The beginning of the end
Such a cliché
Yet it proves to be right
At the end of each day
As the sun leaves the sky
The moon takes its place
The darkness adsorbs the light
Without leaving a trace
The sun and moon
They shine with love
Both start something new
Both beautiful as a dove
Yet the moon is in the dark
And the sun in the light
The moon gets wolves
And the sun gets kites
Doesn’t seem to fare
That the moon lights the night
And the sun warms our bodies
We don’t see the moon and all its might
Yet the moon lets us know
That the day is done
And the sun shows
That it’s only begun
So these two sisters
Both beautiful as can be
Love and work in harmony
They work together
To share the load
Of the 24 hour day
They work in a code
As one gets tired
The other appears
To give their sister
A break from their career
This wonderful family
All love and no hate
Work together
From date to date
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140,216 Literary Works • 673,044 Reviews
Hiya,
I like this a lot, it was really nice. You should make it longer, and add some more emotive language to it.
I love te way you use the word cliche in a cliche way in order to prove the point that there's a reason it's cliche. If that made any sense at all
Normally rhyming poems don't sound too good and they sound a bit forced, but actualy you did a good job here. Any cliche that is in the poem sounds intentional, which is very good, as it takes that factor out.
I love this! It's such a good topic to write about. It's easy to sound meledramatic when writing about topics such as this one but you didn't do that. I also love the next stanza and the way they flow together. You did an excellent job of making them flow easily together.
Overall I really liked this poem, keep working on it until you are 100% happy with it!
HAYLEY
xx
I loved the topic that you choose to write on. At first I thought that you were reffering to sky sisters as the sun and the moon and then you get into the real sisters and im like 'oh.' It was good and it flowed perfectly together except for some parts in the poem. overall I rate it a nine out of ten.
good job:)
That was amazing! I love the subject, I love your descriptions, I love it! The only thing I found was a mis-spelling of the word fair, which was spelled fare in the poem, but other than that, awesome!
This was nice. It was very descriptive. All I can say, critique-wise, is that some of the rhymes were pretty forced:
[quote]They work together
To share the load
Of the 24 hour day
They work in a code[/color]
This one was probably the worst of them. It doesn't sound natural, so maybe word it differently. Change the rhyme if you need to, since "load" isn't the only word that can be used here. Play with it a little, use what sounds natural.
Great job. This was a really nice piece.