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​Jake and The Dragon

by dtsipocz

Chapter 1-The Old Man and The Dragon.

One day in the countryside, Jake was living with his Mom, Dad, and his little brother Gavin. Jake was a smart, kind, generous, and daring boy. Gavin was smart, energetic, kind, and protective. Jake had just got home from school. He was so happy it was Friday and couldn’t wait for the weekend to start. The next morning Jake got out of bed, got dressed, ate breakfast, and brushed his teeth afterward. A few hours later his mom asked Jake and Gavin to go to the mechanic's shop to have their clock repaired. So Jake and Gavin both went outside and started walking up the hill but, all of a sudden they both stopped only to hear the cries of an animal in danger.

When they both went into the woods they saw a dragon lying in the woods crying in pain. The dragon was black with wings. Its tail had only one wing attached to it and its other wing was a piece of cloth that was carefully sowed onto the dragon. Gavin and Jake both looked at each other in confusion. Then all of a sudden they saw a man with an unusual cane. It was brown with a swirl carved into it at the top and it had a flat circular base.

The man was old and had a white beard. And he was wearing a hat that seemed to point up, he was also wearing a robe that was blue and had silver stars on it as well as his hat. They looked at Jake and Gavin and started walking towards them and asked them to please help this dragon. Gavin and Jake would have loved to help the poor old man but, there was one problem they didn’t know how to help the dragon. Jake and Gavin started to walk towards the dragon and as they were they had noticed a golden stick that seemed to be glowing. Gavin had picked up the stick and when he did the dragon was able to move again. The old man was pleased and thankful and as a reward, he told the two boys to follow him. And so they did.

Chapter 2-Magic and Elements

The old man had led Jake and Gavin to a little house on a hill. The man walked inside and the boys followed him. The man had pulled a lever that opened a door to the basement. The man had said to Jake and Gavin “oh I am so sorry where are my manners I had forgotten to introduce myself. My name is Jared, what are your names.” My name is Jake and my name is Gavin.” Jarid had also told Gavin and Jake that the dragon they rescued its name was toothless.

Gavin had asked why Jarid had led them to this house, Jarid said “because I got something for the both of you.” What is it Jake asked? Jarid had given them both a stick with a point at the top of it and Jake's stick was red and Gavin’s was blue. The man had told Jake and Gavin to take these sticks and to help him defeat a person named Vexx. He is my brother Jared said and he has always had a hunger for power. Then, all of a sudden there was a loud rumbling and it was coming from outside. Jake and Gavin rushed outside to what the noise was. It had turned out to be another dragon. And this dragon was blue and its name turned out to be Tritanous. The two dragons were supposedly brothers. After, Jake and Gavin brought Tritanous back to Jarid. Jake started to ask Jarid a lot of questions like “What are these sticks for? And Why are there two dragons? And What is your true identity?”

Chapter 3-The Truth Revealed

Jarid didn’t know where to start but he started by saying “I am a wizard and the two dragons you helped are my pets, and the colored sticks that I gave you are magic wands.” Jake and Gavin both said thank you. Everyone was happy but, all that changed when Jarid had turned on the tv, and on the news, there was a report of a house being destroyed by a thunderstorm. The storm came out of nowhere. It was a perfect summer’s day and the sky was clear. Jarid knew how the thunderstorm began out of nowhere his brother had brought it.

Gavin asked Jarid how the thunderstorm came and Jarid said it was his brother Vexx. You see Vexx is a wizard just like me but instead of using his special powers to help others, he uses them for evil. So, Jarid told Jake and Gavin that Vexx must be stopped.

Chapter 4- A New Evil Arises

As time went on Vexx had gotten more and more powerful. Jarid had told Gavin that Vexx was after the light dragon. He has been getting stronger so he would have enough power to summon the light dragon. Jake and Gavin asked why Vexx wants to summon the light dragon. Jarid said, “The light dragon is a very powerful dragon in fact legend says that she is the mother of all dragons and not only that she has the power to grant any wish.” So, that’s why Vexx wants the light dragon. Yes, Jarid said. Now Gavin takes Tritanous and for Jake you take Toothless. So, Jake and Gavin took their magic wands Jarid had given them and they both got on their dragons. But, before they headed off Gavin had asked Jarid “where we were supposed to go”?

Jarid gave Jake a special piece of paper he said this piece of paper will guide you to where Vexx is. So, Jake and Gavin headed off and as they were flying the paper began to draw out a map on itś own. Jake and Gavin had finally found Vexx at an old abandoned house. They entered the house with caution. Suddenly, there was a black figure. Jake tried to use his wand as light but, before he could he was knocked unconscious and Gavin had managed to get away but he knew he had to go back for his brother. But, he didn't know how to help him yet.

