I just woke up, its too dark to see anything but a dim light. The ground is smooth, like a polished marble floor, but it has no texture, no temperature, completely dark, its not black though, there's no color at all. There's nothing here so I don't have a choice but to walk closer to the light. As I step closer I realize... its a hallway, a hospital hallway, with its white bumpy walls, and its smooth marble floor. I don't know whether to turn around or continue. I stare at the hallway and realize there's no visible end, it goes on and on for as long as I can see. I wanted to stop, to turn around and go the other way, but I cant, my legs keep going. I looked over my shoulder and there was nothing, nothing but a large black void. I spun my head back forward to see a black wall in the hallway, like a dead end. Seconds later I realized it wasn't a dead-end, it was a large black figure. By the time I reached the hallway it moved, a large, shadowy hand reached forward and clawed at the floor, then another. I looked back and behind me was the hallway, the void was gone, I looked back at the thing and realized there was two more hands, both on the celling. It started to come near me, going faster and faster, I turned around and ran, I ran and ran, my legs were killing me, but I had to, but I wasn't fast enough. it started getting closer, 100 feet, 90 feet, 80, feet. Every second it got closer 50 feet, 40 feet, 30 feet, I started to pray, 10, 9, 8. I begged and begged, 6, 5, 4. I was terrified, 3, 2, 1. A large hand rapped around me yanking me back. I turned to look at it, a large red eye stared at me, it looked like a lion staring at its prey before it pounced, a large mouth opened with large pearly white fangs, as sharp as glass, and grinned, I couldn't scream. I prayed and prayed...
I have Everlight as my brilliant co-author, they should be working on the story right now, there's many good suggestions here, the reason for the fast sentences is to speed it up as tho if it were happening at the second your reading (
ima let you in on a secret, this is a dream of the main character)
Hello! Just going to leave a quick review here 
For starters, you really should use paragraphs in your work! They split your story into nest little segments and make it way easier for the reader to both look and understand cohesively. Right now, it's difficult to trudge through, my eyes get lost, and I found myself getting sick of reading. Even if you have a really good story, it's a waste to have it badly formatted!
You could also work on making sure the reader understands what's happening. I was often lost -- I'd it still dark; where's the shadow; how many hands are there now? So much is happening very quickly and it's hard to keep up when you keep brushing past everything.
That being said, you're very good at describing the dark and creepy elements of the story. I also applaud your creativity in general, because having a good idea like this is the first step to writing a good story, after all!
I see where you are going with this, and I would try and go more into the black shadow. That in my opinion would creep me the heck out. Secondly, the sentence with "it started getting closer," the i in it needs to be capitalized. Other than that this is an interesting start! Keep writing!!!
EverLight here with a review! This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned you may feel offended anyway.
First Impression
This wasn't exactly horrifying...(I'll delve into that once I get into the actual review) but it sure had me hooked. I'm certainly looking forward to the next chapter.
Nitpicks & Grammar
The ground is smooth, like a polished marble floor, but it has no texture, no temperature, completely dark, its not black though, there's no color at all.
I wanted to stop, to turn around and go the other way, but I cant, my legs keep going.
I looked back and behind me was the hallway, the void was gone, I looked back at the thing and realized there was two more hands, both on the celling.
...There were to more hands
I begged and begged, 6, 5, 4. I was terrified, 3, 2, 1. A large hand rapped around me yanking me back.
I just woke up, its too dark to see anything but a dim light. The ground is smooth, like a polished marble floor, but it has no texture, no temperature, completely dark, its not black though, there's no color at all. There's nothing here so I don't have a choice but to walk closer to the light. As I step closer I realize... its a hallway, a hospital hallway, with its white bumpy walls, and its smooth marble floor.
I had woken up. Its too dark to see anything but a dim light...
The ground is smooth, like a polished marble floor, but it has no texture, no temperature, and is completely dark, its not black [/s]though,[s] in fact, there's no color at all.
120,203 Literary Works • 649,072 Reviews
Points: 0
Reviews: 0
Donate