Young Writers Society

I thought I should start at the beginning of your little series here.
Hey dropout!

take flight, our airplanes go right over the Midwestern clouds, passing over several football stadiums.

our wings are bonded together as we try to escape together

Hey Dropout,

Here for another review!

First off I'd like to say that this poem really shows itself off well. You did a really good job with the style of the poem here. I think you also have a good flow for your words. When you're reading the poem it gives itself enough life that you aren't caught up with how the words should sound, but just smoothly flowing over them as it should be. You also aren't caught up with a lot of determiners, and conjunctions which is always nice in a poem because it eliminates a lot of the clutter and useless words. You do have some prepositions which could probably be eliminated as well, but they help keep things smooth.

On this poem I will say that your specific word choice could probably be better. For instance, you use "together" twice in one line. That's not good. Repeating words that close together ends up making the reader lose interest and wonder if they just read the same thing again, which draws them out of the poem and gives them a chance to leave. When we're writing poetry, we need to try to get a captive audience, and anything that's not going to captivate them is going to give them a window of opportunity to leave.

I really like the detail in the first line, but it is a bit long. Because none of the other lines are that long it gives our audience a chance to focus on other things, like, on YWS, your name, age, Sam, and your stars. That's not what we want. If we had something to hop down to, then it would be okay, but because it's hanging out there so far, it's sort of on it's own. You do, however have a nice slope going on and I wouldn't want to interrupt that so what I'd suggest is to break it off with the first line being short, and the next one being the long top of the cliff, so to speak if we look at your poem visually and not as words.

Aside from that, I really liked it. Like I said, try to split up the first line just enough to draw the beginning of the last word close to the end of the last word on the line after it, and rephrase that line to avoid saying "together" twice.

Other than that I don't have much to say. Good job.

Aley

Hi. I enjoyed this...just a few comments.
I think the choice to be somewhat simple about it and go short was really cool. Same kind of concept with the title. It's not much but it says a lot, in my opinion. I think simply going from "take flight" to "taking flight" would fit nicely into that first part. Also maybe you want to consider taking out "as we" in that second line, making it "Our wings bonded together, trying to escape"..something like that to improve the overall flow of the poem. I also agree with a previous review that the overuse of the word together in that second line doesn't work.
Great poem, nice job

Hi. I enjoyed this...just a few comments.
I think the choice to be somewhat simple about it and go short was really cool. Same kind of concept with the title. It's not much but it says a lot, in my opinion. I think simply going from "take flight" to "taking flight" would fit nicely into that first part. Also maybe you want to consider taking out "as we" in that second line, making it "Our wings bonded together, trying to escape"..something like that to improve the overall flow of the poem. I also agree with a previous review that the overuse of the word together in that second line doesn't work.
Great poem, nice job

Hey there! I'm here for a review on this lovely little short piece.

Honestly, I think this poem is really powerful. It makes its point well in such a short amount of space, and that takes a lot of skill. However, there are still a couple of things that make this not quite as tidy of a poem as it could be.

Extraneous Words.
A couple of your lines are unnecessarily wordy, and that detracts from the overall poem a lot in such a short piece. I'll just go through and point those out.

our wings are bonded together as we try to escape together

but as the flight gets lengthier, we soon separate

Well lookie, lookie at this cookie.

I'm an idiot. Onto the review!

One of the first things I noticed after actually reading the poem was the heading at the top labeled "Poetry: Romantic, Spiritual." I don't exactly understand how this would be spiritual as this poem seems to be a metaphor for /something/. If you would kindly explain that, I'd appreciate it.

I think this poem was inappropriately named. It is simply called "I," but it would be more appropriate if it actually had to do with the poem itself. The title "I" sort of gives a clue that this poem is about who you are as a person, and that's just coming from the one-letter title.

our wings are bonded together as we try to escape together

Hey there, dropout212! Sparkles here to review your awesome poem. Let's see...

Formatting and Logistics:

So let's start here. Formatting. Now, I get that this may be a stylistic choice--having the lines slowly grow shorter, but it doesn't seem to be purposeful to the point where you should keep it. It just feels awkward and like a word processing error or like you simply weren't paying attention. I'd advise shortening the length of each individual line by adding line breaks (and the corresponding punctuation) in the appropriate places. For instance,

"take flight -

our airplanes go right over the Midwestern clouds,

passing over several football stadiums.

our wings are bonded together as we try to escape together

but as the flight gets lengthier, we soon separate,

you fly across the nation,

I crash in the Rockies."

See? It was pretty easy and pretty effective. Now, onto

Phrasing:

Phrasing. Here we go. I'm going to go line by line (as you have the lines, not as I just had the lines) and suggest a few changes for you. Ready?

take flight, our airplanes go right over the Midwestern clouds, passing over several football stadiums.

our wings are bonded together as we try to escape together

but as the flight gets lengthier, we soon separate,

you fly across the nation,

I crash in the Rockies.

Hey, dropout212! Welcome to YWS!! RagingLive here to review your poetry today!

I found this a very interesting poem and I loved the general idea behind it. This piece was short, but very powerful. You didn't have much of a rhyme or rhythmic pattern going, but in free verse, you don't really have too.
I found the use - or should I say non-use - of capitalization and punctuation very fitting for this poem. Overall, it was a great work!

I understand the significance of your title simply being 'I' but I feel as though it doesn't do the poem justice. Maybe it could be better described as "To Take Flight" or something of the like. If you do decide to leave it the same, though, I would suggest changing it to lowercase so that it would fit in with the style of your poem.

I didn't quite understand the pattern of your sentences, and in fact have a few questions about some of them.

our airplanes go right over the Midwestern clouds, passing over several football stadiums.

but as the flight gets lengthier, we soon separate,

you fly across the nation,

I crash in the Rockies.