E - Everyone

Luna Stark

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Luna Stark is a young looking girl, she had brown, long luscious straight hair. Fangs who have been asleep for the past century. She tried to moved her arms and legs from side to side. She was tied up. “Help. Help me. Someone please !” She yelled.

“Luna, Luna! Calm down.I am your butler, Sebastian.”

“What am I doing here?”

“You are a vampire.” You have been asleep for the past 100 years.

Luna looked so confused. She didn't know where she was. She had no idea of who she was and what had happened in the last 100 years.

Looking down at her hands she saw battle wounds. She asked Sebastian, “why am I tied up?”

Unbuckling the latches he began saying,“Sorry, it was precautionary measure. Before you fell asleep, into what I call metamorphosis, you were running away from a strong force, a very strong army.” The N.A.V.C. The National Association of Vampire Chasers. They are after you because of your tattoo. It is a birth mark”

What you don't understand is that your twin brother Jason became the leader of the N.A.V.C. He has a big grudge against you. Your brother is not a vampire. He despise anything non-human. When you were born your parents knew you were a vampire. You were born with the tattoo. Your parents hid it for years but one day your brother saw it. He knew that he had to do everything to kill you. That's when you were put asleep and you're full image to become a vampire-human began.”

“And my parents? Who are they I can’t remember anything?” she asked with ambition

“They were killed by the N.A.V.C.”

“And Sebastian may I ask? Are you a vampire?”

“Yes, but not like you. You are a pure blood, very rare. I am not a pure blood my mother was not a vampire. Neither was my father. My grandfather was a pure blood. Every other generation is a vampire which makes you rare.

“Then why isn't my brother a vampire?”

“He has evil in his heart.” But a power was given to him. He is immortal.” He can't die unless an Iron rod is pushed through his heart and burned. Same thing goes for vampires.”

How do you know so much about his stuff?”

“Enough it's time for your training.”

“Training?”

“Come I have to show you something.” The windows were covered up with cardboard and tape. Removing one of the cardboards she saw it. Everything, she saw it all.We were in the middle of the city. Enormous buildings surrounded them, so high Luna couldn't see the end."Why would you stop me from seeing this? Why was it covered?

“The light harms a vampire at first sight.” “You could die if you saw it right away”

“What is this place, where am I at?”

“You are at Los Angeles” Sebastian said with fear as if he didn’t know what he was doing.

“Luna I must confess something to you. I was friends with your parents. I was their buttler since before you were born. I betrayed them.”

“How could you?” Luna exclaimed with anger and resentment. As if the whole world had turned around in circles. She hated Sebastian. And she began to wonder what the world would of been like if she had her parents. How good it must feel to be able to hug them and tell them that she loved them. Feel the tenderness in their hearts and the bravery in their hands.

“Tell me more. Before I kill you I want to know why and how am I am still alive?”, she said pushing him up against the wall and releasing her fangs for attack.

“ Ok, just let me go for now. I turned in your parents to the N.A.V.C. when I found out that you were born with the birth mark, I knew that someone had to do something to stop it. They were killed, when they killed your parents, you were left to die in a cupboard. Over time your body didn’t begin to smell. So, checking upon your body they saw that you were alive but a ghastly smell filled the cupboard. You were still alve!”

“You are lying!” Luna exclaimed That can’t be true. I have to kill you for betraying my parents.”

“ No Luna you can’t. I am the only person you can trust in this world.”

“I can’t believe you betrayed my parents. What if you turn me in and I can't have that from you.”

“No Luna wait I am the only one you can trust other people will turn you in. I know I betrayed your parents that is why I am helping you now.”

******

Jason had to face his sister once again, to face Luna for “the actions she committed .” He thought of her to be the worst kind of creature there was in the world.

As a child Luna never knew what waited for her behind the big wooden doors. She had been locked up, had no childhood friends.

