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A Man's Aimless Trek

by dmai

The boy eyes unopened walked up an upward slope grasping onto a stranger’s gentle hand in front of him his parent maybe and holding another from behind tiner yet angelic his feet tread the unyielding ground the cool dirt dirted his soles and slid themselves into the crevices of his toes calling it their home the daunting winds strikes the boy’s bare body beckoning for him to yield to their cruelty yet the boy took one step and then another then another the darkness fades as the boy sees the rising light within his eyelids proclaiming the beginning of a new genesis a pleasant warmth grew all through the boys body as the light grew brighter and brighter in his little world behind the shutters shades of red, yellow, and blue dances together in the former empty world the boy captivated by the beautiful spectacle of the mixing lights marches on toward the light filled with determination drip drop a cold spec pecked the boy’s nose the world roared a deep grumble the boy greeted with the return of the darkness the cold specs now freezing boulders batters the boy black and blue the ground which once stood hard and strong now yielded to the boy’s every step a flash of white light inside the boy’s world met with an ear piercing crack the boy felt a small tingle and the hand which he grasps stops for a few seconds before it tugged on him to keep moving again a horrid smell came into the boys notice he choked and gasps for air only to be again greeted by the smell of the plagued the hand in front of him grasped him tighter and quickened the pace the boy stepped on a soft yet solid lump different from the mushy ground the boy his grip on the stranger’s hand and fell face first into the ground’s great ocean drowning spitting out the mud which continued funneling into his mouth after every attempt to rid his mouth of it gasping for air flailing his arms in hope to randomly grasp onto the stranger’s hand again flailing and flailing he begun to hear the sweet whispers from below enticing him to fall deeper and deeper his arm lands onto the lump he tripped on and he pushed himself onto the top of it the deathly smell emitted from the object burned the boy’s chest as he took in deep breathes one after another but the boy didn’t care he breathed in and with another flash of white the boy’s world shattered and with that he was greeted with another outside his now opened windows he saw a strange dark creature approaching him and he retracts in fear the creature grabs the boy’s hand and began tugging him to move on the boy sensing the familiarity with the hand reluctantly gets up and followed the creature he looks back and he saw a similar but bigger creature lying on the floor slowly sliding down along with another smaller whiter creature the unending droplets splatters on the boy’s head and chest pushing him deeper and deeper into the sinking earth yet he trudges on the sky rumbled and sparked with crooked lines of light flashing from one sky to the next the corner of his sight the boy saw a distant shadow of a group of creatures similar to the one he was following then he noticed another and another all distant but were all surely heading in the same direction as he and the stranger the rain grew heavier and heavier and the wind stronger and stronger with each breath the boy drew in a suffocating amount of the salted drops shivering against the burning cold the boy wished to dig himself into a hole and lay there forever the creature his hand grasped however did not falter nor did it showed signs of stopping the creature looked into the farthest of distances above them shaking yet unwavering the creature continued it’s march upward pulling on the boy’s hand the boy gasping and wheezing with every breath he took it feels like gulping down a gallon of water tired the creature and the boy had since begun climbing with their one of their arms clutching onto the fragile ground as support as their legs pushes them upward against the unsteady floor bump a hard drop landed onto the boy’s bareback bump bump bump more came crashing down onto the boy’s frail and tired body pounding him on and on commanding him to fall the boy breathes out a white mist his life maybe with his teeth chattering and his body trembling with the angelic laughter of demonic beings surrounding him as the sharp winds howled and shoves the boy back and forth the boy looking downward grasps onto another piece of earth with his blackened cracked hand pushes himself upward not knowing why he continues to do so the creature he followed his mother maybe moved upward without hesitation what was she looking for what was she doing it for the boy’s mind wandered questioning the purpose of this cruel venture thump he heard a weird sound thump thump his chest got a little warmer the boy smiled with his cracked blue lips and attempted to clutch onto another piece of dirt to find a familiar soft touch he felt before a unmoving creature laid flat on his stomach the boy though surprised did not take a step back nor did he feel pity for the creature laying dead on the unforgiving raw earth and with a tug from his mother he pulled himself up using the dead creatures lifeless body slush slush the boy’s legs cut through the broken ice the once brown sturdy earth which he had once trekked had now turn into a formless mishmash of white and blue his legs have gone numb and his body was screaming to die yet the boy’s leg would not stop his mother who had once led him now followed behind “what is the man’s freedom” spoke a creature a man maybe maybe the boy is a man too the man blue all over afloat in the wintry ice looking blankly into the sky of falling tears “why do man cling to the burning hope of finding meaning” another spoke drifting down with the first “what is the absurdity man wishes for” another spoke “what comes after a man has found freedom” “the man who has yearned for freedom from the cruelty of his cage” “now finds it equally hellish outside” “with the direction of mans greedy yearning” “the man's world races to it’s destruction” the boy pushes forward against the opposing down flow of dead creatures who have replaced the surface of broken ice “men's short lived tomorrow” “in your hand a blade of a handpicked flower” the boy looked back his mother was gone in the depths of his palm which had once held her hand held a small leaf the boy tightens his grasp shedding the sadness from his heart and continues his move forward step step his foot stepped upon a hard rock the boy continued his trek up and there he saw another creature another boy maybe maybe he too was a creature man was it he was man maybe it didn’t matter the boy continued his climb upward suddenly with another step from the soles of his feet pain shot through his calves and coursed through into his entire being screaming the boy fell yet he couldn’t stop his climb taking another step and met again with a shot of piercing pain bracing himself with both of his palms on the marble surface trying to pull himself up he flailed his arm forward to find a lump on the stoney surface his hand was met with a familiar warmth the other boy had given the boy his hand the other boy named Tabris pulled the boy up and together hands held marched forward the light now scorching the boys skin the violent winds now blue knocked at the boys heart the stone ground burns the boys heels and with every step skin was left behind as proof to their march Tabris’s skin was melting into goo yet he smiles at the boy reassuring him that everything was okay the boy’s throat burned his body sweats out red as they both now left bloodied footprints there in front of them the end of the stoney ground now became a ground of the corpses of man further and further to the beyond Tabris and the boy steps onto the path of corpses and continued their ascent the devils murmur grew and grew with every bloodied footprint left behind by the two the sun blasts mercilessly and the boys skin no longer able to hold it’s shape has begun to yield and melt Tabris now but a shadow of his former beauty without hair without eyes red and yellow liquid dripped from his body with every move and with another smile he took the front the boy spoke unknown words of concern maybe love maybe yet Tabris did not look back and only tugged the boys hand forward the boy given the coolness in Tabris’s shadow felt his back cool and grow the melting liquid from Tabris has begun flowing onto the boys arm and resting and solidifying on the boys back to form wings Tabris stopped and pulled the boy onto him their mouths met together and with a push on the boys back Tabris waved his arm goodbye as he fell apart into mush the demons laughter rung through the non-existent skies in disbelief at man’s stupidity the boy continued walking forward stepping forward on the path of corpses there at the end was nothingness the boy Adam looked back at his vile pulsating wings and with a throb of a pained yet satisfied heart he jumped off the cliff of corpses toward the sun flap flap he soared through the burning skies drip drip his body melted more and more as he got closer and closer to the stars stupidity it was yet Adam was happy and after his third flap his wings fell off and down he plunged into the pit of corpses.

