Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Me. I am being thrown to the mirrors. I am--. I gasped. I am being pulled back to reality. I glanced up at Nora Aiwa. Her face turned white with what I saw in my mind. Her eyes are narrowed at me and her jaw was clenched. She let out her breath she was holding. "You don't have to push yourself, Ivy." She whispered from across the room. I tightened my grip on the wooden chair I'm sitting on. I could feel the wood break under my grasp. I inhaled and exhaled and closed my eyes again. Focus, I told myself. I began seeing myself again. So angry. So. Vampire. It's the same visions. Mirrors. Bloody. Another vampire was trying to kill me. Thirsted for me. I focused harder and just like the previous try, I was being pushed out of my own mind. I opened my eyes and saw a piece of wood on my palm. I'm bleeding. Life's great. I threw the chair across the room and Nora jumped at the flying object and caught it before it hit the marble floor. She glided next to me and put her arms around me. Before I knew it, I was sobbing on her slender arms. "I lost it, Nora. I lost my powers." I sobbed. She patted my hair and made soothing sounds. "It's okay. You'll be great without it." She said. I sink on the floor next to her legs and sobbed more. She left me after a while in this big room. This big room, where Ian told me he has a girlfriend. This big room, I attempted to put an end to my life but Nora caught me. Eric knocked and came in. He kicked Ian out of Cult High when he found out that Ian made me upset. He sat next to me and stretch out his long legs. I sniffed and looked at him. He gave me a wry smile and came nearer to me. "What are you thinking about?" He asked. He picked up my bloody palm and healed my wounds. He can heal people. I can see the future. Nora is strong and gets deja vu. "Thanks. Nothing really." I looked at his big blue eyes. They look tired. I touched his golden hair and sighed. He is my brother. I know, but he has to stop worrying about me. "I have to worry about you, Vee. Who is going to? Mom's busy with her work. Dad's busy with our school. And anyway, its like a full time job already." He smiled. Yes, he can read eyes. Its weird, but its true. I got up and hugged him. I look into his eyes again. He sigh. "Okay, let's pack tonight and we'll take the first flight to New York. You tell Dad. I'll tell Mom." He said. "Thanks. Really. You are my hero." I said. He touched my nose and we walked out of that big room.

Welcome to YWS b the way!!

Okay. Paragraphing is definitely the issue here, but has been covered by red_roses

Tense. Is this in future or past? Pick one and stick with it.

I glanced up at Nora Aiwa. Her face turned white with what I saw in my mind. Her eyes are narrowed at me and her jaw was clenched.

I opened my eyes and saw a piece of wood on my palm. I'm bleeding. Life's great.

Before I knew it, I was sobbing on her slender arms.

"It's okay. You'll be great without it." She said.

This big room, where Ian told me he has a girlfriend.

He sat next to me and stretch out his long legs.

Yes, he can read eyes. Its weird, but its true.

This big room, where Ian told me he has a girlfriend. This big room, I attempted to put an end to my life but Nora caught me. Eric knocked and came in. He kicked Ian out of Cult High when he found out that Ian made me upset.

My critique is in Bold.

dwiheryanni wrote:Me. I am being thrown to the mirrors. I am--. I gasped. I am being pulled back to reality. I glanced up at Nora Aiwa. Her face turned white with what I saw in my mind. Her eyes are narrowed at me and her jaw was clenched. She let out her breath she was holding. "You don't have to push yourself, Ivy." She whispered from across the room. I tightened my grip on the wooden chair I'm sitting on. I could feel the wood break under my grasp. I inhaled and exhaled and closed my eyes again. Focus, I told myself. I began seeing myself again. So angry. So. Vampire. It's the same visions. Mirrors. Bloody. Another vampire was trying to kill me. Thirsted for me. I focused harder and just like the previous try, I was being pushed out of my own mind. I opened my eyes and saw a piece of wood on my palm. I'm bleeding. Life's great. I threw the chair across the room and Nora jumped at the flying object and caught it before it hit the marble floor. She glided next to me and put her arms around me. Before I knew it, I was sobbing on her slender arms. New Paragraph here>>"I lost it, Nora. I lost my powers." I sobbed. She patted my hair and made soothing sounds. New paragraph her>>"It's okay. You'll be great without it." She said. I sink on the floor next to her legs and sobbed more. She left me after a while in this big room. This big room, where Ian told me he has a girlfriend. This big room, I attempted to put an end to my life but Nora caught me. Eric knocked and came in. He kicked Ian out of Cult High when he found out that Ian made me upset. He sat next to me and stretch out his long legs. I sniffed and looked at him. He gave me a wry smile and came nearer to me. New paragraph here>>"What are you thinking about?" He asked. He picked up my bloody palm and healed my wounds. He can heal people. I can see the future. Nora is strong and gets deja vu. New paragraph here>>"Thanks. Nothing really." I looked at his big blue eyes. They look tired. I touched his golden hair and sighed. He is my brother. I know, but he has to stop worrying about me. New paragraph here>>"I have to worry about you, Vee. Who is going to? Mom's busy with her work. Dad's busy with our school. And anyway, its like a full time job already." He smiled. Yes, he can read eyes. Its weird, but its true. I got up and hugged him. I look into his eyes again. He sighed. "Okay, let's pack tonight and we'll take the first flight to New York. You tell Dad. I'll tell Mom." He said. New paragraph here>>"Thanks. Really. You are my hero." I said. He touched my nose and we walked out of that big room.