliches. Not to mention that it came across as shallow; nothing stirred my emotions when I read it. If you do keep it, replace some of the commas with periods. This way it won't feel like a run–on sentence to read.
The final line really needs to be changed; it felt really disconnected from the lines above it. The narrator can't fathom that she's in love, and yet she's perfectly able to describe how it feels? Odd. Also,
*shrugs*. Keep it if you must, but you have a lot of work to do if you fix it. Mostly take out the whole "I'm crying, I'm in pain, I'm happy, I'm in love" fluff. I think you can keep the theme without having to write in such a way.
See you around.
I actually really love this poem.
I can relate with it, and it makes me think.
The analogy "Raining eyes" is really great,
it's a little different and new than just tears(:
Overall i really really liked this poem ;D