The Sphere
A clot of emotions began to disperse,
Untangled, fell apart, and faded with every verse,
Read by any being roaming this unforgiving land,
A miserable excuse for happiness, only covered in sand.
As a ball of yarn is unraveled, so did this clot,
If left behind this core, burning so very hot,
Some said it’s the last outbursts of one’s soul,
Others said once untangled, it’s the key of becoming whole.
But before ever discovering the truth to this light,
Darkness started to engulf this sphere, losing its might,
Time ate away and so did its glow of warmth,
Like a mother dying slowly along with her child at birth.
For years now the sphere has sadly followed her,
Towards the same fate, but there was this faint flicker,
So dull, so weak, but still some may call potential,
Even though hopeless, it struggles to break its own shell.
Endless life times of pain, endurance, kicks and tears,
And growing streaks of faded light in the void of fears,
Colliding powers released deadly sizzles of silent war,
The aftermath of an implosion dreaded by some lore.
Then the real silence arrived, moments before a pulse,
Of not soul, or achieving wholeness, rumors were false,
A journey of survival, it had only been a test,
It was happiness, at its origin, rebirth and final rest.
By: Ahmed T. Alafifi (My name included to prevent any plagiarism.)
Great poetry.
I like this poems design and imagery. The reading is smooth and fluent and well done. The classic aabb rhyme scheme always looks nice in poetry. The imagery was great. I easily pictured the sphere, as well as the metaphors and similes you placed within the poem. The ideas are vivid. This was a pleasure to read and I look forward to reading more of your poetry. This was a nice idea.
Keep Writing.
Alright, so!
Right off the bat, you need you divide this up into stanzas, where every the thought or emotion changes. Stanzas lead for easier readings, also they show the reader where to take a breath. Also, go over your comma usage! Switch some out for periods and the like!
Alright, this is an interesting poem. I don't get the range of emotion I look for when I read poetry, however. I just kind of get words. I'm not super attached because you, as the writer, do not give me a reason to get attached. I do like the way you write, and your word usage. I would suggest tweaking some of your word play to fully capture emotions.
Overall, I really like your ideas, and where you are going with this! You also have really strong imagery and an interesting way with words.
~wonderland
Thanks for the quickie. Fixed up my commas and stanzas.. I think I will wait for a couple of more reviews to come in before i switch around the wording of the poem.