the elementals (title curtosy of rocksmith)

I added the introduction because that's how the beginning of my book is right now. Unfortunately I have writers block so enjoy what i have so far.

Partial character introductions
Seraphina= a 14 year old stubborn girl with BRIGHT blue white eyes, an  EXETREMELY long brunette braid that goes down to the back of her knees and if possible it is always in a braid because its so long and thick and curly, her hair might be long but her height is not tall shes relatively short for her age and has the ability to control the weather and has a mark like a candle flame on the side of her neck which she tries to cover up with the ribbon Mickinzie=a timid 4 year old with jet black double dozen braids and a vast intelligence and the ability to see the future and although she doesn't have a mark on her neck whenever she goes into a vision her hair turns white and that is why she has to wear a Hood where ever she goesJose= a 18 year old guy with a little to obedient attitude and medium long jet black hair extremely tall and slightly built body and has countless abilities concerning his mind and he has the alchemical symbol for the mind on his neck                                  
Prologue
                I hit the ground running, turned a corner and bolted right into the scaly paw of an enormous animal. I tried to run in the other direction but it snatched me up before I could. "Let go of me!" I writhed " let go of me!" "Seraphina" I was so surprised that I stopped writhing and it said my name again  was about to ask how the creature knew who I was but before I could   I was back in my room. My mothers face an inch or two away from mine "Seraphina wake up!" She said to me shaking me. hard. "Let me go!" I shouted at her, my words carried out in rhythm with her violent thrashing."Oh! you're awake!" She stilled her frantic movements to wake me up and exclaimed " sorry its just you woke up your sister by screaming and scratching at the wall and she ran to my room to tell me and I got scared!" she was still holding my upper arms when she tilted her back and i looked around her and saw my baby sister clutching "puppy" to her chest with both arms and she asked me "Sissy are you OK" and ran to my bedside dropping the stuffed animal along the way my mother let go of my arms as Mickinzie wrapped her arms around my neck and i patted her back and glanced at the clock. it was 6:45 leaving me ten minutes to get ready for work so with my mothers help i pryed the 4 year old off and sprang off my bed and into the closet. i grabbed my ripped knee jeans and a black t-shirt and my silver half shirt which i made myself it reached to half of my rib cage and tied off just under the bust i ran out of the closet grabbing my sneakers and into the bathroom to brush and braid my knee length hair and put my two signature accessories the gold family prayer necklace which i never take off and a long silver ribbon used as a choker and tied off to the side i ran out of the bathroom to the stairs and slid down the railing and ran to the kitchen grabbing a cereal bar and kissing my mother and sister goodbye i ran out the door prepared for whatever the world had to throw at me.
Chapter 1First impressions
  “Hi my name is Seraphina I am here for the job opening to move boxes from the boats to the warehouses” I announced to a man across the table from me “Oh I’m sorry that jobs been filled already but I hear you are a brown belt in martial arts” he asked leaning both elbows against the table “Um yes that’s correct why?” I asked him interested in what he had planned“well as you know there are a lot of troublemakers in this line of work and I want you, Seraphina Charles to be one of the night guards and patrol the area to check for break ins along with Jose Oscars and the rest of your division” he looked at me with confidence and all but shoved me out the door saying something about how i was wasting his time i ignored it so i would have enough time to look for and meet my new partner until I earned some money at least. When i walked into the mess hall i searched for   a table to eat at when i turned around and i jumped because the girl that was there was not there a couple of seconds ago and i knew it"Hi I'm Missy! so your the new addition to the night guards division I'm one of the division myself so I'll help you out while your in with us"she looked to be my age a lot taller though she was and quite hyper if you asked me " so whats your name""Seraphina so how did you get into the night division no offense but you look more like the type to go to a help stop global warming rally" i said and we both laughed " oh do palates and study jujitsu" she started to walk across the room and i followed " so why are you in the night division?" she asked looking me in the eyes " I'm a brown belt in martial arts" i looked away from her to where we were going " i got kicked out before i got my black belt" i confessed the instructor had told the entire dojo about how my father had left and he compared me to him as if he were better so i used all the stuff i had learned from him against him till one of the older boys dragged me away from him " how do you get kicked out of martial arts!" she looked at me amusement in her tone of voice " you don't want to know" i said not wanting to explain my deadbeat dad to anyone he left and took my big brother with him when my mom was pregnant with mickinzie and that's all i cared to find out about him" OK so who did he assign as your partner" she asked me confused and wanting to change the subject" someone named Jose Oscars" i told her hoping she knew what i was supposed to do tonight " aw i feel bad for you he doesn't talk to anybody and when he does its like he reads your mind creepy right" she shuddered just looking at him she pointed him out and i went over to say hi and introduce myself he was a tall kid he had long jet black hair and looked seventeen maybe eighteen he had some muscles when i reached his table i noticed he was sitting alone i sat down on the table on his left side and when he noticed me i started to introduce myself he simply held up a hand to stop me "let me guess your name is Seraphina and you are my new partner" he looked up at me and smiled and took my hand all i could say was"how did you know that?" i asked him curious at how he knew my name before i said a word " you will find out soon enough" he mumbled " whats that supposed to mean bub" i was getting frustrated with this kid i had only just met him and i didn't exactly relish in being around him " nothing nothing its high time we go out and have a quick run through of the grounds" he said grabbing my arm and leading me out the door " hey man let go i don't even know you" i said extracting my arm from his grip" oh but you should i mean, i know you i know you very well" he said this like we had already met before today and he stopped and attempted to grab my arm again but i dodged out of the way and kicked him square in the chest sending him against the wall " don't ever say you know me you know nothing about me-" i never got to finish my sentence because that's when the roof was ripped off the building and a long orange head snaked in through the opening i didn't get a good look at it because Jose grabbed my arm and pulled me along down the hallway " come on we have to get out of here and get Mickie!" he announced i flinched hearing my baby sisters name " how do you know mickinzie" i demanded " just follow me " he lead me out the doors and into the warehouse yard still holding my arm he yelled " Darya!" and before i could ask who that was a white dragon landed in  directly front of us
