Published October 9, 2011
A girl twists and ducks and
Twirls through a field
Cloaked in suncatching sunflowers
Sunbathing in spinning and singing and
Joy and youth
Weaving wind around
Green stalks and yellow faces and
Pitching dancing breezes over
Treetops
Weaving wind around
The bottoms of clouds
To push and swing and catch
Her golden dress near the
Most delicate part of
Her ankles.
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,516 Reviews
I really love this. It's one of those poems where you just get such a strong, clear image in your head. The only thing I would comment on would be the punctuation. Since it appears you don't have punctuation for almost the entire piece, I would suggest just dropping out the few commas you have altogether. I noticed a couple other spots where you could've put commas in to help the flow a bit, too, so either adding punctuation or dropping it out completely I think would help to benefit this piece. Otherwise, I really do like this a lot. Keep writing!
I've changed the last one to "golden". The first three were intentional. I could easily put synonyms there, but I think I established a cool rhythm by using three different words that start with the same syllable.
This has a really pretty mental image; I love happy poetry. ^_^ On the other hand, I think you use the word "sun" too much, because even though it sounds pretty when it's used it's just used too many times. This really is pretty, though, and I don't think you should do too much to change it.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver