Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
(I've reworked this chapter at least 4 times, so I'd like to know if it still makes sense and is entertaining, thank you)
A blade shaped like a saw, stained red in the blood of gods beneath the killers foot. A young man stands menacingly at the deathbed once called heaven, stating his name "Ex" before leaving his enemies to die. He approaches the final god,the sweat upon his forehead rolling off his face, refusing to move an inch as it lies elevated in mid air. The screaming and dying god's behind Ex moving slower and slower, until finally freezing alongside the sweat. The sweat pops as Ex continues to move at a normal pace, the heavens around him disintegrating into flame, yet his pace perfectly steady. As the flames begin to die off, blank faces stare down from the empty sky above.
Before the dream could finish, Ex woke up within his bed, his entire right forearm stained red- not by blood, but as if it was the color of his skin. Ex looked down at his right arm, trying to understand why his arm was red.
"Weird looking, isn't it?" A brown haired girl with freckles wearing a silver breastplate over modern looking t shirt and jeans said, staring down at Ex with a smile.
"M-Madison..." Ex groans.
"Save your breath. The regenerative opiates are numbing your nervous system until your arm is fully recovered. You'll start seeing things that won't make much sense, but it's the only way we'll get our power player back. We need you, Ex. Just fight through the visions, and everything will make sense again."
Ex simply nods, his head plopping back onto the headrest of the bed. Thompson, Madison's brother with nearly the same appearance but with a scar on his left eye and shorter hair, approaches with a vaccine in his hand.
"I"ve got the drugs, Madison." Thompson says.
"Thank you." She replies.
"Bring him back to us. We won't live this without Ex."
Madison swiftly stabs the needle into Ex's left arm, rushing to push the medicine into his body. She says goodbye one last time as his eyes close. As they open, Ex looks past an older version of himself, wearing a red cloak and wielding the bloody saw sword from the dream, staring at a skeletal dragon that planted it self just meters away from where the two stood.
"What are you looking at?" The older Ex asks.
"I need to kill... that." The younger Ex struggles to say his words.
"Is there nothing I can do to have you change your mind? Nothing?! That monster is responsible for everything that happened to me. To us! You really think a future where everything is destroyed is worth a temporary victory?"
"M-move!" Young Ex walks past old Ex.
The older Ex teleports backwards, pushing the young Ex onto the ground by landing where he stood. Old Ex points his sawblade at Ex's neck.
"You'll die if you continue. Is this really worth it?"
The young Ex grabs onto the saw blade, his hand slitting open instantly. However, he doesn't stop there. He continues to grab onto the saw blade, standing up completely and approaching the older Ex. His entire arm mutilated by the time their noses touch.
"My friends are worth it. No matter the cost."
"A foolish answer. Go on then. Kill it."
Young Ex pulls his arm back, the cells within regenerating and completely restoring his arm to full health, as he punched the old Ex, his body vanishing into dust. The vision ends. In the real world, he had his arm extended into a punch while sleeping. The regenerating red skin tone was no longer there.
"He's awake. Or... is he? He looks a bit off." Says Thompson.
"Ex, can you hear me?" Asks Madison.
"Yeah, I hear you." Ex grunts.
"Where are you from?" Asks Madison.
"Memramcook, Canada."
"Year?"
"2015."
"A couple off, but let's keep going. Who do you work for?"
"The Hollow Renegade."
"What is our current mission?"
"To assist the higher ups by clearing the path of undead leading up to the Orisha."
"That's two you've missed. Sorry, but we can't let you fight."
"What?! That was our mission!"
"You're wrong. The mission was for you to kill the Orisha yourself. It's what you've worked so hard for, is it not?"
Ex realized that what he was seeing was nothing more than a vision. Not from the drugs, but from his mind. Ex was already dead. Yet for some reason, his life kept repeating from this single moment. Losing his arm before his battle with the Orisha.
December 2012. It was the first day that anyone ever spotted a demon, and Ex was in for a surprise- as he was about to experience the first sighting firsthand.