Chapter 2Unexpected beginnings
"Whoa" i tilted my head back so far i nearly fell backward he tightened his grip when i tried to back away and started to lead me to the dragons side " uh-uh no way your getting me up there" there was no way i was going any closer to it i shook his hand off and looked at him stubbornly " its ride or be carried" he looked down at me with a smug smile on his face i just folded my arms across my chest defiantly and smiled back at him "you chose" he said and he slung me over his shoulder and carried me the rest of the way and (to my definite surprise) leaped onto its back in a single jump and set me down in front of him and i sucker punched him " hey that hurt" he rubbed his chin "lets go Darya" she vaulted into the crisp if not freezing night air  "where is your little sister so we can pick her up " i looked at Jose thinking he said it but he just laughed at me and i realized that he hadn't said it Darya had "you can talk!" i leaned forward surprised" yes i can never mind that where is your sister?" she asked again to numb to ask why we needed her i told her that she was probably at the house we had been in the air for ten minutes when i felt like we were being followed i looked back and sure enough there was another dragons looming behind us and i knew instantly that the fact he was following us was not good"another one" i said in dismay "it cant get any weirder than this" i thought to myself and i flinched when Jose answered my thought"oh yes it will, Darya we have to get out of here" he had to shout to be heard, she whipped her head around to look at what we were seeing an alarmed look in her large brown eyes she turned quickly and Jose just managed to grab the spike in front me and told me to do the same "hold on tight!" he shouted in my ear and she dived towards the earth and much my embarrassment i screamed then at the last moment she reared and landed in my back yard"I'll lead him away you go find your sister and meet me back here" she took off and i ran into the house to go get my sister and get out of there i knew that if i didn't get her out of the house we would put our mothers life at risk i opened the sliding glass door and ran through the house to my sisters room she was laying in bed sleeping so i packed a backpack with a blanket her stuffed dog and some food and water bottles and put a comforter around her and carried her to the door she laid her head on my shoulder and fell back asleep i opened the door and Jose came to see Mickinzie "you never met me but I'm your big brother" he looked at me when he said this the world started to spin around me "what!- you're my- you can't be!" when truly i believed him i just didn't understand it all"we'll explain later" i jumped when i heard Darya behind me "let's go! i lead him away but not for long" she lifted me and Mickie onto her back while Jose mounted by himself i settled myself with Mickie in my lap and we took off looking for a place that was safe enough for the night   
Chapter 3Explanations
when we had finally landed in the forest outside city limits i handed Mickie to jose and got down jose handed the 4 year old to me and jumped to the ground and landed one leg stretched the other bent and slid up and i sat down on a rock Mickinzie wide awake now and gaping at Darya from my lap"so your our brother" i asked him sitting with a glare for some reason i was furious at him   "is it a dragon" Mickinzie asked jose unfortunately saving him from answering my question"yes of course i am little one" daryas booming voice resounded through the forest and it scared Mickinzie so bad she leaped out of my lap and hid behind me putting me between her and darya "theres no need for you to be afraid little one i have no interest in hurting you whats so ever please dont hide from me im here to protect you" she said snaking her head around me to look at Mickie who wrapped her ams around daryas muzzle and giggled when darya lifted the 4 year-old  onto her back  and started to walk around with her to keep her occupied when jose started to walk away i grabbed his arm and he stopped "you have some questions to answer buster" he tried to extract his arm but i tightened my grip " first why are we here and second why do we need protecting?" i fired questions at him at a steady pace "first we're going to destroy that orange and black dragon you saw earlier and second his plans are to take you two from us and use you to conquer the human race that dragons has a history like no other which is also why we need to find his weakness and we need you to help us and we did not want to endanger your aunt by leaving Mickinzie there" he smiled satisfied but i was confused "wait she is not our aunt she is our mother" i said to him defiant of what he was saying "no she isnt i watched our mother and father die and before they died they asked darya to take care of us but she wanted you two to have as much a normal life as possible so she sent you to live with her sister but for darya to watch from afar and to intervene when nessacary" he reached out and put a hand on my shoulder and i felt like my head was being hit by a rock the world started to spin, i put a hand to my head and fell. the last thing i saw  was darya rush over Mickinzie's face showed concern "what happened!" darya leaned over me as the world faded to black
Chapter 4 unknown abilitys
when i woke up jose was sitting next to me and "what happened" i asked my head was throbbing when i noticed Mickie was no where to be found and niether was Darya "where are Darya and Mickinzie!" i was up like a bullet but right when i tried to stand i nearly collapsed againbut i didnt someone caught me but i was confused when i saw no one there "are you doing this?" i questioned the 18 year old with growing suspicion"yes i am you fainted before i was done explaining to you what you got yourself into" he answered my question as if i were dumb which i absolutely hated its something uncle used to do he always said that i was stupid for thinking that i would do anything with my life and this kid was grating my nerves emensly i walked over to him "we need to get something straight 1 you dont ever talk to me like that 2 i want all the answers to all the questions and 3 i didnt get myself into anything it was you who literally slung me over your shoulder and dragged me along" as i spoke a tide of rage washed over me that surprised me but i kept my face stiff "alright you want to know how i did that?" he asked me his face equally stiff " i want to know where my sisiter and Darya are first, then sure you can tell me" i asked sitting down on a rock beside him to calm down " ok first Mickinzie went with Darya on a scouting trip to plan the best route for us to take and i did that with my mind" he said as if it should have been obvious"what you dont expect me to believe that do you" i said rolling my eyes at him"I'm not lying. watch this" he said his eyes started to turn black and all the rocks and pebbles started to shake and a second later they flew into the air and swirled like a whirlpool of stones over our heads i stood not believing my eyes as the pebbles swirled at a gradually faster pace and i saw they were getting closer to the ground and i knew something was wrong "stop!" i shouted and all the stones fell to earth where they belonged "lets not do that again" i said greatful
and that is all i have for now hope you liked it please review and edit it please and thank you
                                                                                                                     