Luna had no special emotion whatsoever towards Jason's controversy. Sebastian and Luna had a special bond now that she was his apprentice, they would fight alongside in order to kill all the hatred that had driven her brother hysterical. Jason had wanted to strive for the better. “I swear that one day I will drag you to your grave where no one will be able to save you from the pain of dying all over again.” As Luna heard Jason say these painful words, she went into complete shock. “You have no right to be so mean to someone who has no fault at all for the things that happen in the past.”

Luna suddenly had a flashback, as a child Luna has to undergo the fact that Luna's mother did not love her. Her father left at a really early age leaving their mother pregnant with the twins. This took no effect on Luna but caused great sorrow in Jason's heart. However, this was one of the many reasons behind why he hated his sister so much, Luna looked very much like her mother and Jason took his father's looks. Luna's mother's name was Lilith White, she had the gentle touch of a feather, the humble look of the innocent, and the gaze of a sapphire gemstone, she was completely prepossessing. Kade Stark, the father of the twins was a very handsome man, despite that he left Lilith and the children in order to be free, he had no real intention of creating

family.

Unborn, Luna and Jason did not know their father, Lilith had always described him as he was, an adventurous man waiting to be called on.

As a child Luna had always kept quiet, not a single word came out of her mouth.

“Luna, are you alright would you like to talk or do you need a maid to come attend you?” But Luna just stared at her mother blankly, soulless with the eye color of Red Beryl.

Although Luna's mother had always pretended to love her she didn't, she only loved Jason because he was the child she had always wanted “a normal child”.

Now that Luna had to face her brother she stood there with the blank expression she had given her mother. Jason did not waste his time, as his hand slipped towards his back pocket he froze. Not able to make a move, that was when Luna said,”now it's your turn, my beloved brother, to face your sins.”Luna's gleam awoke his deep desire to be next to her. As he slowly let down his hand, she hurried to bite his pale neck. His blonde hair slipped to his eyes, knowing what was next.

“Wait! Before you make another move, let me confess that that woman is not my mother. I have hated you for so long because she, Lilith is the mother I have always longed for.”

Luna suddenly falls to the ground scraping her untouchable pale skin,“For the first time in my life I feel emotion. I feel anxious, mad, happy, or was it all my anger. What have you done, do you not realize what will happen to you 'Jason?

As tears roll out of those soulless eyes suddenly becoming animated with a bright shine, like a red ruby gemstone.

Shutting down quickly with anger, she knew she would have to change him, forever.

*******

It was for your safety. The thoughts that were going through her mind had shocked her when she saw the television announcing a project that was happening in Los Angeles. Government who is trying to protect humans from vampires. On the other hand, Jason did not expect him to having a twin sister who was a vampire, but he has some abilities that vampires have at night that look perfect when there are no lights on. Jason was becoming powerful by the government army to control many riots that have been happening at the streets of Los Angeles. Although, Luna had been experiencing receiving strange feelings on her body. "What happening to my arm why does it keeping stinging so many times when I am trying to keep my body cold temperature," Luna was thinking then things started to received strange after that night when Sebastian has served Luna so long after the death of her parents when he was a younger man. At Luna's house have been experiencing weird movements in the hallways and living room whenever Luna past through the hallways the windows were open by the wind strength that gave her goosebumps with the presence of a strange person running at night as a shadow spying on her. Sebastian saw the shadow face to face that night he was struck down from the shadow who pushed him with its strength to the wall, but Luna wasn't there at that night she was on top of a building gave her a view of Los Angeles. Luna saw people running to a wall of police who trying to capture civilians for an experiment for scientist to create creatures to find vampires that are trying to be like humans in the city.

Cars getting into fire then enamours police cars that have a capsule to lock people up but they started break into houses to get younger kids.

