Just a dream

HAW! I HAVE DONE IT! Almost.... TAKE THAT! *dances hysterically*

ehte92 wrote:I saw you in my dream.
Yes it was you. #FF0000 ">Perhaps "I believe it was you" would work better.
It had started to dew.
I can’t explain how I felt. #FF0000 ">Don't know about this line. Sounds out of place. Also, I noticed that this stanza has a different rhyme scheme than the rest of the poem. Might want to fix that up.

Yes#FF0000 ">, I really saw you. #FF0000 ">I don't think you need to tell us that. Describe...me.
You were smiling at me.
I was much happier,
than I ever could be. #FF0000 ">Well, obviously you could be happier, since you apparently are happier.

You walked towards me. #FF0000 ">Somewhat bland. This is a dream, so don't be afraid to say things like "flew" or "danced" or something.
Your eyes met mine.
For a moment,
we were one and sublime.

You blushed and said,
"Can I borrow your phone?
You need not worry,
I shall get your bills paid." #FF0000 ">Okay another different rhyme scheme here. Try to standardize the rhyming. "Paid" and "said" don't really rhyme, though.

Without even a thought,
I gave you my phone.
My hands felt yours,
as it brought chills to my bone. #FF0000 ">As what did? I'd think about rewriting this line.

You dialed up a number.
And you talked for a while.
You grew happier as you talked. #FF0000 ">Meh. Elaborate.
Your smile covered a thousand miles. #FF0000 ">Not sure I like the hyperbole.

Finally you were offline. #FF0000 ">"Offline" is a computer term, not a phone one.
I asked who was on the line.
She said, "It’s my boyfriend."
And I for her was a godsend. #FF0000 ">Again, new rhyme scheme. You're confusing me.

My heart broke #FF0000 ">in to pieces.
My feelings burnt to ashes.
We could no longer hear our voices.
We had run out of verses. #FF0000 ">Where's the rhyme here?

I snapped out of it with a scream. #FF0000 ">Not very realistic.
#FF0000 ">When I woke, I was still in bed.
Perspiring, to myself I said,
"Gracious, it was just a dream!" #FF0000 ">Huh. Another new rhyme scheme. This time it doesn't sound so odd, though. But "gracious?" Come on.

Spoiler

i can understand the relief you must have felt n waking up!!!:D
I hate these kind of heart breaking dreams....well....it was a very nice poem....and a bad dream....enjoyed reading it!!:)

This was a good poem and even though I am a girl, I can relate!
I found nothing wrong wit this, as it was very short and sweet, and there didn't seem to be any grammer or spelling problems with it!
Keep up the good work!
CassidyRose

hey there
I've got the reviewing bug so i thought i'd just say a word or to. This poem has a lot of potential, I like how you kept with the four line per stanza thing, organization is good. It was ok but I think it was a bit too rhymy like the rhyming was sort of forced. Yes rhyming gives rhythme but if there is too much of it can be a bit exhausted. You know overused, and predictable. So keep us guessing, surprise us. With time I think you'll learn the technique. You have a lot of potential and direction which is very useful, it molds great writers/poets. Just keep up with the good work, get a trusty notepad and keep them coming.
xxx Upile xxx
Bravo!