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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello. I love your poem, it is beautiful yet simple and you have maintained the balance throughout. I only have a few comments.
- Great way to introduce your poem. However, I am slightly troubled by the repetition of the word "weak." There are so many interesting synonyms that I wonder why one would use the same word twice. Perhaps you have your reasons for your word choice, but I personally enjoy variety.
- I think this should be "what is a king without #FF0000 ">his throne." The use of the pronoun "it" implies non-sentience and this king, being a very remarkable presence in this piece, should be addressed accordingly.
- The first line is a bit choppy. The content is well and good but you've lost the parallel sentence structure you established. That is, one adjective per noun. Keeping with parallel sentence structures may seem pointless, but your flow is damaged by not adhering to the pattern. "Sad and Long faces" is the problem segment. I do like it though, so I am not sure which adjective to remove. What do you think?
Also, I am wondering why you do not choose to separate this into stanzas. Have you considered this? I do believe that the timing and the sequence of events in your poem could be much clearer by using stanzas. Generally when people choose not to employ stanzas, all of the writing involves one action (a thought, a feeling, an actual movement) elaborated on. However, yours takes us many places and covers many different plains. Therefore, perhaps stanzas would be a good idea.
Anyway, your poem is very powerful and very lyrical and your style is established and smooth. I think you have a very good chance of getting it published.
Aelita