Sitting down at a small blue plastic table, a mere 12 year old version of Ex clicks together red and green colored pencils.
"Mom..." He says to a tall woman wearing a brown rag dress, her face blank like the images in the firey dream before. Her hair breathed with the gentle flow of the wind that pushed out the cracked open window. Despite saying her name, she refused to respawn.
"Mom." He repeated. She still had no response.
"Mom!" Ex yells.
"H-huh? Where am I?!" She gasped.
"You zoned out again." Ex says.
The gentle breeze that once passed through the individual strands of his mother's hair threw a powerful punch, her hair flowing to the side before dropping back down to her back.
Silence radiated the room for a moment.
"Mom, I'm off to school." He spoke. He packed pencils and paper in his backpack before leaving. She simply stared blankly at the wall.
The bus took its time to arrive. As he stepped onto the bus, he felt a strange chill. It was as if everyone was staring into the depths of his soul, yet not a single pair of eyes met with mine.
"Good morning," He told the bus driver as he sat in the seat behind him.
"Good morning, Ex." He said.
Ex stared out the window for an hour and a half. Finally, the bus arrived. Ex carefully took his step as he descended down, and was quickly greeted by one of his best friends, Thompson.
"Yo, stupid! What's up?" Said Thompson as he punched Ex's arm.
"Stop calling me stupid. It's not funny." He replies.
"Aww, come on you dumby! Laugh a little."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're a real comedian. Anyways, where's Madison?"
"Madison he says! Madison!!! Oh great Madison, goddess of beauty, how I kneel down at your beloved feet! I, Ex, am but a mortal, and wish to wed thou and produce beautiful children!"
Ex gave Thompson a good punch in the arm. Thompson held his arm while mumbling an incomprehensible high pitched insult,.
"It's not like that. I mean, yeah she's really cool, but I'm not going to 'wed' her.
The both of them laughed, and walked with each other to class.
"So today class..." Said Ms. Adams as she marched elegantly around the room. Her dress was drenched in beautiful sparkles, and had a pink and purple color scheme. Her hair was braided and short.
"We are going to learn about-" The teacher was interrupted as the door opened. A beautiful young girl with long brown hair wearing a plain white t shirt and pink shorts walked in. This was Ex's other best friend, Madison.
"Sorry I'm late! I was busy doodling, and I totally forgot to show up for class!" She said while brushing some dirt off of her shorts.
Ex tried to stop himself from smiling, but he couldn't. As soon as he saw Madison, his entire day was brightened. She was such an amazing girl.
"Tell me, Madison. Do you believe your drawings are more important than your education?"
"Wha- no, that's not what I meant."
Ms. Adams hit her hand into Madison's face. Madison collapsed onto the ground.
"Focus on your studies. Do not miss school again over a drawing, or else you will be expelled."
Ex wanted to do something. He wanted to stand up and hit her back. But he knew he was too weak. In his town, children could be disciplined by any adult, including a teacher. It wasn't until Ms. Adams looked back at him that he realized his hand was in a fist, shaking angrily.
A bit of sweat rolls down Ex's forehead. He was absolutely terrified. Ms Adams simply stared at him, but it took him a moment to realize that she was literally staring. Not just looking, but frozen in place, the same way his mom would freeze when she was forgetting things.
He looked around. Everyone was frozen in place. Madison, Thompson, and all the other kids were trapped in time. As his sweat rolled off his face, even that drop of sweat wouldn't budge an inch, freezing in mid air. Ex softly touches the floating sweat, it popping and splattering onto the ground.
Ex faces toward the window, and freezes as well. He wasn't frozen like everyone else, but rather, afraid. Before him were a rows of jagged teeth complimenting a furious pair of lizard-like jaws.
"Wh-what the hell?!" He whispers under his breath.
The teeth began to move, slowly revealing the face and demonic eye of a moving, breathing, skeletal dragon. It's eye was glowing azure blue flames.
