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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Keep Running

by dreamerfever


She kept running faster and faster. She heard the trees rustling not to far behind her as the branches grabbed at her body and tore her skin. Barely breathing ,she screamed for help over and over again. There was no response and she knew it was just he and her in these woods. Her legs were getting heavier and she felt lightheaded. Suddenly the rustling behind her stopped. She ran a little farther and looked behind her. Noone was there. There was no sign of any life form other than her own. It was silent except for her heavy breathing. Suddenly ,a branch snapped from not to far in the distance.


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Mon Jun 28, 2021 10:32 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

She kept running faster and faster. She heard the trees rustling not to far behind her as the branches grabbed at her body and tore her skin. Barely breathing ,she screamed for help over and over again. There was no response and she knew it was just he and her in these woods. Her legs were getting heavier and she felt lightheaded. Suddenly the rustling behind her stopped. She ran a little farther and looked behind her. Noone was there. There was no sign of any life form other than her own. It was silent except for her heavy breathing. Suddenly ,a branch snapped from not to far in the distance.


OKayy...its a little hard to tell exactly what this is meant to be but judging from the tone I'm assuming this is either a prologue or a first chapter of some sort, perhaps even a first paragraph here considering it is a pretty short little paragraph that you've got here. At any rate, if we most past that one and to the paragraph itself, well, for the tiny scene that its trying to convey, it truly does do quite a wonderful job here. I love the sense of the whole paragraph seeming to be in constant motion which really fits with that theme of constantly running and as a reader you really get the sense that everything is just constantly running here.

I also love the way that the jungle she's running through appears to almost be a character here that's also actively trying to stop here. It gives the whole thing an even more active feel here...which makes it an even more powerful scene. On the whole, I really loved this scene, you can feel the intensity of what's going on and it gets your adrenaline flowing there to read this scene here. It doesn't quite seem to be doing much more than just being an awesome running sequence but well..for what it is, its an awesome running sequence....it just kinda seems a little random here. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Wed Oct 01, 2014 12:16 am
KimLovesU wrote a review...



Hello, I really loved this piece. Very mysterious! I'm guessing it's a prologue for a novel you will write later. I just found a few mistakes in your text.

I noticed that you put your commas a little too far than they're supposed to be.

In the sentence: "She heard the trees rustling not to far behind her as the branches grabbed at her body and tore her skin."

You don't need the "at", it's unnecessary.

"There was no response and she knew it was just he and her in these woods."

I don't understand this sentence. Before you said that trees were running behind her, so why did you use the "he". Who is this he? I think it would be better if you just said that she was alone in the woods.

"Noone" isn't a word. I think you meant no one. But don't worry that's a common mistake.

The "to" in the last sentence should be "too".

I suggest you continue on with your story, I might read it!

-Kim




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Tue Sep 30, 2014 11:13 pm
beans wrote a review...



Are you planning on writing more? If so, I would suggest writing on another program such as Word or Celtx, that way you always have access to your work outside of this site. I pretty much just copy and paste from my Celtx document and don't have to write everything on here. This just feels a little lacking to me.

There was no response and she knew it was just he and her in these woods.


Wouldn't it be "but" she knew she wasn't alone? I get what you're trying to say here, but I think the language used is kind of conflicting.




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Tue Sep 30, 2014 11:11 pm
krazywriter wrote a review...



Hello! Welcome to YWS! Interesting piece you got here! So intense! Just a few things I noticed that could be improved.

"She heard the trees rusting not to (should be too) far behind her..."

"Barely breathing ,she (should be breathing, she) screamed for help..."

"There was no response (comma after response) and she knew..."

Consider revising "he and her"

"Her legs were getting heavier (comma) and she felt lightheaded."

"Noone" is two words.

"Suddenly ,a (Suddenly, a) branch snapped not to (too) far in the distance."

That's all I've got for you. Overall, very good. I'd love to see where this is going! Keep it up!




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