The Pangbourn family chapter 1

hey!...well so its really late, but I just wanted to post this, I don't think I'll be posting more about this family, but I would really like reviews!...I really need some help.. so please tell me what you guys think, thanks ;)

CHAPTER 1

It was a late Thursday afternoon, the weather was cold and it was raining for the first time this week.

As I walked to the living room I started looking at the old portraits of my family members; The first one was one of my mother. “Tina Pangbourn, 1975” was written below it, she was standing, wearing a green long dress, it was a corse made of a really rare material, she looked tall and skinny, and more scarier than she ever has, the idea of that painting was for her to look like a real vampire, not as the loving mother she always is ,she was wearing a golden necklace with a lion , a sword and a P .That picture was painted the week after we joined the family.

Next to her, on another portrait, was my brother, he had a red old chair in front of him, he was wearing a black jacket and black trousers with a black shirt below it, his bright blue eyes stood out of the picture, it was what caught my attention the most. On his jacket, he had a golden pin, a lion, a sword and the letter P on it, it was our family crest. Under the portrait, a golden tag said “James Pangbourn, 1975”

And then, after him, there was me, looking as beautiful as ever, but really scary, I looked, as well as my mother, tall and slim, my brown-red hair looked incredibly bright and my eyes were dark coal with a red hoop around them, I remember the night the picture was painted, I was really thirsty, it was my second week as a vampire, and hadn’t gone hunting yet because no one in my “family” would take me. I was wearing a white long dress, it kind of looked like a bride dress, except for the whole fairytale thing the bride’s dresses have, it actually looked sort of dark and scary, looking at myself with that dress scared me, it wasn’t who I was.

Then, on the other side of the hall, the other pictures of my family member’s were hanging, First “Claude Pangbourn, 1968-1975” I never met her, but she was really pretty, black hair, short and skinny, she had an expression of shyness and fear on her face, only by that picture, you could tell she wouldn’t last in the family, she escaped the year I joined, I don’t know why, she got scared maybe?, no one likes to talk about that. Right next to her, a guy called “Andrew Pangbourn, 1970-1975” he, as well, had the same exact expression as Claude, he was tall, big and brunette, his eyes were green and he looked scared, just like the rest of us are when we first join, he, as well, escaped with Claude, then, next to him, “Marie, 1965-1975” she was Andrew’s cousin, she was short and ginger, she, unlike her cousin, had a expression of fearless in her black eyes, of passion and of anger, she ran away the very same year the other two did, according to Marc, she fell in love with another vampire from Argentina called Juan David, when they didn’t agree to accept him in the family, she ran away with him and they have never seen them ever since

“Hi sweetheart” said my mother’s voice from behind me

“Hi mom” I replied

“So, they are going hunting tonight, so..”

“sure, I got it” I interrupted her

My mother, my brother and I decided to give up in killing humans and drinking their blood, we wanted to change and become better…..monsters, or less of a monster, so, we told David and Elizabeth, the leaders of the family, that we rather go hunting for ourselves, so, every time they go hunting, we go as well, because there is this stupid rule that says all of the family members have to go hunting on the same night, on Thursdays every two or three weeks. I personally think that rule is nonsense, but William, the creator of the family, made this rule in the 1200’s, so we have to stick with it. Our family has to be very traditional, after all, we are the vampire royalty or the lead vampire family in Europe

“Tell your brother please, that we are going to the bounders between England and Scotland, there is a big forest there” she told me politely and then she went upstairs

“Sure” I said to myself, though I knew my mother had heard me

I entered to the living room, and James was sitting down on a couch looking at the main and biggest portraits in the room, the ones of William and Anna, the creators of this family back in the 1200, they were the first settled vampires in the world, before that, all vampires were nomads

“What are you up to?” I asked him

“Just looking, just wondering and trying to figure out their expressions” he whispered

“There is not much to figure out” I said trying to look closely at their faces, but I found nothing

They both had the scariest expression in the whole family pictures, both of their eyes were black and red, they showed such an intimidation that it was hard to look at them, they were angry, fearless and powerful, they were the most famous and known couple in the whole world, they were also the most respected one, and everyone was scared of them, they were, in their time, the king and queen of the whole vampire community in the world.

“But, I just don’t get how they can be so angry all the time, I mean, there has to be a reason, they look even scarier than Eliza-“

“James!” I almost yelled, Elizabeth was somewhere around the house, and, I know she knows we don’t like her, but still, we have to respect her

“Look, they are just like that, they were bad people that killed lots of humans, they were the most powerful creatures in the whole world, what do you expect? It’s just like that” I told him

“I wonder….how did it affect the world when they were murdered?” he asked without taking his eyes of the portraits

I turned to look to both of the pictures, below, in a gold tag said “Anna and William, 1201-1578”, they were murdered by five werewolves that attacked them while they were in Africa, it was a big shock to all the vampire community and that’s how the whole hating werewolves thing started, that’s how the war started and it hasn’t stop ever since, I even think that is so strong, that after a 100 years fighting, both of the species were born with a gene that made them hate each other.

