John came racing around the corner thinking he had finally made it. Only right then to have his legs taken out from underneath him. He went crashing to the ground tumbling, finally ending in a cut up heap. He immediately jumped up not noticing the gashes on his legs. He ran to the finish line. Only it was too late; he hadn’t won, he was second again. Angrily he stormed off the track.
He went to where he had placed his bag hours ago took off his spikes, put on his trainers, and strapped on his watch. Just as he was about to go cool down he heard his name. “John!” yelled his Coach.
John sighed audibly, this is specificially what he had tried to avoid by getting over here so fast. “Yes Coach?” he said, his voice full of anger.
“You almost had it that time. We just need to get back at it next week. We can’t control other people being idiots. All we can do is be kind and just wait for karma to do its work.” Coach said hoping to boost John’s spirits.
“I just wish that I could win for once. I wish that I could be the one winning. I wish that I didn’t have to deal with him!” He said frustrated, before he ran off leaving Jim (his coach’s name) shaking his head in worry.
Little did John know just how much Coach Jim worried about him. Jim wondered what to do constantly, the kid had so much talent and the only thing holding him back was Harold. (Harold was the only kid in the state that could keep up with John on the track.) Jim knew that John could beat him if only Harold would race fair. It seemed that every race Harold did something stupid during the race to interfere with John. The last few times it had been tripping him and surging right past John, laying prone on the track.
Coach Jim was a very good coach. Even though he had only coached a few years before this, he knew just about everything there is to know about the sport of track and field. He ran collegiately (where he did very well, despite what he will tell you.), his father coaches at one of the top D1 colleges in the nation, and he’s been around the sport his entire life. His one flaw was his lack of experience coaching top athletes. He called his dad almost daily about John. His dad knew all about the rivalry between Harold and John. And all his dad kept telling him was “John has to figure it out on his own.”.
Jim kept waiting and waiting for John to figure it out, but it seemed almost as if he came to expect something every single race. Before every single race John lacked the confidence necessary to win. He wished he could find a way to give John the confidence that he had in him.
While cooling down John ran past the Bronco’s encampment (the school Harold ran for). A short redheaded kid yelled at him: “Hey nice legs loser!” It took every ounce of strength that John had left to not run over to him and Spartan kick him in the face.
By the time that John got back to his own team they were all packing up ready to go. John grabbed his bag and headed to the bus. Digging through the bag to find his iPod so that he didn’t have to pay attention to anything other than his music, only to get to the bus and as soon as he stepped on to hear his named called. He looked around confused for a moment only to spot her smiling up at him. She was the one and only person that he was willing to talk to right now. Jane was his best friend; she also happened to be most attractive girl on the team.
He walked back threw his stuff on the stuff seat and went and sat next to her. She always knew the right things to say to him to cheer him up. No matter how he was feeling. He always felt like such a horrible friend though whenever she would talk to him. He just didn’t feel like his advice was as awesome as hers.
“Hey, are you okay John?” she asked seriously.
“Yeah, I’m just a little frustrated with how the season’s gone for me so far. I mean I had such high hopes after cross country season and now this.” He said with a waver in his voice.
“Look John you can’t let Harold mess with your head. You know that you’re better than him. You just need to not worry so much about what he’s going to do and worry about what you can do.”
“I know, I know. It’s just I want to win so bad and I know that he’s going to do something stupid to cheat every week. I can’t help but worry about what he’s going to do.”
“You know what? I bet if you don’t think about him at all this week you beat him.” She said matter-of-factly.
He thought about it for a few seconds. “I’ll try it. But if I lose again it’ll be all your fault” He said jokingly.
“Like that will happen.” She laughed musically.
When they were about ten minutes away from the school Coach Jim and Coach Andy called John up to talk to them. John sighed audibly. “What do you think they want?” He asked no one in particular. John didn’t particularly feel like getting another pep talk about how you can’t control everything that happens and that you need to push through the things that you can’t control.
I haven't read any stories on this website about sports, so thank you for some originality!
The first paragraph is completely useless to a reader unless you add some detail to it. It was far too fast paced. Although a faster pace is good for a story, you cannot simply speed through important plot detail. Since he is apparently a very talented runner, use this paragraph to show us that instead of simply telling us later on. You also ended the paragraph rather abruptly. "Angrily, he stormed off the track." Doesn't capture the essence of what I think you are trying to convey about this boy. He is dedicated to running. I don't think that he would simply walk off the track after he lost. Show us his emotions. Convey to us his true feelings on the situation so that we may grow closer to him as a character.
You do far too much telling in this piece. Coach Jim worries about him. Jim is a good coach. Jane is the most attractive girl on the team. Do not tell us these things. Show them to us. Use your words to show how Coach Jim worries about him. Use your words to show why Jane is the most attractive girl on the team. When readers are told too much information, they feel like they are being lectured instead of entertained. Entertain us, please.
