Sonnet 155
Nature’s cruel day, as it turns into dark,
Thy beauty fades to become brighter light.
What night canst do to diminish thy spark;
The blackest sheet canst hide thy glory’s might.
But to my grief, thou hold’st not close my heart,
Instead she is thy one true love’s subject.
‘Tis her charm that stretches us fields apart;
Needless am I; the one thee so rejects.
Can I set thee free from my binding chain?
Leave me to see her world beyond mine arms;
When more dangerous than her poison brain,
Is small chance I may unto myself harm.
Yet to hold thy still for mine own desire
Shall only fuel thy departure ship’s fire.
D.L. Hanson
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello, rhia here to review!
THis is really great, really. And I don't say that a lot. I tend to cringe away from rhyming/ more structured poems on this site, because so often the scheme and format feels so forced, as if the writer was just making stuff up to fit the scheme, but not so with this one. I knew it was rhyming, but the fact that it rhymed wasn't glaring out to me. It was smoothly and seamlessly fit into the sonnet formating, andI am so jealous because I've been trying to write one lately and failing miserably.
You also used archaic diction very well, so props to that. Just like with the rhyme scheme, you managed to use something that most people make feel very fakey in a way that felt very natural. It went so well with the story being told here, and really brought out all the emotions conveyed, so great job.
My one nitpick is the word "canst". Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that you're using it as the archaic word for "can't/cannot". I read those parts over and over because I wasn't sure, but I'm pretty sure I'm right. Anyways, I looked up "canst" cause I wasn't sure if it was a word, and it is a word, but it is the archaic second person singular for "can", not for "can't". I would suggest finding the proper archaic word for can't. I tried to figure it out, but was unsuccessful.
Otherwise, this is lovely! Welcome to the site, you've made a great first impression on me! Keep writing, and if you have any questions about the site, feel free to post a message on my wall or PM me
I honestly have no idea what you meant by "It's bad." I don't think this is bad at all. I love this. I really, really love this. It flows excellently, and I love the rhyming you used. Trust me, I could never do something like this. I have nothing bad to say about this, at all. Splendid work! Bravo!
I can clearly tell what the person is feeling. In some odd way, I feel as though I can relate. Love is truly a hard thing, especially when you've been rejected by the person you love.