The Perfect Lady- Chapter 1

January 12, 2015
Novel / Chapter: Action / Adventure, General
5 comments (5 reviews)

After Annabelle was a comfortable distance from her home, she stopped and collected herself. She knew she had to change her appearance and her name, for she was well known in the small island port. Stopping just off the road, she pulled out her dagger from under her improvised belt and started cutting off her long blonde locks. Rummaging in her bag, she shook her head, going through the eclectic collection of supplies she had thrown together in her haste. If she was planning to have any sort of civilized life, she would need better supplies. A blue scarf was tied around her head. Her blonde hair set her apart from the island natives and made her far to recognisable. That would have to do until she could see what she was doing. At night the only flickering lights came from candles in windows, and those were few and far between.

Annabelle headed down to the oceanfront, salt breeze and years of running down to the town guiding her through the dark. Once she was in town proper and had a few more lights to go by, she walked straight to a tavern she knew would be full of people. If she was on her own, she might as well have a job. Her father had ensured that she never had to work a day in her life, but now she had to earn her own keep.

Entering the tavern was like taking a long drink of hot chocolate after coming in from the cold. The atmosphere was infectious, and the light and laughter made her smile and put a bounce in her step. She slipped through the tightly packed people, avoiding the drunkest and rankest, up to the bar and ordered a pint; she had never tried it before because no one would sell a drink to a lord’s daughter. The barkeeper didn't give her a second glance, slamming down the tankard and taking the coins she offered in return. She took her first taste, and was pleasantly surprised. It was bitter, but had a funny musty taste that she enjoyed. After a few sips, her nose began to feel tingly. She stopped. Being alone, she had to keep her wits about her. Annabelle watched the patrons of the tavern quietly. They were a rowdy lot, mainly sailors having fun on their night off. Most were congregated at the main card tables, many missing extremities. As unsavory as they might seem, Annabelle wasn't frightened. She had been around these people her whole life. They were loud and raucous, but they were more trustworthy than the people who lived and worked in her house. At least with sailors, you always knew where you stood.

Rascal, her tabby cat, sat at her feet, preoccupied with the mice and rats that seemed to follow the sailors everywhere. He stayed loyally by her side, but his twitching tail and wiggling hind quarters betrayed his true desires. Annabelle picked him up, placing him on her lap where he settled with a happy purr. It was then that she felt the eyes on the back of her neck. When she turned around, Annabelle found a group of three men sitting apart from the rest of the company, all staring at her with frightening grins on their faces. When they noticed her returned gaze, the biggest member of the group crossed the rough wooden floor and sat next to her. Annabelle tried to scoot her stool away, but the other men flanked her, giving her no safe escape route.

"What would a pretty young girl like you be doing in a nasty place such as this?" he asked. His voice didn't seem to go with his body, it was smooth and oily, in stark contrast with his thick biceps, tattooed face and scraggily beard.

"Just passing through," Annabelle replied, trying to sound as confident as possible. "I'm used to accommodations such as these."

"Ah but you see, your face and hands say otherwise," the man smiled "You've never had to do any kind of work, dearie. I think you should come and stay with me and my friends, I promise we have much better rooms than any you'd find here."

"You're very kind, sir," she said, unable to keep some of the anxiety out of her voice, "but these rooms are pleasant enough. I'm sure I'll be perfectly comfortable."

"But I disagree," the man said, snarling. Annabelle saw a flash of silver, but before she could react, she felt the knife pressed against her stomach. "Now we are going to walk out of here nice and quiet, or I'll spill your innards all over this lovely little inn, and what a mess that would make."

Annabelle's blood turned to ice. Automatically, she picked up her pack, shooed Rascal off her lap and let the man and his friends lead her out of the tavern. She gave one desperate glace back over her shoulder as the door swung shut, praying that someone would look up and save her, but her hopes were dashed as the last crack of light faded and no one came to her rescue. They pulled her down side streets and alleys, down toward the water.

"So now we have a more private atmosphere, what's your name?" the man holding the knife asked.

"Bella," she replied, giving a childhood nickname, "My name's Bella. Where are you taking me?"