“I don’t know, It was a big shock I guess, the war started because of that so….it must have been pretty big” I answered

“Yeah” he sighed

There was a brief moment of silence in the room, and then I remembered what I was supposed to tell James

“So, we are going hunting to the bounder with Scotland-“

“I heard” he said still looking at the portraits

“So, I think it’s time to go, I’m going to tell mom and then we’ll go” I said, and he was still looking at the portraits, he hasn’t looked at me once, I know that the portraits can be interesting, but not that much

“James!” I cried “Let’s go”

“Go and get mom” he told me

“Here” said my mom appearing from behind me

“Shall we go?” she asked

“Let’s” I replied and then my brother turned to look at us

“Come on” he said walking towards the door

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Tatra
Review
Tatra wrote a review · Mon Jul 28, 2008 2:09 am

Sorry I took so long to review this, I went through a brief break in reviewing. But, I'm here to review.

I think you have a good start, but I do have to say that this didn't quite capture my attention that well. I mean, I was kind of psyched up for the meeting between her and Seth, and it didn't happen, yet. The whole chapter also felt a bit disjointed, going from live action to the portraits and some info-dumping.

While it was interesting to hear about the history of this family, it was very hard to read through the big paragraphs.

It was a late Thursday afternoon, the weather was cold and it was raining for the first time this week.

This sentence isn't really connected to anything, what's important about the weather, and what does she think about it?

As I walked to the living room, I started looking at the old portraits of my family members. The first one was one of my mother; “Tina Pangbourn, 1975” was written below. [s]it,[/s] She was standing, wearing a green long dress, it was a corse made of a really rare material. She looked tall and skinny, and more scarier than she ever has; the idea of that painting was for her to look like a real vampire, not as the loving mother she always is. She was wearing a golden necklace with a lion, a sword, and [s]a[/s] the letter P. That picture was painted the week after we joined the family.

Corrected the grammar a bit. The underlined word I am totally confused about, I have no idea what it's supposed to be. Also, I think the necklace could be connected to her dress, or else give us a reason why it is important. This piece is a bit of an info-dump, but I think it could possibly work if you really connect the character to her mother's portrait. What does she think of it and what it portrays?

Next to her portrait[s], on another portrait,[/s] was another portrait, of my brother. He had a red old chair in front of him, and he was wearing a black jacket and black trousers with a black shirt below it. His bright blue eyes stood out of the picture,[s] it was[/s] what caught my attention the most. On his jacket, he had a golden pin,[s] a lion, a sword and the letter P[/s] the same design as my mother's necklace on it: [s]it was[/s] our family crest. Under the portrait, a golden tag said “James Pangbourn, 1975”

Again, grammar. Lists are very hard to follow, especially long lists like this, so I broke it up a bit. I also clarified the wording a bit, adding a few things in. And, again, I'd really like it if you would connect your character to the portrait a bit more, what does she feel about it? Why is she inspecting these portraits?

And then, [s]after him,[/s] there was me, looking as beautiful as ever, but really scary. I looked, as well as my mother: tall and slim. My brown-red hair looked incredibly bright and my eyes were dark coal with a red hoop around them. I remember the night the picture was painted; I was really thirsty. It was my second week as a vampire, and hadn’t gone hunting yet because no one in my “family” would take me. I was wearing a white long dress, it kind of looked like a bride dress, except for the whole fairytale thing the bride’s dresses have. It actually looked sort of dark and scary. Looking at myself with that dress scared me, it wasn’t who I was.

Grammar, but I didn't do too much with the wording. I don't think you use enough periods, which is why I've cut the sentences down. You might want to look through on your own and see if there is a better way you want to separate the sentences. First underline, I'm not sure if it fits, but I would like you to connect her to the portrait more. Does she think that she's beautiful, and why? What does that say about her personality?

Second underline, I would strike that out and just put 'like my mother,' but wasn't totally sure where you were going with that. I think it needs a few more words. Third underline is just me being curious as to why she put that in quotations, and how she does feel about the family. Fourth, I have no idea about any fairytale attachments to bridal gowns, so I think it needs to be clarified a bit.

Also, she didn't read her own name plate...

