Why should I carry the burden of this pain anymore?
Why should I burn my heart in her thoughts anymore?
Why should I waste my tears all night anymore?
Why should I destroy my life myself anymore?
We shall find a maiden so dear
who does not have torture as her passion.
We shall be efficacious at last. Me, and my vagrancy.
It's a remnant of my weakness
eventually it all causes infliction.
All the paths lead to nowhere and
I am left with no more remedies.
It's a game of fate.
Darkness has started to embark me.
We are inefficient now. Me, and my vagrancy.
When she was by my side, I used
to ride with panache all over town.
Now what can I possibly do?
If she is along then I am complete and
without her I am like a galaxy without stars.
Amateur and vehement. Me, and my vagrancy.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
I say awesome even though its quite shorter than the last one!! Lols anyways this is beautifully done and very inspiring!!! Hopefully I read more of your works soon they are really good haha. I meant to read this much sooner but kept getting busier and busier and it slipped my mind a lot. Well good luck and keep up the good work!!!! Happy Writing!!!!!!!!
Soulkana<3
Poor ehte. Him and his vagrancy. This was a really nice poem. One thing though:
That just didn't sound right with out some margin of separation.
I think your emotion was clear. I liked the point of view which you were sending the message. You, and your vagrancy.
Beautiful ending. Nice work, ehte. ^-^
Why should I carry the burden of this pain anymore?
Why should I burn my heart in her thoughts anymore?
Why should I waste my tears all night anymore?
Why should I destroy my life myself anymore?
We shall find a maiden so dear
who does not have torture as her passion.
We shall be efficacious at last. Me, and my vagrancy.
#804040 ">the repetition doesn't work for me. Every single one seemed cliche and I think there's a way better way to convey all of that other than questions. Torture as a passion is interesting but seems overdramatic here, I don't know. I need to read more.
It's a remnant of my weakness
eventually it all causes infliction.
All the paths lead to nowhere and
I am left with no more remedies.
It's a game of fate.
Darkness has started to embark me.
We are inefficient now. Me, and my vagrancy.
#404040 ">The first sentence doesn't really make sense, I'm not sure if 'infliction' is the word you want, maybe 'affliction.' Also "darkness has started to embark me" i don't know that doesn't really make sense either. I like 'game of fate.' 'all paths lead nowhere' is too cliche. I don't like how the two stanzas end the same way.
When she was by my side, I used
to ride with panache all over town.
Now what can I possibly do?
If she is along then I am complete and
without her I am like a galaxy without stars.
Amateur and vehement. Me, and my vagrancy.
#404040 ">a galaxy without stars is nice, amateur and vehement is ok. Weak ending, the rest didn't really work for me. I think you got some nice ideas in this poem but you should try rearranging them or starting over maybe. Always remember to read.
best,