Published May 21, 2011
If I told you today, exactly how I felt,
Could you dare to say the same back?
Could you hold me, forever, under the stars,
Just as I’ve always wanted?
I would get down on my knees and beg
If you’d just tell me how you feel.
Am I just crazy, insane, wonderfully in love;
Or could this be something that might be real?
I’ve been hurt in the past, you know that’s the truth,
But I’m ready to let that all go.
Now could you dare to give us one simple chance,
To possibly let our love grow?
I do apologize, for I can see,
That I’m putting you on the spot;
But I can’t just not think of you, of us, together,
Without at least giving it a shot.
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140,590 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
Hello! Just a quick review! I'm not going to comment on grammar and punctuation and what-not, becuase a few other reviewers have already done so. This piece was decent. But the topic is awfully cliched. I agree with the first reviewer, who said that this was inconsistent. Either rhyme or don't rhyme. Use some more imagery. I know you're trying to convey emotion, but I honestly wasn't getting any. If this 'storyline' is close to your heart, I'd re-write it, because in my opinion you haven't exactly done it justice. Sorry for the harsh critique! Just my opinion! Thanks, keep writing!
~ Amelia
Hello, dreamsingray! Overall, I think this a nice little poem! I find the length appropriate and a universal message that everyone can relate to!
However, my only criticism is in the beginning of the poem:
"If I told you today, exactly how I felt,
Could you dare to say the same back?"
What exactly are you feeling? I just find that one little part to be a bit vague; perhaps add a little imagery there instead? The choice is yours though, of course!
Besides that, again, well done! Keep writing!
I like this; it speaks of betray and second chances. I also love the fact that it’s about love grate.
I think it is beautiful. The perfect length and really meaningful. you are an amazing writer keep writing good job
Hola, Dreaming! Welcome to YWS! *hands over a complimentary YWS teddy bear* (Now that I think about it, I do believe there is a YWS teddy bear available if you click the YWS Merchandise link under the YWS heading on the navigation bar.) *random*
Anyways, on to your poem and on to a few little nitpicks!
There’s a lot that troubles me about this line. Mostly it’s the use of the double negative “can’t not” along with the use of the word “just” in there. I would recommend just saying “can’t stop thinking.” It’s not nearly as clumsy sounding.
I’m not sure if it’s just me but “could not” is a really funky sounding phrase, probably because “would not” is a more commonly used phrase. It’s really just something I thought I would point out more than nitpick I guess.
Overall, I do have to say that love is easily the biggest theme you’ll see in poetry. I’m not sure who decided that but it’d just been that way. If you’re going to write romantic poetry, take a line from Explosive_Pen and use some more creative and probably even out there imagery like she does in her poem “These Words Don’t Fit. It’s a love poem but never does she come right out and say “love” at all in the poem.
On to your question. Does anyone think I should show this to him? I’m not normally one to be a pessimist but I wouldn’t consider showing this to him. For one thing, unless you’re actually dating him, saying things like “love” can really frighten a guy off. So, from my point of view, I don’t think you should let him read this. Give it some time and if a relationship developes between the two of you, then by all means, let him read this but if you do it now, I would be afraid to scare him off.
If you have any questions or need anything at all, I’m here to help! Edits or a second look! Whatever you need!
Hey there!
Okay so this is basically a very good, beautifully written poem, and at this point in time I have only one small piece of criticism for you, and here it is.
I noticed that you started this poem without making it rhyme, which is fine because there are plenty of poems that don't rhyme and some of the best ones ever written didn't, but then towards the end you all of a sudden started rhyming it.
That's the only thing wrong with this poem is that it's inconsistant.
That's all from me,
Smashles