******

I can feel my head hitting the floor after falling out of the car after it had crashed into the tree, "damn that hurt. Jesus." "Hey", shouted a voice coming from the building. "Hello, is there anybody there. I just heard you-" I paused because I heard a gunshot. "I found you now" "What the hell, who are you", I asked with a nervous voice wondering why he was firing at her. "Hey would you stop firing that gun at me. I don't even know who you are or what you want with me but would you stop trying to kill me", she kept running and could hear him right behind her trying to kill her. He started to say something she couldn't fully hear, "- you don't remember me do you Luna" "What? How do you know who I am?" " I know more than your name" There was silence for about a minute until he started to talk. What he said made her want to know how he knew what I was " I know that you are a vampire that was put to sleep by your parents and your lover." I tripped over a stick and fell on my knees. "Now you are all mine and the bounty shall be-" "WAIT! Please don't kill me. Tell me, how do you know who I am, what I am and where I came from?", " I can not say", "Why?" "I was told if I ever found you to never tell you, but your parents are the ones who sent me to kill you. Or should I say our parents." "What do you mean our parents, and what do you mean that they are the ones who sent you to kill me? Why would they do that? They loved me, didn't they? How did you even survive for that long in the first place, it been over a 100th years?" " Well you see I am just like you, a vampire that was put to sleep but with a mission. A mission to assassinate you." "Well you're not a very good assassin because first assassin are quiet and when you found me you just yelled out I found you.

"Enough talking already damn it, I'm just going to kill you know and be over with all of this crap." "Not without a fight you are." He pulled out a knife and tried to stab me. I dodged it and got up. "So you want a fight then, then come get me" It going to be hard for you to win this fight because I got this life." "Well if you were a real man you wouldn't fight with that knife." " Well I'm not a real man, remember I'm a vampire." "Hey, that doesn't make you any less of a man. It just makes you stronger than most men." "It would be better for me to kill you with a knife, well better for me and worst for you, oh well.

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Sujana
Review
Sujana wrote a review · Sat Dec 12, 2015 6:37 am

This review would grow as long as the Yangtze river if I were to use my standard model, so instead I'll use an entirely different model for this one work: the Top Five Things That You Probably Should Work On and the Three Things I Genuinely Thought Could've Been Used to Your Advantage But For Some Reason Wasn't.

Top Eleven--
5. Plot. I'm not one to point out the lack of originality in a plot as I do believe any plot can be redeemed by good characters, but if I don't get this out there soon it'll plague the rest of this review: vampires have been used to death. If you are going to make a vampire story, try not to rely on the plot; even if it was genius, the reader has probably seen it some time ago.
4. Plot development. Reading this, I figured out soon enough that this is not a short story--it's a trilogy trying to act like a short story. There were too many characters that disappeared somewhere in between, too much backstory that never seemed significant, too many plot points that amounted to nothing. Tip; if you're about to write a short story, pick a conflict and stay on that conflict. No matter how good you are, you can't juggle book-wide issues in less than 10 thousand words. In this case, I suggest sticking on the conflict between Luna and Jason, but that's for later.
3. Point of View. What happened in that last part? Why are we suddenly reading a confusingly-formatted dialogue between Luna and (I think) Jason, with Luna as a first person protagonist? Unless you have a specific reason for it, do not switch a third person to a first person POV. Either pick one or do something clever with it.
2. Pacing. From the first sentence, I had no idea what was going on. It's sort of weird, as though I very much wanted to leave, I was so compelled to hear an explanation as to why Luna was tied up, why Jason hated all vampires, what is going on in the government, and how two non-vampires can have a pureblood baby (I mean, I'm not a biologist or anything, but I'm going off the assumption that vampirism is a recessive gene and that both parents had vampirism in their blood, thus causing a miraculous vampire baby [sorry if I'm doing the math wrong], but would you really call that pureblood? In that case, what are half-blood vampires?) that I had to find the answers somewhere. And I did. But none of them make sense to me, as everything's going the speed of sound and the reader just doesn't get the chance to digest anything.
1. Characters. This also has something to do with the pacing of the entire story; all of the character development seemed to be cut off and left the reader with Strangers On the Bus--interesting people with intriguing motivations that we know nothing about. The backstory and plot (look at point five) seemed to drown the characters out completely, which is what you probably don't want. Let your characters develop. Introduce the reader to the characters. Make the reader befriend the character. This is probably the most important element in a story like this, and if you do not pull it off, the entire story will fall apart.