"Oh don't worry dearie, you'll find out soon enough," he said, and his companions chuckled in a menacing way. As they turned off the last side street and rounded the corner to the docks, Annabelle saw where they were leading her, and her stomach sank. The men began hauling her towards the ship on the farthest end of the dock, a medium-sized vessel with a shallow hull, used for avoiding navy patrols on shallow waters. Annabelle knew who these men were now. Slave traders, who would kidnap ignorant girls such as herself and sell them for tidy profits to rich lords and merchants. She started kicking and struggling, only to be punched in the stomach. She doubled over, only held up by the men's hands on her arms.

"Don't damage the merchandise," the man in charge, growled "You'll have plenty of time to break her spirit. Its a month's journey to where we're headed."

Annabelle coughed, trying to clear the knot of pain from her stomach. She twisted around desperately, and that’s when she saw the shadow darting from one dark corner to another. It wasn't a large shadow, but it was there. Annabelle felt hope jump back into her chest.

"Help!" she called out, her voice sounding weak and pathetic in the inky night.

"I said shut up!" the man in charge said, slapping her across the face and letting her sprawl across the street. It was the exact reaction Annabelle was hoping for. Her arms were free, and she bargined that the shadow was friend rather than foe. In one fluid motion, Annabelle vaulted to her feet and pulled her dagger, stabbing one man in the stomach. The shadow was in motion too, leaping on the back of the other thug, leaving the man in charge for Annabelle.

He circled her warily, taking her as a more serious threat now she had a dagger in hand. He wielded a cruel curved weapon, with a blade nearly three feet long. Annabelle smiled. It was an impressive looking piece of steel, but fairly useless when fighting in close quarters and cramped spaces. She began backing into the alley, hoping to lure him into an area where he couldn't swing his blade without encountering a stone wall. He took her bait, matching her retreating steps with his advancing ones, until he was a few feet into the narrow space.

"Stop running and stand and fight me like a man," he hissed, his voice had lost its false flattery and charm.

"Oh, because fighting like a man worked so well for your two friends," she laughed in his face, her fear replaced with adrenaline. Somewhere in the back of her brain she recognized that she was taunting a man 75 pounds heavier than her and more versed in fighting, but the battle rush bursting through her veins quashed the voices with defiant laughter. "Its just dancing," she thought over and over, "I can't be afraid, its just a dance."

She watched her partners movements closely. He was strong, but he was impatient and rough, not balanced in the slightest. Before he could realize what was happening, she dropped to the floor and kicked his weight bearing knee. He tried to deliver a great arcing blow as he was falling to the ground, but the blade simply bit into the wall. He was on his back, unarmed, with her dagger point at his throat before he could count to ten, if he could even count that high.

"Now dearie," she said with a smile, "lets find you some more pleasant quarters. How about a jail cell? I believe hanging is the punishment for kidnap here, isn't it?"

"Very well fought," the female voice startled Annabelle, "creative and intelligent. Rhea.” She thrust out a callused hand for Annabelle to shake. “These men have been kidnapping young girls all throughout the islands, and you gave me the perfect moment to exact justice. He's a wanted man too. But his ship is what I'm after. His ship and his cargo, that is.”

"I'm glad I could be of service," Annabelle said cautiously "I'm Bella. New name for a new life."

"Pleasure to make your acquaintance, Bella," she said, helping her to her feet while keeping her sword point at the ringleader’s throat. "How about you and I leave this bastard to the authorities and go take care of his crew?"

“Sounds better than getting a job as a tavern wench,” Bella replied, wiping her bloody dagger on her shirt. Rhea laughed and unwound a length of rope from her belt. She tied the mans hands and feet, patting him down and relieving him of his small money purse and weapons. Bella and Rhea left the man hanging by his wrists at the town gallows with his two friends underneath him.

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Thu Feb 19, 2015 8:34 pm

steampowered wrote a review...

Hello, steampowered here for a review!

First of all, I'm just a little confused - is this an adventure story set in the past (in which case it should probably have an historical tag) or an adventure story set in a fantasy world (in which case it should probably have a fantasy tag)? Why not do a little world-building here? If it's historical fiction, why not make some reference to the place or time period - if it's fantasy, maybe a glimpse into the culture or something that might set it apart from the real world?

While your writing itself is good, and you've obviously got a good grasp for formatting, correct grammar etc., I feel like your storytelling style could be smoother:

The barkeeper didn't give her a second glance, slamming down the tankard and taking the coins she offered in return. She took her first taste, and was pleasantly surprised. It was bitter, but had a funny musty taste that she enjoyed. After a few sips, her nose began to feel tingly. She stopped. Being alone, she had to keep her wits about her.