You need to describe the setting better. I really did not know where they were. I know that races usually take place at schools, but a reader shouldn't have to make assumptions like that. Tell us where your characters are.
Overall, I think you need to go back over this and fix the little errors that occurred. Also, check your grammar because I noticed a few mistakes. I'm very interested in where your story will go so please, keep me posted. Happy Writing!
Hello Dupaix! I see you are a new member, so welcome to YWS! Be sure to check out the Welcome Mat when you get a chance, it's the best place to meet new members. Another good idea would be to hang out in The Lounge, or if you're up for some silliness, Randomosity!
Anyway, I'll get on with the review. I will review your work based on the five conventions of fictionwriting. I've always been using the five conventions of general writing, but turns out there are also conventions for fiction writing! Anyway, they are character, plot, setting, voice, and style. We'll start with character!
In the first paragraph, I just through John had tripped. It also wasn't clear he was racing. It was an exciting way to start your story, but if I were you, I'd start the story at the beginning of the race. This gives you a better chance at characterization, for both John and his coach. Does John get nervous before a race? Does his coach? Where does the pressure come from? Knowing little things like this can go a long way with characterization.
What I liked about the first paragraph was when you said John jumped up without noticing his cuts. That shows he's competitive and focused. Some things we don't really know about John right now are his age, what he looks like, and why he and Jane get a long so well.
As for Coach Jim, I would've called him Coach Jim from the start. It was a little odd to start calling him Coach Jim so suddenly. I also wondered why he didn't stop Harold's cheating from the start. He's an adult, there's no reason for him to let it keep happening. Is he afraid to for some reason?
Jane was only their for a brief moment. Judging from the end of this, I'm assuming theirs more to it, and you'll have other chances to really flesh out her character. The same goes for Coach Andy and Harold, who are only really mentioned by name. We do know a little about Harold.
On to plot!
As far as plot goes, yours isn't bad at all. I could see a really interesting story in it! However, there are some slight issues with the plot that need resolutions. For one thing, why does Coach John just let Harold keep cheating? Why aren't the officials noticing his cheating? My sister ran track, and that was a long time ago, but I thought runners had to stay in their lanes. I could be wrong, I don't know much about the sport. But the point is, the astute reader will wonder some of these things, and you'd be cheating them if you left their questions unanswered.
The setting is a high school somewhere. I think if you grounded your story in setting it would really help you out. Is his high school the underdog? What background does John come from? When he runs, is it so cold it makes his lungs burn, or is it so hot and humid, it feels like he's breathing through burlap? It's always important for your story to have a good, solid setting because it will strongly effect the characters, the plot, and even the voice if it is written in first person.
I'll pair voice and style together since this review is running a little long. Your voice is good, but you should definitely throw in some description. The reader is going to want to know more about your characters. Your style is great, since I think this story is geared towards younger readers.
All in all, you did an awesome job, but you should always strive for more characterization. Your setting is not very developed yet either. Also, give it another reread and check for grammar and spelling errors. If you ever have any trouble with grammar or writing conventions, your should visit The Writer's Corner in the forums. I enjoyed reading your story, you have tons to work with here, and I think when all's said and done, this story will be great. Nice job Dupaix! Keep up the good work!
Hey there dupaix
I hope you're enjoying the site and having a look around! I just stopped by to have a quick look at your story.
I like the basis of the idea you have here. You have already set-up a good conflict within the story (that of John and Harold) and your characters have very clear motives, except for Jane probably (Side note about Jane: Be careful with her character. Try not to make her only purpose in the story to be a love interest. Try to give her her own motivations and story).
The only trouble I'm finding is that I'm not really being allowed to get into the story properly. So I can't really side with John enough to care about him. One of the major problems is that everything happens a little too fast. There is an awful lot going on here. The race, the talk, the coach, the chat with Jane, the coaches calling John over. If this is to be a longer story then I think you could probably do the whole first chapter with just the race and the aftermath. That way it gives the reader a little longer to be with John, to get to know him and his troubles rather than shoving the reader along before they get proper time to acquaint themselves with the world. You also introduce too many characters at once. You need to gradually introduce the reader to this world and those who populate it otherwise again you lose connection.
The other point is when you switch between John's perspective and The Coach's perspective. This is a little too quick. It's always a bit disorientating for the reader if you switch perspectives so fast like that. If you want to do multiple perspectives it might be better if you go by chapters. So one chapter will be John's perspective and the next chapter will be the Coach's perspective. Try to stick with one perspective per chunk.
Anyway! I think you should keep writing because you definitely have something interesting.
If you have any questions then feel free to PM me
Bex
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