Published April 15, 2011
Why should I carry the burden of this pain anymore?
Why should I burn my heart in her thoughts anymore?
Why should I waste my tears all night anymore?
Why should I destroy my life myself anymore?
We shall find a maiden so dear
who does not have torture as her passion.
We shall be efficacious at last. Me, and my vagrancy.
It's a remnant of my weakness
eventually it all causes infliction.
All the paths lead to nowhere and
I am left with no more remedies.
It's a game of fate.
Darkness has started to embark me.
We are inefficient now. Me, and my vagrancy.
When she was by my side, I used
to ride with panache all over town.
Now what can I possibly do?
If she is along then I am complete and
without her I am like a galaxy without stars.
Amateur and vehement. Me, and my vagrancy.
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140,581 Literary Works • 673,530 Reviews
I say awesome even though its quite shorter than the last one!! Lols anyways this is beautifully done and very inspiring!!! Hopefully I read more of your works soon they are really good haha. I meant to read this much sooner but kept getting busier and busier and it slipped my mind a lot. Well good luck and keep up the good work!!!! Happy Writing!!!!!!!!
Soulkana<3
Poor ehte. Him and his vagrancy. This was a really nice poem. One thing though:
That just didn't sound right with out some margin of separation.
I think your emotion was clear. I liked the point of view which you were sending the message. You, and your vagrancy.
Beautiful ending. Nice work, ehte. ^-^
Why should I carry the burden of this pain anymore?
Why should I burn my heart in her thoughts anymore?
Why should I waste my tears all night anymore?
Why should I destroy my life myself anymore?
We shall find a maiden so dear
who does not have torture as her passion.
We shall be efficacious at last. Me, and my vagrancy.
the repetition doesn't work for me. Every single one seemed cliche and I think there's a way better way to convey all of that other than questions. Torture as a passion is interesting but seems overdramatic here, I don't know. I need to read more.
It's a remnant of my weakness
eventually it all causes infliction.
All the paths lead to nowhere and
I am left with no more remedies.
It's a game of fate.
Darkness has started to embark me.
We are inefficient now. Me, and my vagrancy.
The first sentence doesn't really make sense, I'm not sure if 'infliction' is the word you want, maybe 'affliction.' Also "darkness has started to embark me" i don't know that doesn't really make sense either. I like 'game of fate.' 'all paths lead nowhere' is too cliche. I don't like how the two stanzas end the same way.
When she was by my side, I used
to ride with panache all over town.
Now what can I possibly do?
If she is along then I am complete and
without her I am like a galaxy without stars.
Amateur and vehement. Me, and my vagrancy.
a galaxy without stars is nice, amateur and vehement is ok. Weak ending, the rest didn't really work for me. I think you got some nice ideas in this poem but you should try rearranging them or starting over maybe. Always remember to read.
best,