A girl twists and ducks and
Twirls through a field
Cloaked in suncatching sunflowers
Sunbathing in spinning and singing and
Joy and youth
Weaving wind around
Green stalks and yellow faces and
Pitching dancing breezes over
Treetops
Weaving wind around
The bottoms of clouds
To push and swing and catch
Her golden dress near the
Most delicate part of
Her ankles.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
I really love this. It's one of those poems where you just get such a strong, clear image in your head. The only thing I would comment on would be the punctuation. Since it appears you don't have punctuation for almost the entire piece, I would suggest just dropping out the few commas you have altogether. I noticed a couple other spots where you could've put commas in to help the flow a bit, too, so either adding punctuation or dropping it out completely I think would help to benefit this piece. Otherwise, I really do like this a lot. Keep writing!
I've changed the last one to "golden". The first three were intentional. I could easily put synonyms there, but I think I established a cool rhythm by using three different words that start with the same syllable.
This has a really pretty mental image; I love happy poetry. ^_^ On the other hand, I think you use the word "sun" too much, because even though it sounds pretty when it's used it's just used too many times. This really is pretty, though, and I don't think you should do too much to change it.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver