Sorry for not breaking the poem into paragraphs. I have tried breaking up the paragraphs with spaces but it doesn't take it. When I try to publish it they all join together. So sorry again.
Tainted with glory
he returned from the death fields,
a place where corpses bloom
with just a splash of crimson water.
His ear drums still thumping rabidly,
his heart beating a frantic pace
as if its scared of something.
In silence, he could still hear
those horrid visions,
the voice of grim.
Human parts scattered
on earth, from which
it is said to have been built,
irony.
The child of the Reaper,
falling from the sky,
but not from the heavens(or hell or whatever)
but from planes built by men.
Scared of something?
Maybe that profane thing we call humanity
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Canary word: Present
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Sorry for the accidental blank comment there :p I love the opening line of this, it got my attention straight away. To be tainted by glory certainly is an interesting and ironic idea! Also the personification of falling bombs as the child of the reaper is both original and a wonderful way of wording it. This highlights the horrors of war brilliantly. One thing I would say is that the little section in brackets does take aeay some of the seriousness of the tone and the sophistication from your writing. Other than that, nice work!
Poetry really is a brilliant thing to write when you're bored at school, isn't it?
I like the way you describe the horrors of war e.g. the scattering of human body parts around a battlefield.
One line which I think you could improve is 'but not from the heavens(or hell or whatever)' because whilst I like what you're trying to say, adding the brackets and the 'whatever' makes the poem less 'serious' if you get what I'm saying?
I like the overall message of this poem but, whilst your imagery is good, I think that you could benefit from painting more of a picture with your words. Perhaps you could use more interesting adjectives as well as some metaphors and similes just to make the poem feel slightly more 'poetic' if you like.
Another thing which you could do is keep the rhythm regular. You don't have to rhyme it (although that is quite an easy way to give the poem more rhythm) but, if you try to keep it regular, it'll sound better out loud.
I know that my review might sound a bit negative but, I've found that a review which lists things to be improved is far your useful than a review which basically tells you that you're the next Tennyson. Remember that my suggestions are only suggestions and you, as the poet, can decide whether you want to act on them. After all, you know what's best from your poem.
Wow. This was not the kind of thing I scribbled down when bored in class, my musings were never this profound I must say. I absolutely loved this! Usually I'm not into war poetry at all. I love a good emotional poem rather than intellectual but this was a beautiful crosshatch of both which I think isn't an easy thing to do.
My favourite part is definitely your central paradox, the turning point marked by the word "irony". What man has made he now destroys. I really really loved this, can't even think of any changes I could suggest.
I see what you mean about the paragraphs. I had the same problem myself, apparently you can put it into pm format into the layout you want then copy and paste it back into the publishing centre. I haven't tried it yet, but that may work!.
Good luck with all your writing in future,
Booshian.