You use a lot of short simple sentences, and it makes the story read quite jerkily. Why not make it flow a little more smoothly by joining up some of these sentences, for example:

The barkeeper didn't give her a second glance, slamming down the tankard and taking the coins she offered in return. She took her first taste, and was pleasantly surprised - it was bitter, but had a funny musty taste that she enjoyed. After a few sips, her nose began to feel tingly, and she stopped. Being alone, she had to keep her wits about her.

Also, I think you could probably end this particular paragraph after "Being alone, she had to keep her wits about her." The bit where Annabelle is watching the people in the tavern is a whole new action, and the paragraph is quite long anyway, so I would personally cut the paragraph here.

Other things I noticed:

Stopping just off the road, she pulled out her dagger from under her improvised belt and started cutting off her long blonde locks.

I personally feel that cutting her hair is quite a momentuous decision - I would probably expand it a little and maybe give some insight into how she feels about this - reluctant? Unhappy? Relieved? Is there something symbolic about cutting off her hair - by doing it, does she feel like she's cutting off her last ties to her old life?

Her blonde hair set her apart from the island natives and made her far to recognisable.

Too, not to.

Once she was in town proper and had a few more lights to go by

Woah, grammar! What does "in town proper" mean? Do you mean, "properly in the town"?

Once she was in town proper and had a few more lights to go by, she walked straight to a tavern she knew would be full of people

So she's well-known in the tiny little port, and she's walking straight into a place full of people who could potentially recognise her? Maybe you could give more of a clue as to her motives for this?

Rascal, her tabby cat, sat at her feet, preoccupied with the mice and rats that seemed to follow the sailors everywhere.

This is really minor and purely my opinion, but you don't need to say he's her tabby cat. We can tell he's a cat from what he does later. Simply saying "Rascal sat at her feet" would probably be enough.

it was smooth and oily, in stark contrast with his thick biceps, tattooed face and scraggily beard.

Scraggily beard? Do you mean "scraggy" beard?

Annabelle's blood turned to ice. Automatically, she picked up her pack, shooed Rascal off her lap and let the man and his friends lead her out of the tavern. She gave one desperate glace back over her shoulder as the door swung shut, praying that someone would look up and save her, but her hopes were dashed as the last crack of light faded and no one came to her rescue. They pulled her down side streets and alleys, down toward the water.

Hmm, she seems quite calm considering she's being kidnapped.

Slave traders, who would kidnap ignorant girls such as herself and sell them for tidy profits to rich lords and merchants.

These slave traders can tell she's from a wealthy family - is it really wise for them to risk kidnapping her? Just a thought - maybe she's worth more because of it or something?

"Stop running and stand and fight me like a man," he hissed, his voice had lost its false flattery and charm.

This is ridiculously minor, but semi-colon (;) not a comma, between hissed and his.

Somewhere in the back of her brain she recognized that she was taunting a man 75 pounds heavier than her and more versed in fighting, but the battle rush bursting through her veins quashed the voices with defiant laughter.

75 pounds should really be written out as a word.

“Sounds better than getting a job as a tavern wench,” Bella replied, wiping her bloody dagger on her shirt. Rhea laughed and unwound a length of rope from her belt. She tied the mans hands and feet, patting him down and relieving him of his small money purse and weapons. Bella and Rhea left the man hanging by his wrists at the town gallows with his two friends underneath him.

Well... er... this is a quick way of doing things. Maybe expand it a bit?

Overall, this was a great start, and please don't be discouraged by my feedback - I really did enjoy reading it! Keep writing!

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Mon Feb 16, 2015 6:25 pm

Pretzelstick wrote a review...

Heya pretzelsing here for a review,

So today is my catch up day on my novels that I am following and I noticed that I reviewed your Chapter 2 but not the first one. Let's jump right in!

Here is what I think that you need to add:

Stopping just off the road, she pulled out her dagger from under her improvised belt and started cutting off her long blonde locks.

Show some emotion, how would you feel if they cut your long beautiful hair. I would feel sad and regretful and I would miss the long length of my hair.Maybe break up the paragraph and italicize and show Annabelle's thoughts!

This sentence just doesn't make that much sense to me personally:

Annabelle headed down to the oceanfront,.salt breeze and years of running down to the town guiding her through the dark.

