Frozen once again
Hollow in a shell
I melt in the wake
Turn solid with the night.
How will this end
with time never ending
and me descending in a drunken trance
Watching something they call dance
With this comes my occasional pick up
Full of spit up
the last sip, under minding my lip
my hip turns before my head
"I am dead", the bar man before me said.
Guess I died that night?
Shame, considering I’m the only one to blame.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Okay well, I liked this. You asked me to review one of your poems and here I am XD
Umm I don't think this was completely frigid or emotionless, I thought there were enough emotions actually. I sensed some darkness and some regret I believe. It was a good description for an ending life. I thought you described the last instants beautifully. I mean, you added a touch of uncomprehensible chaos, it was nice! Good job.
Now see, the poem is perfectly clear to you. The idea of no emotion is what I wanted from the reader. I wanted the reader to experience what the narrator was going through in the last second of his drunken death.
I am glad that you were able to capture the feeling of the poem.
Element,
I don't mind at all!
I got from it that the speaker goes to parties to feel like they have purpose, which was their ultimate demise, and that they were quite dissmissive about the whole ordeal.
For me, there wasn't much emotion shown, except for the ending, which made them seem like they were trying to give off an air of not caring much about it.
I'm not sure if that was the intended meaning, but that's what I gathered from it.
QL798
Well if you would not mind me asking "What did you get from the poem?"
Element,
So, I'm a tad bit confused about this work.
It seems like you tried to form poetic structure, but then gave up, and the tried again, and it's all a little bit awkward and messy.
I do believe that this has potential, but right now, it is really quite rough.
The last two lines I can tell are supposed to be impactful, but just fall flat.
Maybe if you could fix the rest of the poem to fit some sort of structural format and get those two on their own, I think this could be a really great piece.
Sorry if this was confusing, but I do hope it helps.
Keep it up,
QL798