Let this moment last forever

Hi ehte92! Heh, I do contests to get rid of writer's block too *glares at Mr WB*. Anyhow, I thought this was really good, and it matched the picture. I especially loved this part;

ehte92 wrote:and as our lips meet to take us
into our own little wonderland.
Let’s make the most of it
I love you, my dear.

It's a bit magical ^^.

On to the critique. I thought this was brilliant, but the structure needs a bit of... rejigging. As it is, it's very stop start and the middle has a very loooooong sentence . This is how I'd do it;

Let this moment last forever,
just me and you and Mother Nature,
watching over us.
The serene beauty of the sunset,
compliments our love here today,
let's make this moment count.
As we sit on this palm tree,
holding our hands, watching the water below,
while it wipes away the sand into it's heart.
And The sun makes a protective shield around us,
as it settles down,
into the bosom of the sea.
And as our lips meet to take us,
into our own little wonderland,
let's make the most of it,
I love you, my dear.

Much better .

Finally, you have 'moment' in there twice. I'd suggest finding another word for one situation. Also, I don't quite understand why it's rated sixteen, maybe if you change it you won't scare people off, heh.


Overall I really loved the poem. To me it seemed sad in a way, and wistful, as if was their last time together, which gave off strong emotion :3.


Keep up the writing!

~Tinkem

I'm a sucker for love poems and love songs. I think most people are and I think that people can make the most corniest poems ever but I think this was subtle and sweet. I like the last line where it says

and as our lips meet to take us
into our own little wonderland.
Let’s make the most of it

It just brought me somewhere. Keep writing