Then, on the other side of the hall, the other pictures of my family member’s were hanging. First “Claude Pangbourn, 1968-1975” I never met her, but she was really pretty, black hair, short and skinny, she had an expression of shyness and fear on her face, only by that picture, you could tell she wouldn’t last in the family, she escaped the year I joined, I don’t know why, she got scared maybe?, no one likes to talk about that. Right next to her, a guy called “Andrew Pangbourn, 1970-1975” he, as well, had the same exact expression as Claude, he was tall, big and brunette, his eyes were green and he looked scared, just like the rest of us are when we first join, he, as well, escaped with Claude, then, next to him, “Marie, 1965-1975” she was Andrew’s cousin, she was short and ginger, she, unlike her cousin, had a expression of fearless in her black eyes, of passion and of anger, she ran away the very same year the other two did, according to Marc, she fell in love with another vampire from Argentina called Juan David, when they didn’t agree to accept him in the family, she ran away with him and they have never seen them ever since

I was leaning toward just cutting this whole paragraph, but I think you could pare it down instead. I mean, I can see all of the information about her close family, as she was invested in them, but this paragraph does read like a real info-dump. So, I think you should cut out the low-scale descriptions, and maybe just include the real info.

Also, this is about the time to answer why on earth she is looking at all of these portraits. I mean, I know that she hasn't lived her whole life at this house, but presumably, she knew about these portraits and the history already. Why is she revisiting all of this? Why are they at the house, and what year is this?

“Hi, sweetheart,” [s]said[/s] my mother’s voice came from behind me.

“Hi mom,” I replied.

“[s]So,[/s] They are going hunting tonight, so..”

Sure, I got it,” I interrupted her.

Snoink has a wonderful piece on grammar dialogue here.

My mother, my brother and I decided to give up in killing humans and drinking their blood, we wanted to change and become better…..monsters, or less of a monster, so, we told David and Elizabeth, the leaders of the family, that we rather go hunting for ourselves, so, every time they go hunting, we go as well, because there is this stupid rule that says all of the family members have to go hunting on the same night, on Thursdays every two or three weeks. I personally think that rule is nonsense, but William, the creator of the family, made this rule in the 1200’s, so we have to stick with it. Our family has to be very traditional, after all, we are the vampire royalty or the lead vampire family in Europe

Another info-dump. I think you should rewrite this as her mother talking back and forth. Have the MC complain about the 'stupid rule' and how traditional everything is. Then, the mother can reply that 'they have to follow tradition, and at least the leaders, D and E, allow them to do their own thing.' Something like that. Dialogue really is a great way to get info across, and it also helps the reader to get to know your characters.

“Tell your brother please, that we are going to the bounders between England and Scotland, there is a big forest there”

Just curious as to whether or not you meant 'borders,' or if it is 'bounders.' And then I must tell you that I have no idea what a bounder is. Also, curious as to whether or not they've been there before? Because, if they have, there's no reason to tell about the forest, and the reader will see when they get there. Now is also the time to think about "the family's" method of hunting. Make sure you have it down before you start writing it.

I turned to look to both of the pictures, below, in a gold tag said “Anna and William, 1201-1578”, they were murdered by five werewolves that attacked them while they were in Africa, it was a big shock to all the vampire community and that’s how the whole hating werewolves thing started, that’s how the war started and it hasn’t stop ever since, I even think that is so strong, that after a 100 years fighting, both of the species were born with a gene that made them hate each other.

Another info dump, though I couldn't help wondering several things about this. Why did the werewolves attack in the first place? And why hasn't anyone ever stopped the fighting? Retaliation wars can only go so far, that would be interesting to do some research on... Anyway, the thing with the gene is a bit confusing, as your sentences really need to be split up.

“So, I think it’s time to go, I’m going to tell mom and then we’ll go”

This part is really repetitive. Also, the squabbling thing kind of got on my nerves, just have James drag himself out of his seat and reluctantly leave with her.

All in all, I think you need to work on your punctuation, splitting your paragraphs up into actual sentences. Find a way to get a quick review on the basics, and then I think you'll do fairly well. Just take a look through the rest of this chapter and see what you can correct on your own, PM me if you would like some more help on it, though. You have a lot of information out there, but you haven't really connected us to the narrator. I wanna know how she feels about everything! :D

What I like: I think your characters are interesting, which is why I want to be connected to them further. I also like how you have the history all planned out, you really did put a lot of thought into all of this. I love the house, I imagine that the whole house is filled with portraits, and that is kind of creepy. Reminds me of a creepy old English house, very fun. I'm also interested in your methodology for the vampires and the werewolves, so I'm very interested in discovering more about those.

Keep writing! You can do it! I think the sugar is hitting me... What I'm trying to say is, don't be discouraged by this review. Most of the dragging was from the grammar, which is easily fixed, and I think it's a great beginning for a story. I can't wait to meet Seth.

PM me if you need any more help, or when you post another chapter. Also, don't be afraid to poke me if I take too long next time. :D Good luck with your writing!



There was nothing he enjoyed more than a good book. He'd wander into the study, take down some leather-bound volume, and eat it.
— Terence Brady (dog owner)