For me this seems like two separate sentences and the second part doesn't flow well.I would put a period after oceanfront and before salt.I don't understand how the salt breeze helped her exactly?:? Maybe you could tell us something like:

"She had ran through here so many times in her life, every time that she took a walk or went to the store.She knew how to navigate this trail even in the dark." That is just a suggestion so you can give or take.

This is also very fast-paced at action filled and I liked it, but it is hard to keep up with this at times. She runs away from home, changes her identity, gets captured by slave traders, kill the slave traders except the main one, and gets the reward money in one chapter? :shock:

Whoa

slow down girl and hold on the your writing horse's reigns.

Take a look at this sentence:

Her arms were free, and she bargined that the shadow was friend rather than foe.

Her whole life was depending on it and she was taking a chance, bargained and hoping for. That won't save her and this is kind of unrealistic approach because she doesn't know for sure that this is friend or foe until she sees Rhea killing one of the men.So I would just say that she took a chance or something like that.

Take a look at this quote:

Somewhere in the back of her brain she recognized that she was taunting a man 75 pounds heavier than her and more versed in fighting,.~~but~~ the battle rush bursting through her veins quashed the voices with defiant laughter.

This is a long and confusing sentence and I will try to work it out for you.Okay so she just realized what kind of opponent she is fighting against? :shock:

For me this is a little bit almost too late to describe and just realize this. Anyways, that is a writer's decision.

Write out the word seventy-five. Also the phrase: "somewhere in the back of her brain" is very cliche and I wouldn't use that in your writing. Just maybe say: " She realized" or "A thought entered her mind"(ooh I like that description

).

I think that you meant "squashed" instead or "quasted"

I think that was just a typo. Also who had the defiant laughter, the slave trader? Bella? A voice inside her head? I was really confused on that part

Your last sentence could have been better and more of a cliff-hanger. I would write something like: "Then, Rhea and Bella headed over to the ship where they found..."
That was just an idea of mine. I truly hope that this review helps and I encourage you to keep on writing!

Points: 3733
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Thu Jan 15, 2015 10:44 pm

Noelle wrote a review...

Hi there!

I have to say, I quite enjoyed reading this. I'm a sucker for anything adventure related and your novel definitely fits the bill. Pirates and fighting are always a plus too. I'm very excited to read more when you post it

First off, I want to start with your characters. There really aren't a lot of them right now, which is to be expected. It's only the first chapter. Bella is definitely an interesting character. She fits right in with the typical feminine hero that is oh so popular as of later. Which is great! Girl power! Anyway, she's tough, but also has that soft side to her. She knows how to take care of herself and is always thinking on her feet. If she couldn't, there's no way she would've gotten away from those men. What I feel like she's missing though, is backstory. She ran away from home. Why? Did she just feel terrible there? Was she being abused? Was she being forced into an arranged marriage? A backstory is very important here, especially since she ran away. I'm sure you're familiar with the fight or flight reaction that everyone has. That's what Bella is showcasing here. Instead of staying and fighting, she took flight and ran. It's important for us to know what she's running from because it'll give us a good look into her personality. If sh ran once, who's to say she won't run again when put in the same type of situation?

Can we talk about the cat too? I really like the idea of the cat being with her right now. It might cause some problems later on in the story, (because, really how far can a cat go with her?) but as of now I think it's sweet. It really gives us some insight into her life. She runs away from home, but the cat loves her so much that he just has to follow her. I do have to agree with the other reviewers though. He does seem to come out of nowhere. It's like she's just sitting there and then boom, cat appears. If you're going to have the cat there, introduce him in the very beginning. Maybe have her be holding him and then put him down while she cuts her hair or something. Like I said, I think the cat can work. You just have to really remind us that the cat is there.

I was a little skeptical when the man just dragged Bella out of the tavern without anyone stopping him. I mean, sure, he's been kidnapping girls for a while. He's probably good at it. But with his entire posse coming with him to talk to her and then having a knife out. Wouldn't at least someone have seen that? What about the guy making the drinks? He was standing right there next to them seeing as Bella was sitting at the bar. You also described earlier that the tavern was packed full of people. The man wouldn't have gotten away with the kidnapping with that many people around. Despite his less than perfect kidnapping plan, I think the man is a great villain. He just goes in, talks her up, threatens her, then kidnaps her. In, out, get the job done, no funny business. The way you wrote him is great.

