What Are We?

THis was absolutely lovely. My only problem was the rhymes sounded forced. Although I wouldn't drop your rhyme scheme for anything. The rhyme scheme was restricting but it added to the beauty of your piece but you have to make some lines shorter or longer in order for this poem to have some rhythm. I suggest you read it out loud and hear if it flows alright. But anyway, great poem.

keep writing.

--Knightly

The theme is good, and you manage happy poetry very well.

"What Are We?



Dancing on the playful breeze ,

Resting in the notches of trees (I like this image but the word "notches" is too long. Try something like "boughs", as it will flow better.)

Sharing their sweet voices

Making only meaningful choices (Like what?)

Bright, clean spirits thrive

Within our universal beehive .[i] (These two lines are good. I love "universal beehive".)[/i]



Often we see only life’s troubles

And are told to blow bubbles

In a frustrated rage

We pick on the sage

Who unwittingly wishes to save us

From the sly devil’s cuss. (The rhyme here doesn't really help you. I'd try this poem without the rhyme so you're not restricted.)

As the young listen to what is told

They lose their virgin light and grow old. (Good line)

It is now too late

It has succumbed to fate

The wrathful world in its head (This line is unclear)

The mockingbird is dead." (This is a good last line, but I'd introduce the bird earlier, and come back to it at the end,as that would make this more effective.)

Hope this helps.

Jas

dreamer_of_the_stars wrote:What Are We?

As the young listen to what is told
They lose their virgin light and grow old What's virgin light?
It is now too late
It has succumbed to fate
The wrathful world in its head
The mockingbird is dead

i think this is great. it really moved me. i like poems and would like to see some more of yours. keep up the great writing.