-dragons

Comments & reviews · 14
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User avatar
deepfreeze16
Review

Unfortunately I have writers block


I know how you feel. :( Anyway, everyone else did the reviewing now I do the chooseing. I liked this piece. The only thing I was confused about is putting the character profiles at the top of the story. It's better to give detail through the story of what the character will look like. It's what I do anyway. We all have our own ways of writing so do you. Like I said I enjoyed it. :) Keep writing.

~Freeze~

User avatar
Torigirl15
Review

there were a lot of run ons! also, don't forget, you don't necessarily have to use a period after each thought, try adding some commas in. don't have the character thing in the begginning, it will just create problems about who is who.
the first few paragraphs are very confusing, they jump from topic to topic too quickly. maybe describe the animal? and why does the animal speak? it was pretty good though! keep working on it!

User avatar
Adeera
Review
Adeera wrote a review · Sun Aug 01, 2010 1:01 am

hey !! i thought i would review again 'cause i read it over and so yeah anyway moving on!!

it's really good much better than the first draft but the only thing that bugged me was this line here


"and the reason for this is that it covers her bizaarre birth mark" ok honey your throwing that at us waaayyy too fast you don't even need this line. let us discover the mark don't just say "HEY LOOK!!!" from the start.

but i love your writing style it's really fun and fast paced great job!!

