This is my first shot at poetry... I was in a really weird mood today during my biology class....
Shivers down my back,
Lightly trailing my spine
All reacting to your presence
As you approach me from behind.
Your light breathing,
Your light footsteps,
Send tremors through me,
As you approach me from behind.
Your heartbeat quickens,
Your fingers tremble
Your lips start twitching,
As you approach me from behind.
Your hand rests on my shoulder
You whisper the words any other girl would love to hear,
Your teeth graze my earlobe,
As you approach me from behind.
I run and scream,
I pathetically cry,
Please don't do this,
Please don't try
As you unlock ancient memories sealed in my mind.
All this and nothing more,
As you approach me from behind.
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Canary word: Present
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I liked the way you created the scene, but like said above repeating the last line is a bit over bearing, but otherwise it does add a good feel to the poem. Although, I think you placed it in the wrong section, it sounds more narrative than anything else.
So, that's about all I have to say at the moment, so I'm going to stop typing now.
I think you've got a pretty thing going here, there's just a few problems with rhythm, try making it flow a little more.
Honestly, that's pretty dang good for just starters, keep the writing going!
I also think that you could work a little on imagery, I want to really see what's going on--
Overall, I think the major thing is making things clear. You've got a good start at the beginning, I like the idea you've got on this--but perhaps you could make the middle and ending a little more clear, better imagery might accomplish that.
Okay, done with the critiquing
Wow! Great for a first shot!
I did like the use of anaphora and repetition here but I felt you overused it. Keep to the rule of three! However, the last stanza was particularly effective, I felt.
You could also explore with more imagery, and watch your punctuation: proofread your work once you've finished. On the whole, good work.
6/10
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