Death's Final Claim

Alright, and now this one. It's a little ruined for me since you told me what it was about before I read it, so I'll try to do my best with the tainted first impression.

First of all, opening with those sounds is really strong. Like, excellent. Clashes of gears and chains is so metal and it brings to mind a chaotic factory room, which works perfectly with your proposed idea of a /serial/ killer, not just a murderer.

Now, how exactly can bonds be like knives? And how can knives be pierced? Do you mean piercing? Still how would that be like bonded? I'm not getting anything from that line but confusion. Also, if he realized the whispers of his victims made him desire death (his? i assume?), why did he continue?

If he were depressed while awake, how would he have the energy to commit a murder, too? I think that you're confusing timelines in this piece. Like, NOW he feels depressed and desires death, but the majority of the poem seems like he's talking about the past in general: how it always was, and during that time he can't have been so reluctant.

I do like the idea of infection / parasite. That could be heightened more in future drafts. It goes well with the idea of this person being dominated like a toy: those zombie parasites that literally take control of their host. That kind of opens up a new can of worms (HEHEHEHE) though, because then it becomes a little more about overcoming that impulse to be clear enough to kill himself and less about the regret?

Not that the regret is clear here, anyway. It's mostly a narrative of what he used to do and then his death at the end.

I look forward to further reincarnations of this, if you do decide it's worth the work.

again, let me know if you have any questions!

Hi Toe! I have a friend named finger! Seriously.......awkward.

Death's Final Claim, you said it was inspired by another piece right? It seems that that piece is a fantasy or war action because of the way you narrated the poem. In my opinion, this piece is some kind of equal-equal, let me elaborate:

Content:
I love the word choice. Your theme seems to be close to dark fantasy but your word choice was closer to bloody sci-fi. I think it gives some sort of variation. I can't conclude it as bad because they all fit together. Great work!

Theme & Concept:
I think the best part of your piece was the concept. In your work, you developed a sense of escape and freedom from all these cruelties and annoyances you speak of. And the only way to escape is...death (oohhh). That's why I love it . You need this chance so much that you can even sacrifice your life. Noble. These are my favorite lines:

Repeated whispers of last breath,
Pulling me nearer to desiring death,
Never asleep without infection,
Never awake without depression,

Those days I regret taking lives,

Wow. A very good portrayal of your idea with a poetic sort of flow to it. It's definitely got an eerie kind of sound to it and is sort of cynical and disturbing, but I get the feeling that's how you meant for it to be. The only suggestion I will make is that in this line...

Toe wrote:Pulling me nearer to desiring death,
Never asleep without infection,
Never awake without depression,

Toe wrote:Those days I regret taking lives,
Faces bonded like pierced knives,

Toe wrote:Undiscovered words might explain,

Toe wrote:So giving up, I follow the same,
Route my victims took. Death’s claim.

Over all I enjoyed the piece. The imagery is bold and dark and I live for stuff like that. The imagery was stronger at the begining, but that is ok because it set the scene. I do have a few technical notes. The first is that there were a LOT of commas. This piece had commas like gingers have freckles. It made me pause a lot while reading it and that interupted the flow quite a bit. So I would definitely review that. Also you may want to try more direct images

Those days I regret taking lives,I don't understand this comparison at all, it made me wonder how a knife could be pierced or what the knife was piercing or whether or not the knife just stapled the faces together.
Faces bonded like pierced knives,