Do you remember
The night you cried on my shoulder
and I said everything will be okay
But it's not okay
No, no
It's not okay
No, no
And as you turn away
words come but won't say
and why can't this just stay
Love
I can remember
someone old who had lost himself
and thought that all the pain would fade away
But it just won't change
No, no
It just won't change
No, no
And as I crawl away
words hide and betray
and why must this just stray
Love
I don't know
I come incomplete
I won't show
How I'm obsolete
And there is no better place to rot
than in the back of an insignificant mind
To slowly be reduced to nothing
ever wanting something way beyond
its perceived belief in belonging
And to feel held by an understanding someone
Someone, that someone doesn't exist
Someone, that someone is just a myth
And as this fades away
honest hearts won't play
and why did this we slay
Love
Do you remember
The night you cried on my shoulder
And I said everything will be okay
But it never is
No, no
It never is
no
It just won't change
No, no
It doesn't change
No
It's not okay, It's not okay
It's not okay, It's not okay
(It never will be)
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Canary word: Present
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,761 Reviews
Hey, Dreg! Jashy here for a quick review.
I like the start, but this stanza confused me:
Maybe because of two things, 1) the tense changed - you were telling a story that has happened; 2) this sentence just wouldn't process in my mind:
I don't think words say themselves. Pretend I made sense. (LOL)
The other nitpick would be this:
I don't think it would be easy to put music with that stanza. In my songs, I usually have long sentences, but that's because I maintain those longs sentences all through out the song. Unlike in yours, there's just this block of words in the middle. But it's not impossible to put music in this. It just wouldn't be easy. When I was reading it, it seems like it was a play-song or something soothing to the ears... slow?
You know what? I really, really like this piece. It's sad, and I'm a loser for sad pieces. (LOL) But regretfully, I cannot help you with that. It's just, I've got too much on my plate right now, and I wouldn't want to draw back. That would be awful of me to do. So now, I'll just have to say that, I'm honored of the offer. I'm truly flattered that someone asked me to sing his song. But like I said, I wouldn't want to make anyone expect something of me when I knew in the first place that my schedule will not let me be able to do ti.
Keep on writing! =)
Jash.
PS sorry for the flow of the mind review.
Dear dregymayfield i would like to say amazing job and would like to point something out. When you use the words that are combined like don't why do you put it as don/'t? I am not trying to insult your writing in any way I was merely curious and wanted to point it out. If its a spelling error I would encourage you to fix it and if there is a unique reason for using such as it is I would be very welcomed to hear it^^ I want to say you did amazing and made me cry a bit which is always a good thing when it comes to me. I hope to read much more from you when I have time. Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!
Soulkana<3