The Circle of Life

Hello, Toe. Here as requested.

Firstly, I'll just go through your poem.

Unexpected lies glide into our lives,

I would really like it if you perhaps explained this line further. Why are the lies unexpected? If you're talking about the 'circle of life' then everything in it seems to be an integral part of this circle, and therefore surely aren't expected. Also, is 'glide' really the right word? If the lies are unexpected, they wouldn't just merrily float into someone's life - they'd crash into lives and stomp around causing havoc.

Secrets and rumors pass through ears,

Do they really just pass through? Sounds much too passive.

Combined by love and destroyed by fears

'Combined' doesn't really work here. Combining lives doesn't fully grasp what love really does - I think it needs much more than just one word. And, if you choose not to develop this line further, I'd recommend maybe using a better word that 'combined.'
In addition, using 'fears' here feels a little bit like you're twisting your poem around in order for it to fit in with the rhyme scheme. You could always try free-form, but it's not especially bad.

Beautiful personalities brought down,
By discouragement, sorrow and grief,
Millions of future leaders faded away,
Only a handful makes it through with relief.

Here, your rhyme scheme seems way too obvious. The line doesn't work, it doesn't need to be there, yet it is because you need to fit it to the rhyme scheme. Please, please don't compromise your poem for the rhyme. It just makes everything worse. You need to work really hard to make sure the lines don't sound awkward with the rhyme, because it can seriously ruin a stanza.

Love and hate can never be compared,
Just like good and evil can never blend.

This annoyed me. The lines are untrue and cliché. Love and hate can easily be compared - they're both strong emotions that produce powerful reactions, and we often hate those who we love most. Of course good and evil can blend! No-one is just good, or just evil, and many acts have elements of both good and evil in them. I know this seems like a strong ending but, well, it's just way too black and white for my taste. Keep it if you wish, but I think you'd be better off with an alternative ending.

Overall thoughts:

The main thing that struck me with your poem is the way that you rush through everything. I found it very hard to connect with what you were saying, because you tried to cover so many topics throughout that it became quite rushed. I do get what you're trying to do here, but I think that maybe you need to slow down a little bit and take some time to allow the readers to enjoy what you're saying instead of rushing through everything at break neck speed. I don't think that you need to put everything into your poem - perhaps try to spend more time on the important things.

Another think I noticed was the lack of poetic devices in your poem. If you want to enhance it then try to include some more imagery and devices such as metaphors/similes/personification. They'll make it better for the reader and refine it much more. Try and make this more emotional for the reader - instead of just telling us what goes on in this circle, try to show us! (An old argument, I know...)


Anyway, I like the premise of your poem and the way you started it out. With a bit of work you'll definitely have something here!

-Amy

Hi, Toe. Great poem. You kick butt with poetry. Don't let others convince you otherwise.

Looks of jealousy and hate thrown around, Maybe it was just be, but this line seemed a little wordy.
Hearts broken and tears shed in misery,

Memories remembered, ambitions dreamt, This sounded a little repetitive.
Schemes planned, and proposals given,

Love and hate can never be compared,
Just like good and evil can never blend. I love this ending. It's so strong. Great way to wrap it up

.

Overall: I really love this poem. It flowed well and had a wonderful rythm. Sorry I didn't give you an in depth review, but I can't find much fault with this poem. I can't wait to see your other works. Good luck with your writing~Blue.