Now onto Rhea. I think she's the coolest character. I mean, she just hid in the shadows, waiting for a time to help Bella. She had faith that Bella knew what she was doing and only jumped into action when Bella did. That small detail really shows her true character. She wanted to attack, but she was willing to let someone else get revenge first before jumping in. I really look forward to seeing you develop her in future chapters. She's a pretty solid character at the moment, that no nonsense girl that comes in and takes what she wants, but I have a feeling there's more to her story than just wanting this man's ship.

(not sure why I went all character analysis on you right there, but it happened :3)

This is a great start to the story. You've got the characters, you've got the world, and you've got the problem. Obviously Bella is not just going to end up walking away and not becoming part of whatever it is Rhea does. Not to mention, Bella has just run away from home. Whatever she ran from, I'm sure that she'll want to work hard to stay away from it. Since it's mentioned also that she's well known in the area, I'm assuming keeping her identity a secret will also be important.

Speaking of her appearance, I think she flies under the radar a bit too easily. If she's rather well known, wouldn't people recognize her face as well? Maybe she would try harder to make herself look different. But that's up to you, really. Well, all of this is up to you in the end seeing as it's your novel :3 I just think she'd end up getting recognized too easily.

"I'm glad I could be of service," Annabelle said cautiously "I'm Bella. New name for a new life."

Nooooo! Why did she say that? Now Rhea will forever be wondering what kind of life Bella left behind. Bella, why couldn't you have just introduced yourself and moved on? I feel like Rhea is definitely going to get much too curious for her own good and this will bite Bella in the butt.

I can't wait to learn more about the pirates and this port city you've introduced to us. It seems like a huge part of the story, especially since Rhea mentions pirates kidnap girls a lot. Obviously, not all of that is going to be shared in the first chapter, but it's important information. Make sure to really describe this world to us as we read on. You pull us in with enough information to satisfy our curiosity in this chapter, but we'll be curious for more later.

I feel like there's more I want to say, but I'll leave it for your next chapter. I want to see what kind of life Bella is going to end up living first. This is very promising and I'm looking forward to reading more! Let me know when you post the next chapter

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

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Tue Jan 13, 2015 2:27 am

JumpyDot wrote a review...

ehobby says...

Thank you so much. Reviews are like crack to me, and since this is my first novel I'm really giving the time of day, I'm pretty new to the story telling game. You guys make me so excited about writing and improving!

JumpyDot says...

Thank you. I'm glad you found my review helpful. <3

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Tue Jan 13, 2015 12:45 am

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Masquerade wrote a review...

Hi, ehobby. I'm Masq, and I shall be reviewing your chapter today.

Well, I like the premise of the story so far. I love pirate/adventure stories, and what you had here piqued my interest. There's a few things I think this chapter could have used to improve, though.

First, I think it really needs more detail and description! A lot happened here, and it's really not that long of a chapter. I think the biggest thing you could do to help this piece blossom is to embellish and expand it more. I want to hear more about what the tavern was like, what it smelled like, what the kidnappers were wearing. More sensory details besides sight would be great. I also wasn't sure what the setting around her at the beginning looked like, so I was imagining her standing in a road in the middle of nowhere. Adding description would also help keep it from feeling rushed, which parts of it did feel.

Second, I would have liked a little more emotion from Bella. You gave a few lines that would describe how she felt, but you didn't really show how she felt quite as much. It wasn't a major problem, but I think it could be improved. It would also help with her characterization. She seemed almost too fearless when fighting the kidnappers, what with her taunting and everything. I just didn't feel much fear or anxiety from her, which felt unrealistic.

There were also a spots that were a bit confusing for me to picture. The cat and the woman, mainly. Both of them seemed to appear out of nowhere. You never described the woman, she just sort of appeared and shook Bella's hand after the fight. The cat didn't even exist until it suddenly appeared at Bella's feet in the tavern.

Lastly, I'm a bit uncertain about how old Bella is. At first I was imagining her as a young teenager, but then some of her actions seemed like something someone a few years older would do. Maybe find some way of slipping in her age or some hints to her age?

I hope you expand on what you've got, and continue writing this. It sounds like it could be a really fun, exciting story.

ehobby says...

Thanks! Yeah, I banged it out in a hurry and tend to slip on details. I will definitely embellish. I also seem to create ellaberate backstories in my head, so frequently I forget I haven't introduced charaters. Thanks so much for the review!

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The Perfect Lady- Chapter 1

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