Rinse and Repeat

Flemzo

Review

Flemzo wrote a review · Tue Apr 19, 2011 12:50 am

Hi, resident YWS Musician on board. I'm here to give your lyrics a read-through. Basically, I'm going to check for flow (making sure your rhythms match up and that sort of thing, making sure it's singable), emotion/message (if any), and overall impressions (would this be something I'd want to listen to/play for myself, and is it enjoyable?)

That being said, here I go:

I’m really sore at the moment
And my heart is heavily beating
Seems I will never be defeating
The many dumb soft skin treatments

Right now? I'm already lost and confused. "heavily" in the second line trips up your rhythm. And what are "dumb soft skin treatments?" This might be answered as I read on...

Now she starts to breath as normal
As my soul, ever more, is fading
She counts bills taken here for trading
While I wade through the dark portals
And fade into blackness
I walk into darkness

Lyrics are hard because sometimes you need to hear musically how things work. Like right now, I could mention something about punctuation, but that's because the poet in me says, "I don't know how to read this!" But I will comment that "She counts bills taken here for trading" is a bit of an awkward line.

I will play along with it
As I’m feeling it, as I’m feeling you
I will play along with you
As I’m feeling you, as I’m feeling it
I want it to go away
But I force it out to play
…to cruelly play

Not gonna lie: choruses are hard to write, because they need to be memorable, since it's often the only thing people remember. And I feel like this chorus is trying to hard to have an emotional impact. It doesn't tell me anything, it doesn't make me feel anything. And "cruelly play" is awkward to say, and will definitely be awkward to sing.

She’s drunk and quite susceptible
To flattering of unwise intent
Spinning world moves and is prevalent
To show us nude – inescapable

I'll admit, I like your rhyme scheme, and may have to steal it. However, the last line is awkward. For one, "inescapable" seems like a throw-away word that you needed to rhyme, which makes that whole like lose some of its luster. You have a good idea, it just needs to be refined a little bit.

She starts to puke as I’m thrusting
I’m too into it to ever stop
So close to the emotional drop
Self hate smells of metal rusting
Crumbling down to nothing
My life’s down to nothing

"Puke" is such an ugly word, and when used in proper context, works. This, however, makes whatever powerful message you were going for seem less powerful. A word a little more colorful than "puke" would be so much better. Also, congrats on vulgarity, but you lose points for not being engaging enough. Why should I care that you're screwing this lady until she pukes while remaining emotionally unattached? I really don't. Make me care.

And the rest is chorus, so same notes: tell me something, make me feel something, etc etc.

Overall? Kind of meh. I could tell toward the end these are probably more metal lyrics, which is great. However, without hearing the music that goes along with it, it all seems boring and melodramatic. Make the lyrics a little more interesting, and your songs will be a little more interesting too.

Keep writing,
kf

Kamas

Review

Kamas wrote a review · Tue Apr 19, 2011 12:37 am

Because you're whining about a lack of reviews. I'll do you the favour to review this, even though I have lots of things I need to do.

Firstly, I'm glad to see some people are capable of appropriately rating their work.

Secondly, real review:

The flow of it, it works most of the time, could go with some music. But, the content is boring. Like please spare me from another song about being drunk and mindless love-making and angst. Some guitar in the background and you have about every single pop rock song that's out there. It's cold, distant with a lack of any feeling in the words. It's words on paper, nothing else.

I’m really sore at the moment

Awful way to start this off in my opinion, gee thanks fact-omatic 3000. I'm bored and you throw the flow right from the beginning, you manage to catch it up, but it's a turbulent way to start this off.
You want hook-line and sinker, your listener/reader has to be into it from the beginning and take them all the way to the end, or you won't have their complete/most of their attention through the rest of it. For example, me reading it, I had trouble getting into it because it started off poorly, mainly got through it because I was determined to review this. Otherwise, if I'd just been skimming, none of this would have caught any of my attention whatsoever

Now she starts to breath as normal
As my soul, ever more, is fading
She counts bills taken here for trading
While I wade through the dark portals
And fade into blackness
I walk into darkness

Blah blah blah. Nonsense, you're reliant on physical descriptions and tangible ones through this, why is this part different? Portals? I mean what? All I can think about it the "Cake is a Lie" now.

Also "And fade into blackness/I walk into darkness" is choppy and not interesting in the way it rolls off the tongue, either, not similar enough for it to flow properly, nor different enough to work effectively in keeping me interested.

It smells so good
It feels so good
This smells so good (I’m so bad)
This feels so good (I’m so fucking bad)
You smell so good (I’m so bad)
You feel so good (I’m so fucking bad)

sounds like the stanza from some pop song when they run out of things to say. It's a rather disappointing way to end off this piece of lyrics.

Good luck, I hope you get as many reviews as you'd like.

Kamas

Soulkana

Review

Soulkana wrote a review · Mon Apr 18, 2011 12:43 am

This is really great and I can feel the emotion you put into this amazing work. I also can see the time you put into it. This is very descriptive and I can't wait to read more of your works. Good luck and may your works get many reviews. Also may you improve a lot. Good luck and happy writing!!!!! Keep up the good work!!
Soulkana<3

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