It kills me inside knowing,
All that he is
And feeling, how none of it belongs to me.
His head rests
Not against me heart,
Though I wish it to be so.
His dreams lean on another girl
Somewhere, far off, he has yet to meet her.
His mind dances against another road
Drifting and swaying, onto thoughts of her
If only I could redirect them, and steal their paths way.
An armslength away, I can almost touch him
But his heart is cold when it's feel, drifts to me.
His soul,
Is for her.
But he doesn’t know, that really she is me,
I’m here and I’m real, She’s merely someone I’ve created.
I can make him love her, but not me.
She’s a fake, Made up, Shes all dramas,
I’m the one he’s really wanting
I the one whom through anothers eyes, he can truely see.
Yet who I am...Is just not quite enough for him to love, If I be me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
The rhythm irked me a little, especially since the second and third stanzas were verbose compared to the first one. Try adjusting your sentence lengths and the beat of the poem. I like the concept, but it feels like this needs to be a tiny bit more figurative, to put more oomph into it.
It took me a while to figure out what the poem was saying but once I got it I thought it was a great idea expressed in a creative way. I take it the narrator is putting on an act to get the attention of a boy, but she really wants to be comfortable being herself around him? It's a very powerful and thoughtful poem.
Edits/Comments/Suggestions in red