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Democracy

by dyingmoon


Democracy
‘Let the fight begin’ the leaders cry
‘For a better nation for Australians to live in!’
There are tears of relief as a man is sentenced to the ward
They can rest with knowing they are safe
From the monster they created with their words
The terror updates tell of the latest bombing in the Middle East
The latest cries of anguish, but don’t fear the nation can fix it
Crimes against our nation are bigger than none other
It takes 500 dead Russian children for a headline
100 burials of the ones in Afghanistan
Maybe 60 women for Iraq
But 4 Americans equal an hour special
2 Australians will get a tribute
Nationality is worth more than innocent lives
‘Today we grieve’ fly with us, cheap! sale on now,
vote labour, looking for a job? Buy here
A mother cries for a dead son,
A brother weeps for a sister
A wife for her lost husband
‘We cannot allow this to continue!
These unjust crimes will not stand in our nation’
Neither will they without their money and votes
‘It is through the fault of…’ humanity?
Don’t cry children, this is a democracy.

I don't know, might be a bit dodgy :oops: , this is the first time i have posted any work or the net, so i started with something easy


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Sat May 17, 2008 10:10 pm
jenni321 says...



It's teetering on the edge of sloppy! careful! interesting topic, i've never been one for politics. maybe u should edit it more!




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Mon Jan 03, 2005 3:50 am
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bubblewrapped wrote a review...



Well, coming after that post by Incandescence I suppose anything I say is going to look kindly by comparison, lol. Just remember this is only my opinion! Anyway. This has a strong concept and definitely a lot of thought behind it, but the poem itself needs a lot of work.

‘Let the fight begin’ the leaders cry
‘For a better nation for Australians to live in!’


An engaging beginning, but it has no rhythm. Repeating "for" makes it read awkwardly and the meaning behind the lines is lost. Shorten the second line quite a bit and read aloud, it might help with the flow.

There are tears of relief as a man is sentenced to the ward
They can rest with knowing they are safe
From the monster they created with their words


It sounds like you're referring to something specific here. A good beginning, but you dont follow through so the reader is left wondering what you were talking about exactly, and why you brought it up. Also, you really need to watch your rhythm, the flow is very disjointed (in my opinion, anyway).

The terror updates tell of the latest bombing in the Middle East
The latest cries of anguish, but don’t fear the nation can fix it


As Incandescent said, kind of sloppy here. You need to shorten your lines- unless you are using a specific style that requires long lines (i.e. stream-of-consciousness type stuff) its best to keep your lines short so that rhythm has a chance to develop. Dont repeat "latest" here, it doesnt work.

Crimes against our nation are bigger than none other
It takes 500 dead Russian children for a headline
100 burials of the ones in Afghanistan
Maybe 60 women for Iraq
But 4 Americans equal an hour special
2 Australians will get a tribute
Nationality is worth more than innocent lives


I really like this section. The comparison is well done and there is a rhythm coming through at last (I sound obsessed dont I?). However, it is rather isolated, i.e. it doesnt seem to follow logically from the previous part nor does it lead on to "'Today we grieve'".

‘Today we grieve’ fly with us, cheap! sale on now,
vote labour, looking for a job? Buy here


This makes no sense. I would cut it out completely.

A mother cries for a dead son,
A brother weeps for a sister
A wife for her lost husband
‘We cannot allow this to continue!
These unjust crimes will not stand in our nation’


This bit is OK. Still no rhythm though.

Neither will they without their money and votes
‘It is through the fault of…’ humanity?
Don’t cry children, this is a democracy.


Again, sloppy. I like the last line but the second to last is very awkward and the third to last is confusing. Watch your grammar and syntax!

All in all I liked the sentiment but the execution left something to be desired.




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Sun Jan 02, 2005 12:07 pm
Incandescence wrote a review...



This is weakly and sloppily construed. As a politically engaged piece, it was terrible. However, having slapped you in the face, I commend you for believing in something strong enough to write about it. The poem itself has some, well, not facts, but usually true gists. The 500 Russians to 4 Americans comparison is very good. Keep in mind, however, that most news networks are located in "Western Civilization" and will inherently be ethnocentric, no matter what.




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Sat Jan 01, 2005 6:14 am
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dyingmoon says...



thankyou! i mean no disrespect, but often we'll hear about about tragedies in western world countries than the mishappenings in less fortunate countries, sometimes when the loss is even greater than that of a western country. it just doesn't seem fair that nationality is more important than a human life. sometimes i feel that is indeed the case. say if the destruction in asia with the tidal wave (my heart goes out to you), occured instead in the US, we'd have 24 hour tv coverage on it. but shouldn't the lives that were lost be of same importance dispite nationality?
i'm usually not that political. i don't like politics, i really couldn't care in many cases who runs what. they're so similar, at least in australia.




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Wed Dec 29, 2004 4:03 pm
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Matt Bellamy wrote a review...



I'm not much of a political person, I must admit I don't take half as much interest in the news as I probably should, but I caught the gist of this, and I liked what I got. Particularly "It takes 500 dead Russian children for a headline/100 burials of the ones in Afghanistan/Maybe 60 women for Iraq/But 4 Americans equal an hour special/2 Australians will get a tribute"... Anyway, nice job :)





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