Top Three Things You Could've Used:
3. The Childhood Conflict. 'Mama loves me best' issue? Present. 'Grows up to be a bloodthirsty monster'? Here and accounted for. 'Disappeared Dad'? Hallelujah to the Lord almighty, is it harvest season already? Look at this potential drama ripe for the taking!
2. The Unidentical Twins Conflict. Ask yourself: if your sibling turned out to be the one thing you hated the most, how would you feel? This would be even better if Jason and Luna had a solid relationship at one point, where the two of them were just twins, and genuinely loved each other. Being torn apart by beliefs would make the greatest conflict of any short story.
1. Jason and Luna in General. You have two potentially good characters, and while they do take the spotlight, I felt it wasn't highlighted enough.

This is a criticism, not an insult. You could choose to take it and modify it, or you could choose to ignore it. My last advice, if you are planning to ignore it, is to make it into a full-length book. That would keep all the current elements, and hopefully give it time to develop to its fullest.

Good luck. -EM.

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MemoryHunter
Review

Hi there, I'm here to review your work~
I'm not going to comment anything on the grammar because I tend to focus on the content of the work more and the writing style, but I will say that you need to edit it out. There are mistakes in capitalization, punctuation, etc.

Now, off to the fun part!
The beginning must hook a reader. For some reason, to me it didn't seem like a hook. I was thrown into something without knowing where the character was or what she feels really. Maybe you should try adding more details into the scenery, because in the beginning, I got confused. You started with information about the main character, and then you just jumped right in, saying she tried moving her arms from side to side. Have more details on the setting, then maybe It will be more interesting ^-^. Also, the dialogues are too long and dump too much information. You can try putting actions in between. I don't know. I just know that there is too much info dump to even take everything in.

Okay, writing style.
Your writing style is interesting. You sometimes describe things and compare them with things like Beryl, Sapphire... I love those shiny things! (Beryl also reminds me of Sailor Moon so that's a plus, aaaand we've drifted away from the review)

I like it but I don't love it yet. You need to hone it a little bit more and don't be too straightforward on things. Dive deep into your story. Don't be afraid of plunging yourself down. (I don't mean literally. Please don't do it literally)

That's all I can say. Sorry, I'm not much of an expert. ^-^

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Brigadier
Review

Hey there dmart2801. Welcome to YWS. Just lizzy stopping by for a quick review. I noticed that you had quite a few mistakes and the plot is a bit confusing so let me elaborate.

-Let's start with grammar, spelling and sentence structure. I know that I do not always get grammar right on this first try but your story needs revised. In the first sentence, you have a line that says, "Fangs who have been asleep for the past century." This sentence does not make much sense. In the best sentence you were describing the main character and now you have jumped to this idea. I think you might have been looking for the element of surprise with vampires, but it needs more support. Through out all of the paragraphs, you are missing spaces in punctuation. Please proofread or use a computer program.

-Second, your plot is jumping all over the place. As the reader I can not tell what is flashbacks and what is not. I think when you typed asterisks you meant for a flashback but they never seem to end. Your opening scene is pretty good but there are a few plot holes throughout. The last two paragraphs are also very confusing with the word choice and sentence arrangement.

It's a great idea I think it just needs a little bit of work.
-lizzy

I am really grateful to have gotten some tips on the whole story from you. This way I can reread the story and change my mistakes. Thank you.



“Though lovers be lost, love shall not; And death shall have no dominion.”
— Dylan Thomas