Chapter 5- Vexx

Jake had regained consciousness only to find out that he was tied to a chair with his arms behind him and his legs were also tied together. He looked around and he saw something that looked like a person staring at him. The figure started moving and was getting closer and closer to Jake. Jake panicked and started yelling for help. Then, the figure put his hand over Jake's mouth and the figure removed the hood and it turned out to be Vexx. Are you Vvvvvexx Jake said as his voice was trembling in fear?

Vexx had said yes and asked Jake why have you been looking for me. Jake said because you want to take over the world. Vexx was in shock that he had his new plans. Then, Vexx had realized that his brother Jarid had sent him here. So, Vexx thought to himself before this boy has time to ruin my plans I think I’ll kill him.

Chapter 6-Gavin to the rescue

Jake had no idea that he was going to die. But, just before Vexx had the time to kill Jake, Gavin had shown up. He used his wand to cast a spell on Vexx that Jered had taught him. It was a freezing spell that allowed Jake to escape the cell and Gavin flew away with Jake on his dragon. Later that day the freezing spell had gone away Vexx was free once again. Gavin had returned to Jered’s house. Jake was very ill and was on the edge of dying. So Jered whipped up a magic potion that cured Jake's illness. Afterward, Jared decided to teach Jake and Gavin some spells to help them beat Vexx. And so, Jake’s and Gavin’s quest to beat Vexx had just begun.

Chapter 7-New Wizards are born

The first spell Jared decided to teach to Jake and Gavin was the summoning spell. This spell would allow Jake and Gavin to summon a mythical creature to help them in battle. But, the creature was a powerful one and Jared had told them that “This spell should only be used if you are in a pinch.” Then, Jared said the magic words. “From land to sea, sea to sky, I summon the power of the storm wyvern” And so, it appeared.

This beast was a terrifying one and its body was covered in lighting, its teeth were razor-sharp, and its wings were huge. It could wipe out an entire city with one blast. So, Jered called the spell off. And he taught them the next spell. Which had the power to temporarily take away your opponent's power. Jered said the words out loud.``Through the shadows of darkness let me have my enemy’s power.”

And so Jered had taken away Jake’s power but, his power will return to him in about 10 minutes. Finally, Jared taught Gavin and Jake the last spell. This spell had the power to revive someone from death. So Jered said the magic words out loud: “Through the shining light, through death and life, awaken the, and let this person live once again.” So, Jered’s spell had revived a dead flower. Now Jake and Gavin were ready to vs Vexx and end his reign of terror once and for all.

Chapter 8-The Final Battle

After Jake and Gavin have mastered the three spells that Jered had taught them, they set off to find Vexx. According to Jered, Vexx is in the forest where Gavin and Jake first met Jered. So they both flew on their dragons and they found Vexx. Jake and Gavin got off of their dragons. But, Vexx had put a magic barrier to keep the dragons out. So after the magic barrier was up Vexx yelled to the two boys and said, “Let the final battle begin!” So, Vexx started blasting them with fireballs but Gavin knew an Ice spell to freeze the fireballs. After all the fireballs were frozen solid Gavin threw them right back at Vexx.

But, Vexx made all of them disappear. So, Jake started to get very angry with Vexx, and he decided it was time to use the first spell that he and his little brother had learned from Jered. So, Gavin and Jake both said the Magic words aloud: “From land to sea, sea to sky, I summon the power of the storm wyvern.” And so, the all-powerful wyvern had appeared. And the final showdown had begun.

Chapter 9-The Final Battle (part 2)

After the wyvern had appeared Gavin and Jake had ordered the wyvern to attack Vexx. The all-powerful Storm Wyvern attacks Vexx with an electrical storm. Vexx said with a crackling voice “Do you really think that Wyvern can stop me?” Vexx used his dark powers to make the Wyvern disappear, and a gust of wind made the Wyvern disappear. Jake and Gavin were running out of time before Vexx destroyed everything and took control of all the dragons.

Suddenly, Jarid appeared and Jake and Gavin were very happy to see him but Vexx was not. Vexx said, “ Aw you showed up brother your just in time to watch me end this battle”. Your wrong brother it is you who will lose this battle. Just then, Jarid’s eyes started to glow and he told Jake and Gavin to repeat what he says. “Heat of fire, Strength of water, Violent storms of wind. Heavy strength of the earth, I call upon the forces of nature help me in this fight and rid this world of evil”. Just then all four elements of nature surrounded Vexx and in a blink of an eye, the forces of nature attacked him. But, Vexx was able to teleport out of the way just in time.

