Young Writers Society

Hey! I loved the poem. I found it so relatable. How relationships can be so short, yet so meaningful. I felt like your title could use some work though, something more relevant to the poem.

Hey there dropout212,

Lovely poem you got there
I like your theme behind this poem.
This can relate to those heart-breaks out there.
This poem can totally calm and sooth those heart-breaks too.
Its like anger released in a poem.

Very well structured too!
And the commas were placed at right intervals
giving the words to flow smoothly with the rhythm.

But... if you had written 'since we'

Greetings, dropout.

I think some well-places commas might be good in here, but you certainly don't have to. After "can't" and "girl" are really the two main places.

The line "Fibe months, three days / we first talked" doesn't really make sense. I would say go for an option like this: "Five months, three days / since we first talked", or "Five months, three days / ago we first talked", there really just needs to be a word or two in between the two lines. I also feel like the narrator/normal people won't remember the exact day they started talking to someone- maybe the day they started dating?

Anyway, the last line is pretty sweet, but it doesn't seem sincere to me. The narrator apologises, but he/she has just mentioned that that cycle they were in just started again- 3 days ago!! I feel like there needs to be something about reform in here- maybe like "The cycle has started again / but I won't let it end the same way it has@ or something?

Anyway, this is one of the better poems of the series, I feel. Still a but lyre description might be nice. Keep writing!

-Falco

Hey dropout <3 Nice to see you.

Alright, so I like to follow the critiquing sandwich when I review and I will be doing that for your poems that you have on here. Here's a link to the guidelines I'm using: The YWS Critique Sandwich

I really like that you're showing us the details of this relationship. You're trying to work with the way that it's happening in a sequential manner and that is really a strong part about this poem. It's a good place to start.

Overall, I think you do have some things you can improve upon. I'm not exactly sure what the italics are for in this poem? I think it might be the internal voice of the main speaker? I could be wrong. I'm not exactly sure, either, why it's cut off. It feels like that's where the detail is going to be in the poem but it's not there because, well, cut off. In a way it seems like you are holding back from really exploring the emotional aspects of this poem in depth by dealing with it analytically.

I think if you let yourself explore the emotional depth of the poem by writing something that creates those emotions in yourself, [not about yourself, but in yourself] then you'd get a good emotional response from the audience and that would improve your poem quite a bit. Right now, the details are nice, but we need more of that inner dialogue that seems to be going on with the italics to come in and explain the pain and anger that's buried beneath the surface.

Poems don't get published for being safe, they get published for making people respond to them with a sense of familiarity and dialogue as they share a similar story about themselves. It's a conversation with your audience, and I think you're cutting yourself off before you engage the audience in that conversation.

I hope this helps! I'm going to peak at your other poems to see if I can say anything else.

-Aley