Hey Dragons,

I hit the ground running, turned a corner and bolted right into the scaly paw of an enormous animal. I tried to run in the other direction but it snatched me up before I could.
This I felt was a good introduction to the story. It caught my attention and made me want to read more.

saw my baby sister in her white nightgown and double dozen black braids clutching "puppie" to her chest with both arms and she asked me
A lot of this sentence is unnecessary. I didn't see a reason for describing what her sister was wearing, her hair colour and what style her hair was in. Maybe you could just explained her sisters concern without the info dump.

What I Thought Overall

You dont capitalize your I's. Your paragraphs are a bit packed with some unnecessary ideas. I liked the story idea. I think that the story could be expanded on. There are some punctuation mistakes, the grammar is a bit iffy but there is room to improve.

I liked the MC's voice. Although I didn't really get the 'Fantasy' bit of the story.

User avatar
katchaerin
Review

Hey there!
I love the way you started your story. It wasn't dragging. The way you started it captured my attention at once. :]

Seraphina= a 14 year old stubborn girl with BRIGHT blue white eyes, an EXETREMELY long brunette braid that goes down to the back of her knees and if possible it is always in a braid because its so long and thick and curly, her hair might be long but her height is not tall shes relatively short for her age and has the ability to control the weather and has a lightning bolt in the back of her neck which she tries to cover up with her braid

Jose= a 18 year old guy with a little to obedient attitude and medium long jet black hair EXETREMELY tall and slightly built body and has countless abilities concerning his mind and he has the alchemical symbol for the mind on his neck



I don't think introducing your characters this way would be good. I guess it's best if you introduce them in the story proper. But letting us take a peek on your characters made me think of what your story would be. I guess I'm gonna love this.

"Seraphina" I was so surpirised that I stopped writhing and it said my name again was about to ask how the creature knew who I was but before I could I was back in my room.


Eh? Okay. Try separating the sentence because it makes the thought confusing. XD

"Seraphina wake up!" She said to me shaking me.....hard.


I think there's no need for the ellipsis. XD

Hope it helps. :]
Kudos to the rest of your writing works!

-KAT <3

User avatar
Rocksmith Comment

title unknown until somebody helps me out to find one


Almost forgot one of the main points of your post :)

here is an idea...as it seems your characters have kinds of elemental powers, maybe 'The (insert appropriate number) elements/elementals' or 'The element bearers'. Hope that helps.

User avatar
Rocksmith Review

Hey there :) I would like to comment on your story, which I like very much. Especially the introduction, as it is very fast paced and gives the reader something to jump into with curiosity from the get go! Maybe I can point out a couple of things which may improve it however...

Seraphina= a 14 year old stubborn girl with BRIGHT blue white eyes, an EXETREMELY long brunette braid that goes down to the back of her knees and if possible it is always in a braid because its so long and thick and curly, her hair might be long but her height is not tall shes relatively short for her age and has the ability to control the weather and has a lightning bolt in the back of her neck which she tries to cover up with her braid


The fact that she has a lightning scar concealed by her hair reminds me alittle too much of a certain boy wizard we all know haha, so I'd only suggest you change the symbol.

I was back in my room. My mothers face an inch or two away from mine "Seraphina wake up!" She said to me shaking me.....hard.
"Let me go!" I shouted at her, my words carried out in rhythm with her violent shaking.
"Oh! your awake!" She exclaimed as she stopped shaking.


I loved your effective description of how Seraphina's voice jumped in rythm to the shakes her mother was giving her, but this paragraph repeats the word 'shake/shaking' alittle too often.

*I was back in my room. My mothers face an inch or two away from mine. "Seraphina wake up!" She shouted, as she shook me...hard.
"Let me go!" I shouted back at her, my words carried out in rhythm with her violent shaking.
"Oh! your awake!" She exclaimed, then let go of me.*

This is pretty much how 'I' would write this paragraph, but I'm sure you can come up with something much more colourful when your writers block dissapates haha.

Keep writing, take inspiration from everything around you and most importantly...dont forget to read!

User avatar
Adeera
Review
Adeera wrote a review · Wed Jul 14, 2010 8:54 pm

oohh thats really awesome and intense i love how you started it.
i'm not very good at grammar so i'm not gonna bother you with that but i did notice that lots of people are telling you "create the character as you go along but i understand how that can be really hard so here is some advice, when she gets out of bed have her go to her bathroom or something and let her describe herself as she looks in the mirror in example

i rolled out of bed and looked in the mirror on my vanity as i mulled over the dream that had scared me so bad, as i brushed out my ever long hair that i braided every day and let hang to my knees

it's not perfect but it's an example, describing your characters is really hard i know but it's also really fun, and remember the reader doesn't have to know what they look like in the first chapter let it drag out a bit.

great job Honey keep it up! :wink:

Mikey

User avatar
LadyPurple
Review

dragons wrote: Unfortunately I have writers block.