"Die..." It spoke.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey there! Eli here for a lovely review of your work!
The first thing I want to brag about is the description of this story, the first thing the reader sees before even opening to read this work. It would not stop them from reading but what was said there really confused me.
'Save everyone or save the one he loves'
So the ones he loves are not included in 'everyone'?
So in the end, these 'everyone' are different people not really every each person because you seem to not include the ones he loves in that category. Just a complex start already.
Just a small correction which is a minor mistake here! No biggie!
Do not forget the space after the commas and fullstops!
Here you totally changed from present tense to past tense. He was in a dream so I understand the reason why the tense was changed. But why not write the dream in Italics? Or use something else to seperate those two worlds. It helps the writer a lots! This part is just simply explaining his wonders why his hand is red. All over again and again. Talk about something else as well. Three sentences for his bloody arm is too much.
Most people will not call it a mistake. Smart enough people will get it right away and call it a day, not minding that sentence but grammarly it has a mistake that you pass on if you just do not know this rule or understand the meaning of it without realising it. After 'freckles' you need one comma. The comma before actions like 'staring' or whatever it is, a verb in countinuous form is needed if the one doing this simple action is earlier in the sentence. I can properly explain it with a example!
He is staring at her being a big idiot.
He is staring at her, being a big idiot.
In red, you have a sentence in which the boy is staring at a girl, the girl is an idiot!
In green, the boy is staring at the girl. And the boy is the idiot!
This is how the concept of the whole story can be changed. If it is left unnoticed.
Here you changed the past tense to present and here it is not so allowed. The last time I undderstood why, here it is just plain wrong. Stick to only one tense if possible and if it is all done in one timeline.
Same mistakes also in the work a bit lower.
Use only one mark in the end of the sentence.
Not the best to say to his younger self because this will make younger Ex want to kill this creature even more. And older Ex does not want that so this makes no sense.
Suddenly you talk in first person.
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What confuses me the most is that you tell us he is already dead by the time he is awaken and asked those questions. So I do not know so does he die in his vision, in his past? How does he talk with them if he was dead? Maybe returned back to life? Why he has amnesia?
Many questions who I wish to answer to next time.
Keep on writing.
Hey there! MJ stopping by for a quick review
To make god plural, you add an s, not an 's. 's makes it possessive. Also, this is a fragment, meaning that it isn't a complete sentence. I think that you wanted to say "The screaming and dying gods behind Ex move slower and slower. . . ", but by saying "moving" you turn the following words into an adjective clause, and then you lack a verb. There were some other cases where a similar mistake was made in the first paragraph.A couple of nitpicks before I jump into the substance of your chapter:
I'm assuming you mean "live through this." Again, just simple mistakes I'm trying to point out so you're aware of them.
The beginning made sense, but the line "That monster is responsible for everything that happened to me" seems like it would encourage the young Ex to try and kill the beast. Maybe, to dissuade the younger version of himself, older Ex could say "I know that the monster is responsible for everything that has happened to us, but he isn't worth your--our--future." That's just an idea. It's possible I'm misunderstanding this entire section.
One thing I noticed was your tense changes. Sometimes you would say "She said", but most of the time it seemed to be written in the present tense. I would keep an eye out for that when you're editing this piece and keep it in mind in future chapters.
I also felt as if this chapter was rushed. You had a lot of nonstop action, but none of the characters were introduced. The setting wasn't really set up right (see what I did there), so it just ended up making me feel, as the reader, confused and rushed. I would take some time to have some slower action, maybe when Ex is talking to Madison or some other agents about the current mission, and then jump into the action. The foundation wasn't laid before you started building the story, and I think that is what threw me off on some of the finer points of the story. Other than that, this was well-written and intriguing. Let me know when you've put the next chapter up, and I'll definitely check it out!
Best wishes,
MJ
Thank you SO much! Your review was a ton of help and it really helped me grow as a writer!
No problem. Glad it helped