Published January 7, 2011
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This is a very good poem but speaking as a kid (I'm not 77) I think that this was good and that you have done something great but it could be improved.
I found this really amusing and did revert me back to a few of my own childhood memories.
I found that especially funny
Though I did find it to let my mind wander a bit to much, I felt a better use of wording could have helped to keep my focus completely upon it.
Overall though a enjoyable piece!
Hey Ehte,
I found this poem chillingly familiar to an Indian song I know called Wo Khaghaz ki Kashti (That Paper Boat). Here are the lyrics in English. http://albaal.blogspot.com/2007/02/my-l ... az-ki.html
I'm wondering if you've heard this song and were inspired from it. If so, it would be wise to mention the original version so as not to plagiarize.
Apart from that, my main concern about the poem is that I feel, you forced it to rhyme at some places. You do know that not all poetry has to rhyme. Rhythm is always good, but rhyme isn't necessary, especially if we feel it is limiting our choice of words, hence limiting our ability to properly portray what we mean to say in the best manner. I'd recommend you don't bother about rhyme right now and just work on developing stronger images. Use metaphors and similes and conjure power, emotional images that will appeal to the reader.
I quite like the concept behind the poem, but I'm a little concerned the original song is not being credited here. We should try to be careful about such things.
Good luck!