You are not alone with that. So anyway. I think it's too late to point out spots in need of corrections because people have already done that... But still the story seems interesting. Write on! And hopefully your writers block goes away.
#BF40FF ">~Lady purple.

User avatar
iceprincess
Review

Hello there! I'll be your reviewer today. :D

Nitpicks first! Sorry if I'm too harsh. :?

I was so surpirised that I stopped writhing and it said my name again was about to ask how the creature knew who I was but before I could I was back in my room.


I found this part a bit awkward! Try separating it into a few sentences. =]

"Oh! your awake!" She exclaimed as she stopped shaking,

#0040FF ">You're, not your.

Now about the story itself! I liked how you started the story --- it was really thrilling.

As this is a draft, and not the real thing itself, I think it is still acceptable to write down what the characters look like. But keep in mind that you should take away the character introductions when you continue the story, and try to work it in the story instead.

I really hope you get over your writer's block and continue writing. Keep up the good work! :D

-Rosie =]

Hey there, as you so politely asked for a review I am here to grant you that wish. :)

First of all, this was a very nice beginning. Straight away you caught my attention and packed quite a punch with a dramatic start, so well done for that. I can easily imagine it in my head as the start of an action movie. I understand your reasons for the short character summaries, but I feel they aren't necessary to publish on there. Keep those private, but they are a very good idea to have just so you get a character accurate.

I hit the ground running, turned a corner and bolted right into the paw of an enormous animal.

It would be nice if you described the animal or its paw here. Just to give your readers a feel for the story a little more, and to paint a clearer image.

I tried to run in the other direction but it snatched me up before I could.
"Let go of me!!!!" I writhed " let go of me!!"

Woah there Nessie, theres no need for the overuse of exclamation marks, it gets a little annoying. One is enough, we get the point.

"Seraphina" It said my name over and over again before I could demand how it knew my name

This part reads a little awkward, particularly the repeating of the phrase. Try re-phrasing it somehow, e.g. 'I found it odd that this creature knew my name, although I was too busy trying to escape from its vice tight grip to ask why..' Or something along those lines.

I was back in my room. My mothers face an inch or two away from mine "Seraphina wake up!!!!" She said to me shaking me.....hard.
"Let me go!!!!!!" I shouted at her my words carried out in rhythm with her violent shaking.
"Oh!! your awake!!!" She exclaimed as she stopped shaking,

Again there is a slight overuse of punctuation here, there is a rule of three for these '...' no more than one '!' or '?' is needed at a time, but I understand the point you were trying to get across. Also, were you supposed to end with a comma rather than a fullstop?

With all that said, I honestly enjoyed it. It captivated me and I'm interested to see how it develops. Its hard to come up with a title by just seeing this paragraph, but if you add anymore or maybe have a vague story synopsis I'd be more than happy to take a look and help you come up with the right title. I never name anything til the end, and the title I give it is no more than a working title so that I can find the document easily.

Good luck!

xo

Random avatar
TheEnigma
Review

Just a question: Do you really need the character introductions at the beginning? I'm sure you can find a way to work their descriptions into the story. That's an important part of developing the story--developing your characters.
I really liked how you started off in this kind of panicky dream mode but then suddenly slid into wakefulness. Great use of italics there. Write on.

User avatar
Waterlilygirl
Review

Jose= a 18 year old guy with a little to obedient attitude and medium long jet black hair. EXETREMELY tall and slightly built body and has countless abilities concerning his mind and he has the alchemical symbol for the mind on his neck.


I hit the ground running, #FF0000 ">should be no "I" here turned a corner and bolted right into the paw of an enormous animal. I tried to run in the other direction but it snatched me up before I could

You've changed the tense in here, it went from; present to past.


"Seraphina," It said my name over and over again before I could demand how it knew my name I was back in my room. My mothers face an inch or two away from mine "Seraphina wake up! #BF0000 ">(too many, you only need one.) " She said to me shaking me.....hard.

"#FF0000 ">(No gap.) Let me go!" I shouted at her, my words carried out in rhythm with her violent shaking.

"#FF0000 ">(No gap.)Oh, you're awake!" She exclaimed as she stopped shaking.


It's an okay start. Keep writing! Just remember to fix these mistakes
Have a nice day,
Lily



i understand why roosters scream in the morning
— SpunkyMonkey