E - Everyone

Mt. Avar

PreviousNext

The sky is still a blanket of black and purple as I tally day number 1,095 on the dank cave wall. I step back and gaze at the countless grooves in the soft rock. Every day I wonder why I’m here. And why I can’t get out. But then I remember, today marks a milestone in my … journey, I suppose: three years I have lived on this secluded island with a curse cast upon me by a crotchety old woman. Three years of agony, disappointment, and insanity. Three years of waiting. Now, now I finally have the chance to get what I want.

*                 *               *

A few years ago, they came in a vast white vessel, parting the sea. I didn’t notice their presence until the captain cast the anchor overboard. Nine other sailors disembarked, walking unsteadily as they adjusted to the motionless ground. I didn't know if they were friends or foes, so I concealed myself. They spoke some unfamiliar language. The captain pointed at the map in his hands, and the rest of the men gathered around and inspected its contents.

Eventually I decided it was best to reveal myself. After all, I thought, they could be my way out of here! With that hope, I sprung up from my hiding spot and strode over to the sailors.

“Hello! I am Eli. I live on this island. What brings you here?” I addressed the captain, unsure of whether or not he would understand me. All the men jumped at my unexpected voice, but they quickly steadied when they realized I wasn’t a visible threat.

“Oh! Um, hello!” he exclaimed. Apparently he spoke English. “I am Captain Lewis, and we are sailors from Europe. We have heard of a legend that tells of a great treasure on a remote island in the Atlantic. We think this just might be the place. Now, why are you living here?”

My ears had perked at the word “treasure.” Thoughts of wealth and jewels and fortune raced through my mind. My daydreams almost made me forget that Captain Lewis had asked me a question. I would inquire about this legend later.

“A few years ago, I visited Europe and went on a boating trip with some friends. We went out too far and inevitably got lost. Black clouds enveloped the sky; a storm was approaching. During our struggle to steer the through the turbulent waters and torrential rain, we crashed into those craggy rocks to the west,” I pointed. “Both of my friends drowned, but I managed to swim to this island, and I’ve been here ever since, hoping for an opportunity to return to the world.”

The captain, obviously concerned, apologized for the tragic event. “I can’t imagine living here in isolation for even a month. Tell you what: If you help us with our journey, we’ll help you with yours.”

The offer was a win-win situation. I would be able to get off this awful island, and surely they’d give me some of the treasure for my life back on land. Money and escape. Sounded great to me.

“I’m in,” I asserted. “Just tell me what I need to do.” The deal was set.

The next morning, we set out for the path according to the ancient map. However, scarcely five minutes into the trip, a frail old lady approached us.

“Young men, if you are attempting to travel to Mt. Avar, I suggest you turn back now,” she admonished in a hoarse voice. “The true destroyer of men is awaiting you, and—trust me—you do not want to encounter this enemy.”

We glanced at each other in confusion. Who did this woman think she was? The captain replied, “We have no reason to believe you. Now, if you would please excuse us, we have a mission.” He marched around her, and we followed. I agreed with Lewis; how could we know to trust her?

So the trek continued. Three times the old woman appeared, warning us of the alleged danger that laid ahead. We still ignored her and made our way to Mt. Avar.

The real trouble came about halfway through the trip, when the sun was high in the sky. Everything was going smoothly until I heard one of the sailors yelp. Everyone began stumbling frantically, with more cries of pain and distress. Everyone appeared to be shrinking—we were stuck in quicksand. I tried to retrieve my sinking foot, but the sand was too powerful. This is the end, I thought. But Lewis was still behind me, unscathed. I cried for help as the sand devoured my foot and then my leg. The captain nimbly snapped a branch off a nearby tree and held it out to me. Hastily I reached for it, and we worked together to pull me out of the mess.

He pulled with all his strength, and somehow he was successful. But good fortune was not with him: As he rescued me, the rocks beneath his feet slipped, and in turn he plummeted into the quicksand. I desperately tried to save him, but to no avail. He was gone, along with the other men. I slumped against a tree and cried out. How would I find the treasure now? And how would I get to land?

I paced endlessly, trying to think of a plan. Then I noticed the captain's map on the ground, which he must’ve dropped in his efforts to rescue me. Although dirty and torn, I could decipher the information. I noted Mt. Avar’s position relative to my own, and soon I was back on the path.

I continued my journey for what seemed like an eternity. Though I had no one to guide me, I somehow managed to complete my odyssey. I stopped and slowly lifted my eyes from the map to the colossal mass of rock not 50 feet from my location. I had made it.

Once I recovered from the shock, I searched for an entrance to the mountain. I spotted a heap of loose rocks and black ash, so I started toward the mountain’s base. But an obstacle stood in my way—the eerie old woman. I would not let her get in my way this time.

“I see you haven’t taken heed to my forewarnings,” she croaked. “Sadly, I must take action.”

“I know what I’m doing,” I snapped. “Let me pass. I came to get my treasure, and you can’t stop me, not when I’m this close.”

She morosely sighed. “As you wish. You may have your so-called ‘treasure.’ But I must place a curse on you to offer you time to reconsider your motives and—”

“Fine!” I interrupted. “Whatever it takes. Just give me this curse-thing if that’s what you want and let me be on my way. And I won’t be reconsidering anything.”

