Young Writers Society

Hai :3

This is seriously powerful stuff!! There is this eerie, almost ritualistic tone, like she's this unshakable force you’re bound to. To me, it feels like a trauma loop ~~ Like, this endless reliving of something destructive and consuming. It’s as though her presence has burned itself into you so deeply that escaping is impossible, even as you’re so desperately trying to. That is so toxic, but it's beautiful!! The sheer weight of each line is so heavy, like every word drags me into darkness.

The imagery is incredible!! It's so visceral, almost too intimate, like we’re stepping into this raw and unfiltered memory. You’re capturing not just the memory but its entire essence!! Her presence feels ghostly, lingering in every line. It is like you’re speaking from this place of survival, but the body, the spirit, everything, has been fundamentally altered. I love that so much I can't explain!!

we are moving towards better times,
but it is not benevolent.

my missing is natality now.

I was captivated by the impact of your words from the first line of this eerily touching poem.

“If I have any totem, it is her.”

This opening sets the stage for a deeply personal exploration of love, loss, and the visceral connection between two intertwined lives. Your use of imagery throughout the poem is remarkable, especially the contrast between aggression and compassion; each line illustrates the complexity of interpersonal connections. One line that truly stood out to me was,

“my body remains in the crawlspace under her childhood home, mixing saliva with rot.”
This striking visual conveys the emotional deterioration that frequently follows such deep ties in addition to showing a physical absence. It creates a profoundly felt sensation of mental and physical imprisonment. As I read this, I couldn't help but think back on my own experiences since the notion of being "stuck in a then-time" is a potent metaphor for how our past interactions continue to impact our present.You are clearly exploring grief. I could relate to the sentence,

"my missing is natality now."
It implies that something new must emerge from this loss, yet there is a conflict between the anguish of what has been lost and regeneration. It almost seems contradictory, how can something so traumatic result in rebirth? Does this illustrate how connections have the power to build and destroy, I wonder?


Your writing, which sensitively explores the nexus between the personal and the universal, reminds me of authors like Ocean Vuong and Mary Oliver. It is a powerful reading experience because of the way you use words, which is both sensitive and raw emotions. there were times when I wished there had been a little more clarity. What do the "better times" you refer to, for example, actually mean? Are these moments a reflection of the past or a sign of the future? I would love to hear your comments on this.

You do a fantastic job at capturing the physicality of connection and grief. Your description of her hold as "twisting and digging into the skin" conjures up vivid images that capture the paradox of love's capacity to both soothe and cause pain. I wonder whether the purpose of this is to comment on the nature of attachment in general.

Regarding possible enhancements, there may be instances in which a little extra background could improve the emotional impact. Explaining the meaning of the "crawlspace" in more detail could help the reader better understand the images you had given. I found it very admirable that you are able to stir such intense feelings.


The poem's core is captured in my favorite line, "we are moving towards better times, but it is not benevolent." It skillfully captures the complexities of relationship development and how even constructive change may bring its own set of difficulties and suffering. This sentence strikes a deep chord within myself because it captures the difficulty that many of us have while dealing with love and loss.


I must admit reading your poem has left me feeling curious and yearning. Memory, decay, and rebirth are all explored in great detail, and I like how openly you tackle these subjects. I'm excited to learn more about your ideas and thoughts behind this, as well as the road that leads you to write this beautiful piece. You have a remarkable gift. And I sincerely hope you continue to write. Without a doubt, I will be waiting to read more of your work.