untie me

Punctuation. You need it. Right around the "I'm bored" line, my brain shut down and stopped trying to comprehend this poem. A lot of this was due to the lack of periods. Another big part was the jumping around of ideas. For example, "I'm bored" comes out of nowhere and is never referenced again, making it seem like you put that line in the poem just so it would rhyme with "ignored". But you don't have a pattern to your rhyming, so I'm left wondering why there's so many oddly-placed (which strike me as unintentional) rhymes scattered throughout the poem.

Is this a rhyming poem or not? If yes, what is the pattern? If no, watch out for unintentional rhymes. They can really throw a poem off. In your case, the random rhyming doesn't throw the poem off, except when you have lines/phrases (like "I'm bored") that seem to have been shoved into the poem just for the sake of rhyming.

Going back to the ideas in the poem, you seem to have a basic outline of how they're connected (except for the "I'm bored" line), but the connections could use a bit of clarifying and describing. Description, or imagery, in particular is lacking in this poem; you use bland, ordinary nouns, verbs, and adjectives like "wings", "run", and "good", which in turn makes your poem bland and ordinary. It's simply not interesting, and so reads as generic. Try working in more descriptions of your ideas and their connections, and use more vivid words. It will make your poetry much stronger and more memorable.

Hi Dreambig_andeiita! I really like this. It flows well and sort of rolls of the tongue -- or mind, I guess, if you're reading it aloud. I sort of get the feel of what you're talking about though your words. Does this make any sense?

I read this quickly, so there might be more errors one is that there are no periods so it is just one big long run-on sentence. And yes, I made that a run-on on purpose. Of course, you have poetic liscense, but it's just a recommendation.

dreambig_andeiita wrote:or back off and Ill untie myself