A Life Lost, Another Born
Swerving into a fatal turn,
Cries and screams were heard,
Metal melt, pain felt,
Tears shed at her final words.
Sudden emptiness filled my mind,
Her hasty departure petrified me,
Without goodbye, I cry,
Reaching out for you uselessly.
Years go by so very slow,
Spent by ignoring the reality,
She’s gone, I’m alone.
To me she was absolute royalty.
One day life bloomed in my eyes,
Existence replaced the dull cold,
Passion glazed, love blazed,
Making my way into a new world.
This poem took me longer than I expected, I feel the last stanza needs some work.. But oh well. Enjoy.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Some things I felt like they could definitely use work:
-"Metal melt, pain felt," Metal melt? Why metal melt? I mean, I understand pain felt, but I'm a little iffy on the metal melt part.
-"Without goodbye, I cry," Without a goodbye.
-"Years go by so very slow," Slowly, I think you meant.
Actual Review:
Okay, so you told me not to review this but I felt a little defiant today because I am divergent i cannot be controlled *raspberries and then blows up*
ALRIGHT
First off, you can't seem to decide whether you're referring to the obvious love of your life as 'you' or 'her'. This is a bit of my pet peeve in poetry, and even though it can sometimes work, I feel like if we're only talking about one person we might as well use the same words to describe them, yes? Yes okay we have found ourselves in an agreement ONTO THE NEXT POINT.
I liked what you're doing with the one life lost, yet another born metaphor. I think it could go a lot of places, and your descriptions seem to suggest that it should've, but I don't feel it just yet.
One last thing. You have a couple of cliches in there that irk me and my preference, because they just come off as a little childish. I know this is your older work so older you should know better, but I thought it would be nice to note that a lot of people describe their lovers as 'royalty' or 'goddess' or something along those lines, and after a while it loses its strength without being explained. Either elaborate on the cliche or don't use the cliche at all.
Otherwise it was good as it is, and I'm excited to see how you've improved since then.
Signing out,
--EM.
It was a good poem about a guy that lost his love and went to "a new world". It was really sad though. I especially liked how you described the feeling and the choice of words for it.
Thanks..
Sweet poem, dude! I always like short and sweet poetry like this!
Okay, now that that's out of the way, onto the real review:
I think you should elaborate on this stanza more, maybe adding some more to the entire poem. Why did the narrator suddenly regain a reason to live? Why did he all of a sudden decide to move on? I understand it's a natural thing to move on after time, but certainly there's a reason if love is being blazed from it.
Again, nice poem. Short and sweet and effective.
Hey,
So I really loved the poem, but I agree that the last stanza could use some work
So for the first line, it was great and introducted the last stanza well. Then it goes on to Existence replaced the dull cold. I felt like existence really would be living, just existing so existence would be with the dull cold, or existence would replace living, but not Existence replaced the dull, cold. Do you get what I mean. Then you went on and said passion glazed, love blazed making my way into a new world. I liked the last line but not the third one. If "she" is gone then why would passion glaze and love blaze. Maybe No Passion or love blazed.... The first three stanzas were fantastic and the 1rst and 4th line of the last stanza were fantastic, but the 2nd and 3rd line could use some work. Pm if you have any questions and I hope I was of some help.
-lilgreendots <3
Thanks, I'm flattered you called it flawless.
Its hard to put such emotions into words.I would say its flawless.Good job Toe.
And talking about the last stanza I think its nice enough but I wish this piece of work was bit more longer,but nevertheless I enjoyed it.