Published September 9, 2014
Stranded. Isolated. Left to die.
How did I get here? Why is this happening to me? Last thing I remember is lying in the loving embrace of the person I love the most in this world, sharing happiness worth a complete lifetime. It was a precious moment. And now, I am on this some kind of sea shore, desolate, hungry and without any kind of shelter. No sign of any living creature, except for some trees which are on the verge of death. Oh my wrong there are bees, a full swarm.
Bees. Magnificent creatures. Never had seen a bee for so long in my whole life. And now they are the only thing i want to look at. I am sick of looking at the sea. So much water. How can there be so much water. Never thought I would get bored of water. I have to stop thinking about water. Hey look, the bees are making their hive. Building a piece of art. A home for their queen with total devotion. Such a wonder. Buzzing and whirling around the whole place; That noise was the only thing that told me I was still alive, still able to feel the wonders of the world except for the water. That's utter shit.
What? Are the bees asleep? Their Buzzing is getting softer by each passing minute. It's like I can hardly hear them now. Why are they flying away? Leaving their half built home. Just letting go and ruining all of the hard work they did for so long. I have heard that bees can sense death and try to make themselves scarce from that place.
I hear someone crying. A woman. She's sitting by the Sea and crying and weeping. That is the first time I have seen someone human after a long time, it feels like a decade. She's washing clothes, why is she washing clothes? Who is she? The clothes are all blood stained. Those are my clothes!
Banshee!
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140,396 Literary Works • 673,154 Reviews
Hi! I really hope some of my advice is useful,
I also really love the length of this, you told a nice story within a small amount of words which I really love, because I don't have the time to read long stories!
My first bit of advice is this sentence: "Oh my wrong there are bees, a full swarm." I don't understand why the word 'wrong' is included here? Where you going to use 'god' as in 'oh my god' or was it supposed to be just: oh my, there are bees, a full swarm. ?
Second thing is in this sentence: "Never had seen a bee for so long in my whole life" maybe you should change it to 'never did I pay much attention to bees throughout my life' because you then follow it with how bee's are the only things you want to look at now.
I also think you need a question mark at the end of this sentence: "How can there be so much water. "
Other than those, I really enjoyed your story. I often challenge myself to write stories where I must include particular words! I really like "Banshee!" at the end, I feel like it just works
Keep writing!
Hi, legend here. The first thing that I saw wrong was "I am on this some kind of seashore" I don't think you need the word this in the sentence. It doesn't make sense. I think you should change " never had seen a bee" into " I had never seen a bee before" Also you do not need to capitalize buzzing in " their buzzing was stopping".
Positives:
I like this story because it's rats to see a Stein about a banshee. I actually something new because I never knew bees could sense death. I think you should add a few more details, but other than that it's a really good story. Keep writing!