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964 Reviews

Points: 108750
Reviews: 964

Sun Jun 07, 2020 3:13 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...

Hi, Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night, (whichever part of the world you're in)

Oh boy! This was a mental workout to read! What happened to paragraphs? I hope this was some technical error and not done on purpose.

The boy eyes unopened"I think you mean closed" walked

tiner"that to my knowledge is not a word that exists in the english langage" yet angelic

boy sees the rising light within his eyelids proclaiming the beginning of a new genesis a "okay weird tense change"

your 'drip drip' 'flop flop' seems a bit off.

And that's all I could spot.

From what I could decipher of the story your imagery felt pretty solid. Just a chore to read without punctuation so please put that in.

Hope I didn't sound too harsh.

Stay safe in these troubled times :)

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200 Reviews

Points: 14056
Reviews: 200

Sat Jun 06, 2020 9:59 am
LittleLee wrote a review...

Hi, Lee here to drop a review. Sort of.

I'm sorry to say I gave up reading this after the first dozen or so lines. Like @IamI mentioned, I highly recommend you use paragraphs! The whole story is just a big block of text that I doubt anyone will want to read. Like I said, I gave up.
But more than anything; Why haven't you used ANY punctuation at all? There's quotations, apostrophes, and a single fullstop at the very end of the entire story. Even if you had not used paragraphs, punctuation would have made this decipherable! I can't tell where one sentence starts and where the other ends. Nothing makes sense, and I'm left feeling extremely confused and frustrated.
I'll give you this; your vocabulary and imagery (whatever I picked up in the first dozen lines, at least) are pretty fair. That's the one thing about this work I can dig out. Otherwise, I haven't even read it properly! It seems interesting enough, but you need it to be more appealing visually and mentally.
Also, the whole "flap flap flap" and "drip drip drip" and the other vague repetitions are quite bad and seem childish.
In the very beginning, what is "unopen" supposed to mean in this context? It does NOT mean he opened his eyes, that's for sure. I'm fairly certain it's a word that doesn't exist or is used only for very specific things.
I can't say I'm sorry if this was critical, because as a reader I did not enjoy this at all. I'm fairly certain you know how to use punctuation, at least the basics. You ought to have tried. Actually, I'm quite sure you know how to. Why you didn't will remain a mystery.

Currently, this is very unappealing, like I've mentioned already. I can see you have skill though, so I really suggest you use punctuation and paragraphs next time.

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42 Reviews

Points: 169
Reviews: 42

Fri Jun 05, 2020 11:28 pm
IamI says...

Hi. Just thought I’d leave a comment. I don’t have much deep to say. This is basically unreadable, I would highly suggest splitting it into paragraphs. Hopefully this helps.

The moral of Snow White is never eat apples.
— Lemony Snicket