on our last day we walked along the lake shore until our clothes were soaked and heavy with rain. he kept apologizing to me for the weather, the sad-coloured clouds and for the hair that clung to my cheeks. each time he tried to wipe a strand away, I let my head hang over my shoulders until the wet tentacles of hair fell back over my eyes. with that, he seemed displeased, but I just couldn't bring myself to speak. there was nothing to be said, and even just a passing glance to look him in the eye would be saying far too much. so instead we continued on in silence, until the weight of the downpour became too much for our shoulders to bear.
when it was time to leave we stood there in the rain, and by the expression on his face I could tell that, had I asked, he would have carried me home. he looked as if he were about to cry, as if he finally accepted that my heart belonged to someone else and perhaps this wasn't just a goodbye before he left for the marines. it was far more permanent than that. and with that overwhelming sense of finality I couldn't even bear to bring my eyes up from my feet. I imagined myself being somewhere else, far away from everyone and everything, beyond the realm of existence. I wanted to close my eyes and vanish completely.
he has always been so predictable to me, and this is exactly why I didn't even want to look at him-- because when he asked if maybe I could see him again, I hesitated, and before I could make up for the silence he kissed me. he kissed me and then he turned around and disappeared through his front door without another word. that was the last day I saw him and the first time I ever felt his lips.
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139,711 Literary Works • 672,659 Reviews
Earendilly!
So, I like this really short short.
Why the no capitalization? Curious.
I like this, but somehow it leaves me wanting more. As in not as much in quantity as the feel of something strong and punchy. Even if it is a sad acceptance.
I did not understand whether the kiss was expected/predictable? I couldn't discern it. Is that the intention?
But in all, I want to feel the emotions - even if they are empty. It felt lacking and I know it can be better.
Keep writing.
First thing, which is VERY important, start each paragraph with a CAPITAL letter.
The story is good, it's pretty well flown. But your lack of punctuation makes the whole chunk pretty hard to read, it's like trying to read it all in shot and take in again, because in the mind of the reader, we only pause mid sentence only when there's a comma.
I get the feeling of the character, it's dramatic, and clear. Your description is the plus point of this. Even if your characters don't have names as of yet, it would be good if you added some dialogue. Dialogue does help to portray certain characters too. Rather than just relying on words, speech is a good form for you to tell your readers how your characters act, their attitude and such.
Hope my review helped! I know it's quite a lot so my apologies!
Hey there
I really like this - it's a simple and as Raelyn said, I think it has a lot of potential. It might be a great part of some sort of a short story or a novel. My liking is mostly based on sentences such as: ''and with that overwhelming sense of finality I couldn't even bear to bring my eyes up from my feet.'' and ''there was nothing to be said, and even just a passing glance to look him in the eye would be saying far too much. '' They're so lovely.
Although I cannot ignore that the beginnings of sentences should be in capital letters.
Great job,
Keep writing
Klara
This was a good short story with a lot of potential!
I really liked your idea here, and the characters have a whole lot more that you could carry on with. If you wanted to make it a novel you probably could, or a short story if you wanted. It was very fascinating and I liked the idea of the breakup or whatever it was they were going through because most stories don't tell about that part.
I have a few questions about the story: Who else does her (I'm assuming it's a girl, sorry if I'm wrong) heart belong to? And did she tell the boy that she didn't love him or did he just figure it out? Were they friends? How did they meet?
I could probably think of a couple more, but I have a feeling that you would have answered these questions had you been planning on writing a novel or a short story. It would be nice if the characters had at least a little bit of background to them so that we could relate more to this piece though.
Little Nitpicks I found:
You didn't capitalize the beginnings of your sentences. It makes it kind of hard to read and distracts from your good writing skills
You said "I couldn't even bear to bring my eyes up from my feet" which I, personally, think would be better if you took out the "even." but that's just personal preference.
Great writing!
-Raelyn