Some questions are best answered by Silence.
—Old Solian Proverb
Kael Morcant descended the centuries-old staircase beneath the palace, one hand gliding along the damp, iron railing. His father had once held it, and his father before him, all the way back to the Dooming Pause. Most people called it the Lock now. Not Kael, though, nor any other Morcant. They called it what it had always been—and what it would remain for centuries more: Dooming.
A guard awaited Kael at the end of the staircase, holding a lantern, the same rustic oil lantern featured on the Morcant family crest.
“My lord,” said the guard, bowing his head. He was young, disciplined and still had a full head of hair—which Kael quietly envied. Clearly, however, he had not yet learned the rule about speaking only when spoken to.
Kael didn’t respond; instead, he continued to pace.
The young guard walked Kael down the long corridor. Water dripped slowly somewhere in the dark. Overgrown vines and neglected cobwebs covered the cut-stone walls, and a few rats scampered along the basalt floor. The rats must have come with last month’s shipment; they would not last long in Nytherra. The young man stumbled over a thick, ropey vine obscured by the darkness. He apologized profusely, but Kael paid no mind.
The guard only led Kael as far as the large steel door at the corridor’s end. Kael took the heavy metal ring and knocked once—then again before opening the clunky door, leaving the guard alone outside. The hidden chamber had not been cleaned in centuries—rightfully so. Only the head of House Morcant ever entered it, and no Morcant would stoop to cleaning a dust-laden room no larger than a peasant’s closet.
On the ground sat a wooden crate. Real wood, as always. Nothing like it could be produced in Nytherra, unless by artifice. He opened the crate, taking off the lid. Inside lay edible greenery—impossible things, in Nytherra. He smiled to himself, then tossed a hefty velvet pouch from inside his coat onto the nearby table – terribly worn and rotting from its centuries of inattention. Across from the door he had entered stood another, identical in steel, shape and size. Kael had tried many times to pry it open. It never gave. The pouch contained the usual payment: diamonds, gold, jewelry. Nytherra was rich in minerals, so why not trade what it had in abundance?
His father had taught him what to leave on the third Friday of every month. Soon, Kael would enlighten the next Morcant head, one of his sons.
He pushed the crate outside, making sure to hide the goods with its lid. The guard securely tied a rope around it and dragged it back to the surface while Kael followed. The guard had some difficulty lugging it up the stairs, but no matter; Kael would get what he wanted. He always did. A guard was always brought along for the monthly trip. A Morcant did not drag crates himself. Afterward, the guard was disposed of. To keep the peace. One life a month, twelve a year—meant nothing to Kael.
They arrived back in the palace dungeons, deep underground, where the secret entrance for the Morcants’ trading place was. Kael drew his jeweled sword, passed down from generation to generation, and drove the blade into the young man’s chest while he knelt unprepared, busy untying the rope. It was done quickly. Kael disliked wasting time. Kael had failed, again, to account for the screaming. Next month, he decided, he would take the new guard’s head instead—messier, but quieter.
A pity. Kael thought to himself as he spotted the wedding band on the dead man’s finger. The silver had not yet gathered a single graze. Someone would have to tell his wife that her newlywed had slipped from a cliff. There would be no body to find. Kael would see to that himself.
Truly, a pity.
End of chapter
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Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the daunting S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Kael goes into an attic and takes out a leather pouch with all sorts of glittering treasures. Then, he kills a guard and leaves the treasures as some sort of sacrifice…strange indeed.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, you may.
Chocolate Bar - I like the way you describe the whole ordeal with details that something shady is going on but it is not quite revealed, it makes it feel all the more frightening. And how Kael and Slenderman have something in common: Being bald and torturing people who have hair. I’m just kidding lol. But the way you describe the guard’s death is sad because Kael just sees him as a number and not as a person. :<
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, quite an intriguing prologue! I’ll be certain to read more of the story when it’s posted. I have enjoyed reading this and…
I wish you a magical day/night! ^v^
Hello! I noticed this work in the Green Room, so I decided to leave a review. I wanted to get back into fantasy for a while and the premise looked super intriguing. I've never read romantasy, so I'm eager to see how I'll like this.
So far, I like the worldbuilding and characterization. Learning about these locations and Kael's place in the world is really interesting. I'm hesitant to call him the main character because this is the prologue, but I'm curious what his end goal is.
I like this choice to not dwell on the details of the killing. It's an effective way to show how unfeeling Kael is toward other people. Really makes me dislike him, so I'm excited to see what his place in the story is.
This is a great start to the novel. Natural worldbuilding, strong characterization. I'm excited to read the next chapter!
Hello ehawthorne! It's gruzinkerbell, here to leave a review! Let's dive in:
D
I am SO EXCITED to see a fellow romantasy author on here! It's very rare to see people in this genre on YWS, and I hope to support your novel
The Good Stuff
- So far, the worldbuilding is quite interesting! It reminds me a bit of the Unsea/Fold is Shadow and Bone.
- HELP :'). I often find that in romantasy novels, authors forget humor in place of trauma dumping or just backstory/lore. I'm very glad you didn't.
- Again, the worldbuilding near the end is phenomenal. You don't info-dump on us, but instead give hints about how the kingdom (I'm assuming a kingdom), has little to no access to natural resources (such as wood), and the House of Morcant is a powerful player in this place.
Glad to know that (most likely) Kael is not our love interest ( would hope the love interest isn't bald). I'm assuming this is a prologue, then? I'm very excited for the rest of the story!
- Amazing characterization! Who knew Kael would be an evil guy.
- I love Kael's name.
- THIS ENDING WHAT ON EARTH. What a twist! I love it! (not the murder, but very interesting
Room For Improvement
- In this paragraph, the sentence patterns all end in a period. It makes it sound a little flat, as if I'm reading a list. In the quote I've shown above, I would suggest changing the first period to a semicolon to add a bit of 𓏲 ๋࣭ ࣪ ˖ reading variety 𓏲 ๋࣭ ࣪ ˖ .
- For grammar purposes, use 'as' instead of 'so. I'm not entirely sure how to elaborate, but think of it this way: 'So far' sounds a bit more like trying to show progress. 'As far' sounds more directional, it gives a point of reference in terms of the fact that they *could* go farther.
- make sure not to start a sentence with 'then'- use a dash instead (like I just did!). I would also do this later in the paragraph, with 'rightfully so'. Or maybe break it off to create Kael's thought? It's okay where it is, but adding a different seperation could make it even better!
I'd suggest breaking this off into a different paragraph. It doesn't tie into the paragraph it's in (which is more descriptive) as nicely.
- I would consider myself a bit of an expert on Romantasy. I've been reading them since middle school, and let me tell you- this checks every single box. Evil lord? Check. Murderous plot twist? Yes. Slightly dystopian society that's been intertwined with magic? Check! I loved this so much, and I'm excited to see more of your writing <3
Happy writing, and have a blessed day!
gruzinkerbell
had to reenter my review as a review
Tysm for the tips! I’m a huge fan of romantasy too. And yeah, don’t worry, he’s not the love interest lol.