Jake and Gavin were doing their own thing while Jarid was fighting Vexx. Jake and Gavin were combining their powers together with their dragons. As Jarid and Vexx were fighting storm clouds started to form. With overwhelming speed, Jake and Gavin jumped into the air and both of them held their wands and said “Powers of storms, Power of the Shadows combine your power and end this battle” A blast of shadow and lightning knocked Vexx off his feet and his magic wand broke. The fight was over. Jarid, Gavin, and Jake all gathered around Vexx. And together they said you have lost.

Then, a flash of light blinded them. And a dragon appeared. It was the light dragon and her name was Angelica. She told them that they did a good job and they were given one wish. Both Jake and Gavin said they wish for Vexx to live but, as a good wizard, they got to keep their powers. So, Angelica did as they asked.

Vexx opened his eyes and told his brother that he was sorry for what he did. Vexx explained that wanting to summon the light dragon clouded his judgment. I will take any punishment you give me brother. But, Jarid was in tears. He ran and hugged his brother and said thank you to Jake and Gavin. It was at that moment that Angelica gave Vexx a new wand and she made sure to make him promise to only use his powers for good and not his own selfish goals. Vexx promised.

Angelica then turned to Jake and Gavin and said it’s time to go home. The boys waved goodbye to Jarid and Vexx and Angelica flew them home. When they arrived back at their house they realized that they didn’t have the clock. Angelica handed them a clock and said goodbye and good luck on your journey to becoming powerful wizards. Also, you can visit Jarid and Vexx whenever you want. Gavin asked her “how”? Just use your wands and say dragon temple that will bring you to Jarid and Vexx. Farewell and Angelica flew away.

Jake and Gavin were so happy as they walked into their house. Their mom asked how it went before Gavin could tell her what really happened Jake said the person who fixed the clock was really nice. Jake and Gavin went up to their room. Jake told Gavin that he can’t tell anybody about what happened because they need to keep it a secret to protect the dragons so nobody would hurt them. Gavin understood and promised not to tell. From that day on Jake and Gavin would visit Jarid, Vexx, and the dragons. They would learn new spells and new ways to protect themselves and their family. Years went by and Jake and Gavin always visited Jarid, Vexx, and the dragons. Eventually, their parents did find out the truth but, instead of being mad and saying “It’s too dangerous” they went with them on their next trip to the dragon temple. And a whole family of wizards was born.

The End

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1232 Reviews

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Reviews: 1232

Mon Apr 12, 2021 12:28 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...

Hi dtsipocz!

Mailice here with a short review! :D

Your introduction turned out great and reads a bit like an old fairy tale, which I like.

Jake was a smart, kind, generous, and daring boy. Gavin was smart, energetic, kind, and protective.

To differentiate Jake and Gavin a little bit more, I wouldn't put in both of them being smart and kind, but either split that between the two or rewrite it a little bit.

I think your attempt to describe a lot of things is very good.

One little thing I noticed while reading is how the paragraphs go a little from one point to another without "describing" much more. For example, here:

So Jake and Gavin both went outside and started walking up the hill but, all of a sudden they both stopped only to hear the cries of an animal in danger.
When they both went into the woods they saw a dragon lying in the woods crying in pain.

This kind of transition is a bit strange, because they hear an animal crying, and in the next section they run into the woods. I would either put the first sentence here in the next section, or rewrite it a bit, because the split makes it seem like two different events.

The man had said to Jake and Gavin "oh I am so sorry where are my manners I had forgotten to introduce myself. My name is Jared, what are your names." My name is Jake and my name is Gavin."

Dialogue should always be written line by line. It is not a bad thing if this makes the text seem so massive. Also, an inverted comma is missing before "My name is (...)".

Some parts of the text seem very bumpy and imprecise. You try to use several stylistic devices (which is excellent!), not only direct speech but also a bit of the passive voice, but you would have to look at it again and make some corrections. Also, you forget to put some inverted commas and since they are in the same line as the continuous narrative text, the reader gets lost in it and doesn't know what is direct speech and what is not. This can lead to confusion.

One can see that you have put a lot of effort into getting this story down on paper. As I mentioned at the beginning, the introduction makes it seem like a classic fairy tale, which I liked very much. It was a simple yet exciting story with not one but two heroes. You don't find that so often in fairy tales.
Some points where you still need to work on the writing style are the dialogues and the structure of the story. Once you've mastered that, the story won't seem so "confusing" in some places.

Have fun with your writing!


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33 Reviews

Points: 837
Reviews: 33

Sat Mar 20, 2021 8:34 am
piyaliarchives wrote a review...

piyali archives
Hi there!

Piyali here for a review! It seems that you are new to this site. First of all, WELCOME TO YWS! :D Here we post and review each others work and the points we get will be used for publishing our own work.

Firstly, I want to say that your story is very creative. Unfortunately, I cant read it. Because it is so longg.

At YWS we usually post chapter by chapter

I hope you understand!!

Hope you will stick with us :))

A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea.
— Honore de Balzac