The witch put her back to me and lifted her hands to the azure sky. Deafening lightning flashed around us, drowning out the foreign words she was muttering. Almost instantaneously, the commotion disappeared and she turned back to me. “Every year on this day, you will be given the opportunity to travel to Mt. Avar and claim your riches. On that day and only that day will you be able to take on this endeavor. If you do not reach your goal before midnight on that day, you will be transported back to the caves on the opposite side of the island. But be warned once again, you most certainly will encounter the destroyer of men if you reach your treasure.” And with that, I was back in my cave.

*                       *                    *

I hastily pack my food for the day and grab the map on my way out the cave. In the darkness, it is rather difficult to find the path, but I have already attempted this trip (though unsuccessfully) twice before. This time I am prepared, and I am determined to get my treasure.

The day’s journey begins smoothly. I encounter a few snakes, but they do not hinder my advancement. I deliberately trek around the quicksand, even though it is a longer route.

I feel my feet get lighter and lighter with anticipation as each step brings me closer and closer to Mt. Avar. I know that this is the day my life will be complete. I will find the treasure I have waited for for three years, and then I will take it all back to the ship my old sailor friends left and navigate back to the mainland. Everything will be perfect.

There it is. I see the mountain. My mountain. My life awaits inside, and this time there is no old woman to stop me. I see a pile of loose rock and ash and I begin digging, slowly at first and then wildly. I can hardly control my hands from shaking. But I must focus on my goal.

At last I have created an opening! And the sea has only just begun to eat the sun. I rush into the depths of the darkness and nearly trip over the soft ash under my feet. I feel a sharp pain in my foot. I reach down and inspect … a diamond! I blink my eyes, and it’s still there. I follow a trail of gems and gold until I reach the heart of the mountain. And then I see it. A heap of all the riches in the world.

My happiness explodes out of my body, and I rejoice in my success. I have at last found exactly what I was looking for, and my life is now whole.

But then my feet begin to shake, though not of my own will. The mass of riches scatters, and I am surrounded by my treasure. As the ground begins to rumble and steaming hot lava starts seeping through the cracks under my feet, I painfully realize that the old woman had spoken with truth.

The last sound I hear is the rumbling of the volcano’s belly as I am devoured into the Earth.

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
anonymousx
Comment

I was going to do a review but I realized that all I have to say is: I need more of this and I really really really liked this.

Thank you so much! I worked extremely hard on this story, and I'm working on others like it :)

User avatar
Harker
Review
Harker wrote a review · Mon Sep 08, 2014 11:53 am

Hello, there. Okay… this is good. Like, very, very, very good. I'm actually just going to talk about another place you could improve, grammar flaws, since the person beneath me seems to have the rest covered. :P

Just in general, try to revise/polish your work a little more. There are some subtler flaws that could be caught if you went over it just one more time. For instance, the last sentence ("The last sound I hear is the rumbling of the volcano’s belly as I am devoured into the Earth.") loses some of its… um… momentum because of the "into". Try "The last sound I hear is the rumbling of the volcano’s belly as I am devoured by the Earth."

Overall, great job!

-IronSpark

User avatar
Lucia
Review
Lucia wrote a review · Mon Sep 08, 2014 5:28 am

This was very interesting, and kept my attention to the end. Your words colorfully bring classic island scenery to my mind, but not in a overused way. I also like your moral (which wasn't really a moral, but I attributed it from your story anyway), which seemed to be saying that the greed that consumes a person eventually leads to destruction of some sort. Very nice. :)

You need to polish this up a little more. Focus on giving the verbs a direct object. (ex. " But then I remember, today marks a milestone in my … journey, I suppose:" You "suppose" what?")
When Eli explained his backstory, he described it a little too well for common speech. If you had been the one talking, would you have said something like, " Black clouds enveloped the sky;" or, " During our struggle to steer the through the turbulent waters and torrential rain,"? You should tone down the extra vocabulary like "torrential".
Something else I noticed, is it just me, or does Eli seem strangely nonchalant when the sailors arrive? I mean, this is apparently his first interaction with another human for a couple of years already, and he seems almost like he's blowing it off. It also seems that wealth has something to do with this. Is Eli extremely greedy? I especially noticed this when all the the sailors died. His every emotion after that experience revolved completely around his own plight, and his own gain. Did he not become friends with any of the sailors, and just not care about their deaths?
When the old lady showed up for the first time, she warned them like it was nobody's business. Or should I say everybody's business? Wouldn't they be questioning why the old lady knew about their "quest"? Or is there a reason they thought it was normal that she knew?
The whole quicksand incident seemed very sudden when I read it, and I realized that you had barely describe the terrain on their trip. You should probably add more description on the part. Is it a jungle island? Or a desert island? Or even just a resort-like island?
Reading through this, I realize I have a lot of questions about Eli's personality. But, for the last one, I'm just wondering, was he that blinded by greed at the point, that he blindly rushed into a CURSE?

So you did good job on your ideas for this, and your grammar and punctuation were all pretty good as well. When you go over this, you should focus on Eli's personality, and keep it from contradicting itself. Also, just go through the story, and try reading it from a reader's point of view. Think, this is the first time you've read this. Do you have any questions about it? Does everything make sense? Is it clear what is happening/what has happened?
So it needs a little work. But you still did a relatively good job!
Keep writing!
Cheers!



As ideas are always better than their execution, so too must dough taste better than cookies.
— Horisun