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The Pink Valley

by elcuidador


thump...
thump.

In a pink-glazed valley,
she lived in a red house.
Alone, with four rooms to
keep full.
Full? Of a flow of memories
gushing, pumping
to circulate...
Forever.

inhale...
exhale.

Drawn curtains
and open eyes, let in
echos of rushing wind
from the valley...
As gasps
painted her halls
blood
red.

silent...
sighs.

Clenching throne,
a destined keeper
of dusted chambers.
A divine, glowing
essence.
My immortal,
my dearest,
soul.


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Tue Sep 29, 2015 10:08 pm
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Aley wrote a review...



Yesssss <3

This is better. I like this.

So I glanced over Penguin's review because I saw she'd reviewed your last one I reviewed too, and apparently there's a lack of clarity in what this is about to some people? Because of that I'm going to tell you what I think it is about and I will share where I got this information from.

I think it's about the individual's mind and, well, soul. I think the last line sort of spells it out for us about what you're trying to say. Red, visually, is a color that often represents passion and not just the love sort of passion, but also passion for things, such as rage, which is passionately angry about something. I think the red house sort of indicates the emotions and the strength of those emotions which binds up our soul by creating a buffer between what our brain wants us to do and what our souls decide to do in the end. When we're talking about four rooms, we've got four basic emotions that all develop out into a lot of mixes; anger, happiness, sadness, and acceptance.

These emotions are always going to move on and renew themselves no matter what, so having these empty rooms full can show how it's just the walls that make them full of something, but if you look inside the emotion itself, sometimes there's no reason for it in particular.

Breathing is a way to calm down and move back towards acceptance. It's used in meditation and it's also used to help stabilize our minds and allow our brains to control our emotions. I think that transition is really nice. I hate how you used the ellipsis though. I dislike that use of the ellipsis. I think it looks incredibly unprofessional and messy [just my opinion<I'm old school>]. I like to use dashes, commas, or space to indicate a pause in the reading. Dashes would work wonderfully there and I think you did a good job repeating the exact use elsewhere, but I dislike what you chose to use.

So I think that explains where I'm getting what I get out of the poem from. I don't really like the last five lines though. They're very preachy and don't fit in with the rest of the poem. Instead of trying to talk us through it, just give us a hint about it in the title. If it's about the heart, then say something about the heart in the title. If it's about the soul then say something about that in the title! That's going to give your reader a focus and hopefully allow them to read the poem only once to understand what you're getting at. It's sort of like writing a poem about a grasshopper and never saying grasshopper in the poem at all, just naming it "Grasshopper" to indicate such.

Anyway, keep going in this direction, but add to it. Create longer lines and more complex ideas in simple things. That's going to really push your poetry to the next level.




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Sun Aug 30, 2015 4:37 pm
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PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hey Pickle,

Here for your second promised review, only a whole month late.

I cheated and looked down to your response to Fortis to see what you said, so the mystery of what this is about was made clear to me. Once I know what you're meant to be describing, it becomes clear and I can see what you're doing. However the problem is that without that hint I had literally no idea what this would be about. That's something I think you should be mildly concerned about. Not a whole lot, because who knows what people will know when it comes to poems, and what I don't recognise 100 million other people will.

I think you're too heavy on the ellipses and that the memories line in the first stanza doesn't work at all. Your heart doesn't hold memories, that's a piece of sentimentality that you don't have in your other lines so I'm not sure why you'd want to keep it here. you have a good tone and when the subject matter is clear, I think it works quite well to maintain the imagery without negatively impacting the sense of the poem itself. Though I'm not sure about those final three lines, they're very melodramatic. Arguably, the whole poem is melodramatic, but it's more that there's a lack of emotion or concern for the persona of the poem. ]I don't feel much of anything from your poem. Part of which will be subject matter, but I don't either like or dislike it, it just exists for me.

Remove some (all) of those ellipses and consider losing those final three lines and I think that would help.

Thanks for posting
- Penguin.




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Sun Aug 30, 2015 1:05 am
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fortis wrote a review...



Hello!
So... interesting images you have here.
I can't tell what they all lead up to though? Why is the valley glazed pink? Does that represent something? What is the point you're trying to convey? Because it's going right over my head. The word choice in this sounds a bit over-dramatic. sighs, blood, immortal, dearest, gushing... is this Twilight or something? There are some word choices in this that intrigue me, such as "clenching throne" but even that, I am unsure as to its meaning.

Now I know a lot of poems are intentionally vague, but this one sounds like it has a distinctive purpose to the madness. I'm just missing it.
My best guess is that this woman that the narrator speaks of is the narrator's soul. That appears to be what the final line is referring to, but it's not clear that that's what it is, because the lines before the final line are exceptionally vague. Dusted chambers? Throne? What?
Is the valley referring to the body and the red house the heart? These are my conjectures, but I don't feel sure about it, and thus, I am confused as to the real meaning.
Poems that rely on a lot of symbols need to make the symbols clear. Otherwise most people will be questioning as to the purpose of the poem. Like me.

I hope this helps. Let me know if you have questions about my review or what you should do to your poem in the future.
Keep writing!
~fortis




Saradomin says...


Pink valley = two pink lungs
throne = heart
The vocab is supposed to hint towards the previous.



fortis says...


Ah yes, that makes much more sense.



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Sun Aug 30, 2015 12:41 am
SilverBerry wrote a review...



Hi! Blablabl92 here!
Great poem! I found it very formal and dramatic, and that was great!

As I was reading, I found
"As gasps
painted her halls
blood
red."

So I didn't really understand how gasps paint the hallway blood red? Maybe you should have,

"And gasps.
Her painted walls
blood
red."

I feel like this makes more sense? But maybe that's just me...

I get that the way you wrote everything separated was intentional, though "And open eyes, let in" I feel like the comma should not be there.

Other than those things, marvelous poem! Keep writing!




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Thu Aug 13, 2015 7:58 pm
ChocolateCello wrote a review...



Hey! ChocolateCello here!

Okay, so I'm not the best with content editing so I'm going to avoid that. (Was that a bad sentence or am I just imagining it?)

So really, I only have two things to say. First off, you keep your capitalization consistent, capitalizing the start of all your sentences. The little two line sections though- You chose to leave those all lower case. Honestly, it's fine like this, but I feel like it would be nicer if either A) everything were lower case or B) You capitalized the both words in your little two line sections. This is just my opinion though. I'm no good at editing when it comes to meaningful poetry so...

Also, your ellipsis usage was good throughout the writing but I would like to suggest that in
'silent
sighs...'
You move the ellipsis up to 'silent'
'silent...
sighs'
Not only does it fit the pattern but it reads better.

Really enjoyed reading this and hope to see more poetry form you soon.

Keep writing!
-ChocolateCello




Saradomin says...


Thanks for the review. Capitalization was intentional, the ellipsis was also intentional but I changed it after your comment. Thanks.




"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how."
— Fredrich Nietzche (Philosopher)